Lessons about Love

God, you are so good. You have been reshaping my views on love. The love of the world is different from your love. I don't think anyone could say they would be willing to die for an enemy. If a man stands on trial and is sentenced to death for the murder of an innocent and child, which mother or father would forgive the murderer and then stand in proxy ready to take the murderer's place and be executed. Your love reminds me of this, but different in that you are HOLY. All humanity is a sinner and so we are deserving of the penalty of sin which is death physically (on this earth) and spiritually (eternal damnation). Sin demands punishment and there are no good works that I could have ever offered you to get me off the hook, but God You loved us (the whole world) so much that you were willing to send your only Son, 100% Holy to die and take the punishment for my sins...that's love. Now by faith in the saving work that Jesus did on the cross and His resurrection I can live a life more fulfilled here on earth (with a changed perspective of my purpose) and after when I physically die, my soul will go on to live in your presence forever. You are wonderful! Who wouldn't want to believe and be saved and experience life to the fullest on earth and eternity not having to bear the eternal punishment of damnation? Lord, I know it is so hard for people to admit that they are sinners. After all, our world today sends the message to be confident, to be proud of who we are and what we do, to enjoy life because there is only one life to live, to enjoy the pleasures of indulging in sin, partying, drinking, engaging in sexual intercourse and living life to the fullest, but God does this really satisfy? The world's pleasures may be fun, but it will never be fulfilling, after the fun has subsided you are even more thirstier for something that will satisfy. We were all created to be in relationship with You and unless we have that relationship, we will continue to look for happiness and love in all the wrong places. 


You have been showing me that as a believer, I need to represent Christ love to others. I need to show them when the world forsakes them, condemns them, hates them and judges them as a sinner that I am right there beside them to say: "we are all sinners and even as a sinner God loves you so much and desires that you come to know Him personally and He wants to give you eternal life, not eternal damnation, because it is His will that all should come to repentance." If we acknowledge our sins before God, repent and believe that He sent Jesus to die for our sins then we shall be saved, God is not like man, He is ever faithful to forgive us. His love is a sacrificial love and no one can out do Him in loving. 


I thank God that He is changing my perspectives on love and showing me new things I desire to love as He loves.

Life lessons: A new chapter

Currently, I am out of a job, but looking. In a few months, I will be heading back to school for a teaching certification, an endeavor I am still a bit confused about. If you were to ask me if I wanted to become a teacher a year ago, it would have been an absolute "no" without any further discussion. Teaching brings a whole heap of responsibility attached and I have so many other passions and interests that I want to pursue and feel I could do much better at and although my teaching strategies have somewhat improved, I feel I need a lifetime (which could be dedicated to other areas that I am good at) to become a great teacher. "Teaching is difficult" I would have said and even more so you feel the pains of disappointment when you put all your effort into planning and teaching, but some students don't seem to be improving or some kids are confused, disinterested, bored and quickly losing interest. I know, make it fun! Highly discouraging when your idea of fun and creativity turns out to be a flop.

A year later the feelings still lingered and I have to make a decision about what program to pursue. Time is flying, I need to pursue graduate studies next term because I am only getting older and need to become more stable in life, have a steady income and provide for my family (parents and myself). My parents aren't getting any younger and they should be retired by now. Pretty soon I will be signing  my name in another age bracket (hint hint). Of course, I have been struggling with teaching, but it provides me stability, it keeps me challenged, I like learning and with my teaching certification doors will be opened up throughout the world for me to teach and be a missionary as I have dreamed. The idea of becoming a missionary teacher seemed quite appealing. I had begun to build up enthusiasm for teaching, enjoying the kids was the easier part, but teaching well and explaining material that the students understood and could say "yes i got it!" was the most difficult and in a way it still remains challenging for me, 

Whereas many people would say their main motivation was because they love teaching and enjoy when their students get it, my main motivation is to learn how to become a better teacher so that I can share in the benefits of when my students understand. Most importantly, I realized that teaching is a vehicle for missions and sharing the Gospel with others. The art of explaining information in a way conducive to learning is one aspect of teaching, but the other aspect of being able to influence a student by taking time out to spend with them, showing them that you genuinely care and love them for who they are and their unique abilities is the other part that God is calling me too. I am a little nervous about entering the teaching program, but this time around on my educational journey, I will enter full heartily knowing that this is a part of my mission. The other part for sure revolves around international development and creating social supports, but for this season in my life God chooses to start me off with teaching and I need to submit. Where He leads me I will follow...Amen!

Unity and Family

To be honest, I never paid much attention to the idea of having a family. It was quite far fetched from my mind. Although I spoke more about it when talking about my future endeavors just an automatic and expected response that society expects to hear from an aging young adult. This week however God has really been speaking to me about "unity and family" and loving my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, putting their interests above mind. This is a different type of love. Love is willing and self sacrificial. God has been confirming through His word that when I love as Christ loves and if all Believers in Christ love as He does we will be so powerful, there will be unity and nothing will be able to dismantle us or blur our mission or distract us from sharing the Gospel with those who desperately need to hear and see a different love from what the world has to offer. 

Do not be anxious...

God, part of me wants to feel useful again. It has been a few months now since I decided to take some time off and to pursue you and although I have experienced so many experiences since then, I know that you are shaping and preparing me to be pleasing to you. Self control, obedience, dependence on You, trust, thanksgiving and serving You and others is the consistent message I get. I know that I will have to as Paul put it beat my body into submission. My flesh is so weak, although my Spirit is willing. It definitely is a war against my soul to abstain from sinful desires and from following my own self will. Now, I feel like Lord, you have showed me everything I need to live again, and I don't want to forsake the responsibility of working. However, God as I silence the lies that the enemy tells me about myself and confidence and usefulness, I will wait upon You. I will seek You and not what you can do for me. I will bring my requests and petitions to You. This is the hardest thing that I 've had to do because I am a planner by nature, but after spending these last months seeking and then turning away from You. It is always better when I am focused on You.

So, this is my conclusion, everyday of my life from now on, I should put the spiritual battle at the forefront of my mind. I should arm myself with the attitude that I will suffer for YOU Lord and everyday is not only a day of preparation, but a day of thanksgiving, a day of salvation for lost souls. I will speak words of encouragement and uplifting words. Before I am tempted to utter a useless word, I will stop and think "will this bring glory to God" If the Lord wills, I have three more months before I get back to work, but God may reserve these following months as an opportunity to learn more or more preparation. I pray God that You fill me. My soul wants to please You. I surrender everything to YOU. Reveal what job you have for me to do today and God I promise I will discipline myself to do your work faithfully. I pray in Jesus name. Amen!

4:30am thoughts

4:30am in the morning and I suddenly wake up reflecting on the years. "I am getting older" my mind tells me and I am not yet settled into any one career. I am floating around. "Get settled, work towards a career like everyone else, get married soon!" My thoughts are making me sad now. God, have I done anything great for you? Have I changed? Why is it hard for me to share with family and friends on first instinct concerning monetary things? I think, I don't have much and I don't want to go back into debt...save! But another voice tells me I have given you so that you may help others. Whenever the first selfish voice comes into mind I need to silence it, immediately and scream NO! When someone is in need, God as long as you continue to bless me I will bless others and help others with the portion you have given to me.

I feel so behind in life when I compare or think about others, but God this is apart of the spiritual battle, is it not? What am I anxious for? Your word says do not be anxious for anything, but in everything through prayer and supplication that I should let my requests be known to you. God these are my requests:
I want our relationship to be strong and fervent, renewed each day through prayer and genuine communication with YOU. You are my best friend and my confident.
I want to be able to understand more clearly the power of giving and to do it.
I want to be a shepherd to others in the faith and to be shepherd by others: strong brothers and sisters in the faith.
God you know my inner desire at the moment to be a Helper and to take responsibility. Cultivate me as a responsible, caring daughter in Christ, who exercises self control.
I want to make you happy Lord and use the spiritual gifts that you have given me to glorify YOU.
I want to share the Gospel more, reveal opportunities to me, give me revelations of what YOU will have me to do and where YOU will have me to be.
I want to be a really good teacher as well. Cultivate and shape me Lord.

Open the doors

Life can be difficult. One moment you can be so sure of your purpose and then next moment, it is gone. I think sometimes we tend to focus to much on our mistakes and missed opportunities that while we spend time focusing on these we miss other opportunities. Right now I am in a phase in my life where God everything is so confusing, my foundation is shaking because I honestly haven't been relying on you as much as I did a few weeks ago. God I need you to intervene and just reveal and clarify things for me in my life right now. If you are calling me to the missionary field please show me the path you have prepared for me. Open the necessary doors, please. 

Reflecting on my life...Where do I go now Lord?

I sat effortlessly on the train today on my way back home from Hangeul class. I thought about the person I had been and the person I was becoming. I thought about almost anything and everything. Yesterday I spent the majority of the day with a friend reflecting on life. I asked you Lord that you would provide clarity and direction. My friend and I discussed everything and our purpose in life. I found that she was clear cut and straight to the point in what she wanted. God, I was still over the place. Lord why? Even after the purpose courses and enlightened sermons I felt like I was an infant again, totally loss for words, then, I began to write. I wrote everything out my passions in life, the things that make me happy, questions, answers, one word descriptions that represented my life. I realized that my motivation and past dreams over time I had decided were too heavy for me, too heavy to carry into the future and I was letting those fade away. I guess I felt tired and frustrated of not seeing the success I expected, tired of hurt and failure, tired of rejection and tired of just moving in a circular direction. I want to move in a straight line, progressing and not regressing. Yesterday, I decided that what I really want is to do my best to help others. My ideal dream to find a new community, a new culture and literally change that environment serving in it faithfully confirmed that I needed to be on the mission field, but where? I realized that I really have an admiration of missionary families and it would be an honor to have one. I realized that if I couldn't have a family, my heart would beat even more for the opportunity to be a mother to orphans. I could run an orphanage or a school just for orphans. My mission in life is to be that encouragement to the desperate, to lead and to love. I know that I have to someday soon see the realistic part of making and saving money for future retirement, but no matter how I try to conceptualize it, I seemed to think that when my time of serving is done, when my work here is done, God will take me home. Yesterday, however, I thought about living a simple life in a village away from everything, I don't need the best of everything, comfort is always nice, but at the end of the day, I would be thankful for having my breath, making what I need to support my family and parents, and being good at what it is that I am doing to help others. A few days ago I woke up spontaneously at 2am in the morning to the thought "discipline" I continued this thought on the train this morning. In order to fulfill my dreams, I need to work on building certain characteristics. I admit I have not been quite disciplined, my accuracy is off  and I have seen that at times I have lost the battle of making assumptions, believing it, calling it out and at times living for myself. Eeew right? God I want to change. I want to be more disciplined and discipline starts with the simple everyday task. No more excuses only taking responsibility and this will help me to stay focused and become disciplined. I decided to take a drastic move today. I am responsible for my body and remaining healthy. I will be more disciplined in eating healthy and even wake up early morning or go for a walk in the evening every day (unless I am ill). I will also be disciplined with simple house chores ensuring that the house is not just tidy, but I do a good job in really deep cleaning and not just when I have people over. I will also be responsible in my planning, not just planning simple lessons, but challenging myself to do more and really take on challenges that my mind tells me I could never do. I know I can do all things, everything through Christ Jesus who strengthens me. 

I realized today that being disciplined requires letting some activities go. I realistically can't do everything although I really want to. Now, I would like to focus on studying languages, lesson planning and my missionary course until I start work again. When I study, my whole attention should be on studying and not half heatedly there as I switch back and forth between television programs. It is also up to me to fight thoughts of doubt or selfishness that pop into my head and say NO, I want to do or choose that thing which will glorify God. I realize now that I also have to be honest with myself and responsible for letting go of other commitments that I thought I could undertake and I really can't continue to do. I want to love and love God and others and never again will I ignore someone, I need to communicate, open up more and not be afraid of trusting others again. I know that ultimately I put all my trust in God, but I need community as well, even if past experiences have been daunting experiences it has taught me wisdom. I should move onto my next task now: planning.