I sat effortlessly on the train today on my way back home from Hangeul class. I thought about the person I had been and the person I was becoming. I thought about almost anything and everything. Yesterday I spent the majority of the day with a friend reflecting on life. I asked you Lord that you would provide clarity and direction. My friend and I discussed everything and our purpose in life. I found that she was clear cut and straight to the point in what she wanted. God, I was still over the place. Lord why? Even after the purpose courses and enlightened sermons I felt like I was an infant again, totally loss for words, then, I began to write. I wrote everything out my passions in life, the things that make me happy, questions, answers, one word descriptions that represented my life. I realized that my motivation and past dreams over time I had decided were too heavy for me, too heavy to carry into the future and I was letting those fade away. I guess I felt tired and frustrated of not seeing the success I expected, tired of hurt and failure, tired of rejection and tired of just moving in a circular direction. I want to move in a straight line, progressing and not regressing. Yesterday, I decided that what I really want is to do my best to help others. My ideal dream to find a new community, a new culture and literally change that environment serving in it faithfully confirmed that I needed to be on the mission field, but where? I realized that I really have an admiration of missionary families and it would be an honor to have one. I realized that if I couldn't have a family, my heart would beat even more for the opportunity to be a mother to orphans. I could run an orphanage or a school just for orphans. My mission in life is to be that encouragement to the desperate, to lead and to love. I know that I have to someday soon see the realistic part of making and saving money for future retirement, but no matter how I try to conceptualize it, I seemed to think that when my time of serving is done, when my work here is done, God will take me home. Yesterday, however, I thought about living a simple life in a village away from everything, I don't need the best of everything, comfort is always nice, but at the end of the day, I would be thankful for having my breath, making what I need to support my family and parents, and being good at what it is that I am doing to help others. A few days ago I woke up spontaneously at 2am in the morning to the thought "discipline" I continued this thought on the train this morning. In order to fulfill my dreams, I need to work on building certain characteristics. I admit I have not been quite disciplined, my accuracy is off and I have seen that at times I have lost the battle of making assumptions, believing it, calling it out and at times living for myself. Eeew right? God I want to change. I want to be more disciplined and discipline starts with the simple everyday task. No more excuses only taking responsibility and this will help me to stay focused and become disciplined. I decided to take a drastic move today. I am responsible for my body and remaining healthy. I will be more disciplined in eating healthy and even wake up early morning or go for a walk in the evening every day (unless I am ill). I will also be disciplined with simple house chores ensuring that the house is not just tidy, but I do a good job in really deep cleaning and not just when I have people over. I will also be responsible in my planning, not just planning simple lessons, but challenging myself to do more and really take on challenges that my mind tells me I could never do. I know I can do all things, everything through Christ Jesus who strengthens me.
I realized today that being disciplined requires letting some activities go. I realistically can't do everything although I really want to. Now, I would like to focus on studying languages, lesson planning and my missionary course until I start work again. When I study, my whole attention should be on studying and not half heatedly there as I switch back and forth between television programs. It is also up to me to fight thoughts of doubt or selfishness that pop into my head and say NO, I want to do or choose that thing which will glorify God. I realize now that I also have to be honest with myself and responsible for letting go of other commitments that I thought I could undertake and I really can't continue to do. I want to love and love God and others and never again will I ignore someone, I need to communicate, open up more and not be afraid of trusting others again. I know that ultimately I put all my trust in God, but I need community as well, even if past experiences have been daunting experiences it has taught me wisdom. I should move onto my next task now: planning.
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