Do not be anxious...

God, part of me wants to feel useful again. It has been a few months now since I decided to take some time off and to pursue you and although I have experienced so many experiences since then, I know that you are shaping and preparing me to be pleasing to you. Self control, obedience, dependence on You, trust, thanksgiving and serving You and others is the consistent message I get. I know that I will have to as Paul put it beat my body into submission. My flesh is so weak, although my Spirit is willing. It definitely is a war against my soul to abstain from sinful desires and from following my own self will. Now, I feel like Lord, you have showed me everything I need to live again, and I don't want to forsake the responsibility of working. However, God as I silence the lies that the enemy tells me about myself and confidence and usefulness, I will wait upon You. I will seek You and not what you can do for me. I will bring my requests and petitions to You. This is the hardest thing that I 've had to do because I am a planner by nature, but after spending these last months seeking and then turning away from You. It is always better when I am focused on You.

So, this is my conclusion, everyday of my life from now on, I should put the spiritual battle at the forefront of my mind. I should arm myself with the attitude that I will suffer for YOU Lord and everyday is not only a day of preparation, but a day of thanksgiving, a day of salvation for lost souls. I will speak words of encouragement and uplifting words. Before I am tempted to utter a useless word, I will stop and think "will this bring glory to God" If the Lord wills, I have three more months before I get back to work, but God may reserve these following months as an opportunity to learn more or more preparation. I pray God that You fill me. My soul wants to please You. I surrender everything to YOU. Reveal what job you have for me to do today and God I promise I will discipline myself to do your work faithfully. I pray in Jesus name. Amen!

4:30am thoughts

4:30am in the morning and I suddenly wake up reflecting on the years. "I am getting older" my mind tells me and I am not yet settled into any one career. I am floating around. "Get settled, work towards a career like everyone else, get married soon!" My thoughts are making me sad now. God, have I done anything great for you? Have I changed? Why is it hard for me to share with family and friends on first instinct concerning monetary things? I think, I don't have much and I don't want to go back into debt...save! But another voice tells me I have given you so that you may help others. Whenever the first selfish voice comes into mind I need to silence it, immediately and scream NO! When someone is in need, God as long as you continue to bless me I will bless others and help others with the portion you have given to me.

I feel so behind in life when I compare or think about others, but God this is apart of the spiritual battle, is it not? What am I anxious for? Your word says do not be anxious for anything, but in everything through prayer and supplication that I should let my requests be known to you. God these are my requests:
I want our relationship to be strong and fervent, renewed each day through prayer and genuine communication with YOU. You are my best friend and my confident.
I want to be able to understand more clearly the power of giving and to do it.
I want to be a shepherd to others in the faith and to be shepherd by others: strong brothers and sisters in the faith.
God you know my inner desire at the moment to be a Helper and to take responsibility. Cultivate me as a responsible, caring daughter in Christ, who exercises self control.
I want to make you happy Lord and use the spiritual gifts that you have given me to glorify YOU.
I want to share the Gospel more, reveal opportunities to me, give me revelations of what YOU will have me to do and where YOU will have me to be.
I want to be a really good teacher as well. Cultivate and shape me Lord.

Open the doors

Life can be difficult. One moment you can be so sure of your purpose and then next moment, it is gone. I think sometimes we tend to focus to much on our mistakes and missed opportunities that while we spend time focusing on these we miss other opportunities. Right now I am in a phase in my life where God everything is so confusing, my foundation is shaking because I honestly haven't been relying on you as much as I did a few weeks ago. God I need you to intervene and just reveal and clarify things for me in my life right now. If you are calling me to the missionary field please show me the path you have prepared for me. Open the necessary doors, please. 

Reflecting on my life...Where do I go now Lord?

I sat effortlessly on the train today on my way back home from Hangeul class. I thought about the person I had been and the person I was becoming. I thought about almost anything and everything. Yesterday I spent the majority of the day with a friend reflecting on life. I asked you Lord that you would provide clarity and direction. My friend and I discussed everything and our purpose in life. I found that she was clear cut and straight to the point in what she wanted. God, I was still over the place. Lord why? Even after the purpose courses and enlightened sermons I felt like I was an infant again, totally loss for words, then, I began to write. I wrote everything out my passions in life, the things that make me happy, questions, answers, one word descriptions that represented my life. I realized that my motivation and past dreams over time I had decided were too heavy for me, too heavy to carry into the future and I was letting those fade away. I guess I felt tired and frustrated of not seeing the success I expected, tired of hurt and failure, tired of rejection and tired of just moving in a circular direction. I want to move in a straight line, progressing and not regressing. Yesterday, I decided that what I really want is to do my best to help others. My ideal dream to find a new community, a new culture and literally change that environment serving in it faithfully confirmed that I needed to be on the mission field, but where? I realized that I really have an admiration of missionary families and it would be an honor to have one. I realized that if I couldn't have a family, my heart would beat even more for the opportunity to be a mother to orphans. I could run an orphanage or a school just for orphans. My mission in life is to be that encouragement to the desperate, to lead and to love. I know that I have to someday soon see the realistic part of making and saving money for future retirement, but no matter how I try to conceptualize it, I seemed to think that when my time of serving is done, when my work here is done, God will take me home. Yesterday, however, I thought about living a simple life in a village away from everything, I don't need the best of everything, comfort is always nice, but at the end of the day, I would be thankful for having my breath, making what I need to support my family and parents, and being good at what it is that I am doing to help others. A few days ago I woke up spontaneously at 2am in the morning to the thought "discipline" I continued this thought on the train this morning. In order to fulfill my dreams, I need to work on building certain characteristics. I admit I have not been quite disciplined, my accuracy is off  and I have seen that at times I have lost the battle of making assumptions, believing it, calling it out and at times living for myself. Eeew right? God I want to change. I want to be more disciplined and discipline starts with the simple everyday task. No more excuses only taking responsibility and this will help me to stay focused and become disciplined. I decided to take a drastic move today. I am responsible for my body and remaining healthy. I will be more disciplined in eating healthy and even wake up early morning or go for a walk in the evening every day (unless I am ill). I will also be disciplined with simple house chores ensuring that the house is not just tidy, but I do a good job in really deep cleaning and not just when I have people over. I will also be responsible in my planning, not just planning simple lessons, but challenging myself to do more and really take on challenges that my mind tells me I could never do. I know I can do all things, everything through Christ Jesus who strengthens me. 

I realized today that being disciplined requires letting some activities go. I realistically can't do everything although I really want to. Now, I would like to focus on studying languages, lesson planning and my missionary course until I start work again. When I study, my whole attention should be on studying and not half heatedly there as I switch back and forth between television programs. It is also up to me to fight thoughts of doubt or selfishness that pop into my head and say NO, I want to do or choose that thing which will glorify God. I realize now that I also have to be honest with myself and responsible for letting go of other commitments that I thought I could undertake and I really can't continue to do. I want to love and love God and others and never again will I ignore someone, I need to communicate, open up more and not be afraid of trusting others again. I know that ultimately I put all my trust in God, but I need community as well, even if past experiences have been daunting experiences it has taught me wisdom. I should move onto my next task now: planning.