4:30am thoughts

4:30am in the morning and I suddenly wake up reflecting on the years. "I am getting older" my mind tells me and I am not yet settled into any one career. I am floating around. "Get settled, work towards a career like everyone else, get married soon!" My thoughts are making me sad now. God, have I done anything great for you? Have I changed? Why is it hard for me to share with family and friends on first instinct concerning monetary things? I think, I don't have much and I don't want to go back into debt...save! But another voice tells me I have given you so that you may help others. Whenever the first selfish voice comes into mind I need to silence it, immediately and scream NO! When someone is in need, God as long as you continue to bless me I will bless others and help others with the portion you have given to me.

I feel so behind in life when I compare or think about others, but God this is apart of the spiritual battle, is it not? What am I anxious for? Your word says do not be anxious for anything, but in everything through prayer and supplication that I should let my requests be known to you. God these are my requests:
I want our relationship to be strong and fervent, renewed each day through prayer and genuine communication with YOU. You are my best friend and my confident.
I want to be able to understand more clearly the power of giving and to do it.
I want to be a shepherd to others in the faith and to be shepherd by others: strong brothers and sisters in the faith.
God you know my inner desire at the moment to be a Helper and to take responsibility. Cultivate me as a responsible, caring daughter in Christ, who exercises self control.
I want to make you happy Lord and use the spiritual gifts that you have given me to glorify YOU.
I want to share the Gospel more, reveal opportunities to me, give me revelations of what YOU will have me to do and where YOU will have me to be.
I want to be a really good teacher as well. Cultivate and shape me Lord.

Open the doors

Life can be difficult. One moment you can be so sure of your purpose and then next moment, it is gone. I think sometimes we tend to focus to much on our mistakes and missed opportunities that while we spend time focusing on these we miss other opportunities. Right now I am in a phase in my life where God everything is so confusing, my foundation is shaking because I honestly haven't been relying on you as much as I did a few weeks ago. God I need you to intervene and just reveal and clarify things for me in my life right now. If you are calling me to the missionary field please show me the path you have prepared for me. Open the necessary doors, please. 

Reflecting on my life...Where do I go now Lord?

I sat effortlessly on the train today on my way back home from Hangeul class. I thought about the person I had been and the person I was becoming. I thought about almost anything and everything. Yesterday I spent the majority of the day with a friend reflecting on life. I asked you Lord that you would provide clarity and direction. My friend and I discussed everything and our purpose in life. I found that she was clear cut and straight to the point in what she wanted. God, I was still over the place. Lord why? Even after the purpose courses and enlightened sermons I felt like I was an infant again, totally loss for words, then, I began to write. I wrote everything out my passions in life, the things that make me happy, questions, answers, one word descriptions that represented my life. I realized that my motivation and past dreams over time I had decided were too heavy for me, too heavy to carry into the future and I was letting those fade away. I guess I felt tired and frustrated of not seeing the success I expected, tired of hurt and failure, tired of rejection and tired of just moving in a circular direction. I want to move in a straight line, progressing and not regressing. Yesterday, I decided that what I really want is to do my best to help others. My ideal dream to find a new community, a new culture and literally change that environment serving in it faithfully confirmed that I needed to be on the mission field, but where? I realized that I really have an admiration of missionary families and it would be an honor to have one. I realized that if I couldn't have a family, my heart would beat even more for the opportunity to be a mother to orphans. I could run an orphanage or a school just for orphans. My mission in life is to be that encouragement to the desperate, to lead and to love. I know that I have to someday soon see the realistic part of making and saving money for future retirement, but no matter how I try to conceptualize it, I seemed to think that when my time of serving is done, when my work here is done, God will take me home. Yesterday, however, I thought about living a simple life in a village away from everything, I don't need the best of everything, comfort is always nice, but at the end of the day, I would be thankful for having my breath, making what I need to support my family and parents, and being good at what it is that I am doing to help others. A few days ago I woke up spontaneously at 2am in the morning to the thought "discipline" I continued this thought on the train this morning. In order to fulfill my dreams, I need to work on building certain characteristics. I admit I have not been quite disciplined, my accuracy is off  and I have seen that at times I have lost the battle of making assumptions, believing it, calling it out and at times living for myself. Eeew right? God I want to change. I want to be more disciplined and discipline starts with the simple everyday task. No more excuses only taking responsibility and this will help me to stay focused and become disciplined. I decided to take a drastic move today. I am responsible for my body and remaining healthy. I will be more disciplined in eating healthy and even wake up early morning or go for a walk in the evening every day (unless I am ill). I will also be disciplined with simple house chores ensuring that the house is not just tidy, but I do a good job in really deep cleaning and not just when I have people over. I will also be responsible in my planning, not just planning simple lessons, but challenging myself to do more and really take on challenges that my mind tells me I could never do. I know I can do all things, everything through Christ Jesus who strengthens me. 

I realized today that being disciplined requires letting some activities go. I realistically can't do everything although I really want to. Now, I would like to focus on studying languages, lesson planning and my missionary course until I start work again. When I study, my whole attention should be on studying and not half heatedly there as I switch back and forth between television programs. It is also up to me to fight thoughts of doubt or selfishness that pop into my head and say NO, I want to do or choose that thing which will glorify God. I realize now that I also have to be honest with myself and responsible for letting go of other commitments that I thought I could undertake and I really can't continue to do. I want to love and love God and others and never again will I ignore someone, I need to communicate, open up more and not be afraid of trusting others again. I know that ultimately I put all my trust in God, but I need community as well, even if past experiences have been daunting experiences it has taught me wisdom. I should move onto my next task now: planning. 

Spiritual Warfare...Trust God

God is good! These past two weeks have been a time of training and spiritual warfare for me. God's mercy and faithfulness is everlasting. God however made it really clear to me that I am not fighting flesh, but against principalities, against powers and against the rulers of darkness. The enemy felt more real to me these past two weeks as the enemy attacked and tried to break me down. My only response was to trust God. I thank you Lord that I can just trust you and there is no more doing it my way. This week God showed me how important it is to be discerning and He gave me spiritual wisdom. Thank you Jesus. I thank God for those who were praying for me and I know that God protects His own and will bring all my enemies to shame. While I won't get into details, I had people with wrong intentions to hurt me, but God always turns those wrong intentions around for His glory. I hope that I showed them in my dealing with their negativity towards me what it means to love Jesus, what it means to trust God. I know I still have a way to go in my relationship with Him, but I love God and I know that all things work together for good for those who are called  according to His purpose. Show mercy to my enemies, because God reconciled me to Him while I was an enemy. A picture of loving my enemies is displayed through God's mercy to me as I too was once an enemy toward God. I see enemies now as a chance to love even more, love more in the face of adversity and to show the mercy given to me from God.

God is Always Good!

God is always good! Even when I feel discouraged, I know that if I put my trust in God and stand steadfastly in His love, then everything will work out just fine. Through the past few months it feels like I have been on a spiraling journey with God. He has been showing me things, breaking my heart to love as He does, teaching me about fear and the fear of reverence for Him. God has been reshaping my confidence and a confidence that is dependent on Him. Knowing God and just how Great He is really makes me know that I can overcome any situation, that I can do anything. When my eyes are focused on God it is hard to sink, but when I focus on others or give into distractions or try to rely on my own effort then that is when I become discouraged. I pray for more godly friends so that I can continue to exhort and be exhorted and encouraged to live for Christ. He is my only pursuit and passion.God is telling me to follow Him and to do so now. I can face the world with God. I am resolved and determined to share the Gospel and this treasure of abundant life. I can't wait to see God where you are going to take me next. There are so many people hurting, wanting to know if you really do exist? and how to have a relationship with you. There are some who believe they are unworthy of any relationship and can never earn your forgiveness. I want to tell them that you died for their sins and no matter how deep the sin, if they put their trust in the work Jesus did on the cross for them, believe in their heart and repent then God salvation is for them too. Salvation is for everyone.

Sometimes I want to...

cry or scream for an answer. I want to hear the voice of God everyday. I know that God is greater than all my worries and problems. I know that as I begin to fight the spiritual battle that I will face opponents. I need clarity God. I thank you that I cannot rely on my own strength to do things, but it is through your power and through my faith in you that I can do all things. It is so hard to wait and be hit and threatened by the enemy, while I have to remain silent and wait. Thank you that if you God are for me, no one can be against me. I love you and even though it hurts to wait, I will do it and pray for you to clarify things to me as they come.

God is good

God is good, all the time. It feels like I have overcome a spiritual battle although if God were to grade me maybe I would get a 7 out of 10 for really holding fast onto loving God and trusting Him. I failed to trust Him at times fully and took things in my own hands...sorry God. I am so happy that God forgives and restores. Amen! He restores us when we make mistakes and He even restores the joy of our salvation. GOD you are good. The greatest pursuit in life is to know God and to make HIM known (Jack Graham).

I know that I need to know you more God in everything I do. I need to know you more intimately. I need to experience you more intimately. Please let me feel your constant love and help me to understand who you are as much as my limited mind will allow me to accept.