Reflections 2014 -Lies the Enemy Told

Time is the one thing we can waste, but can never get back...once it is gone , it is gone. I am not sure where I am in my faith journey. I pray for a rekindling of love in my life. I want to love God with all my heart, mind and soul so and others unconditionally. There have been some rough times in my walk with the Lord and times where I feel I almost abandoned our relationship because of distractions. God I am asking you to be the center of my life, the middle, the core. I want to know you on a deeper level than ever before. I know I haven't been the best Christian and I have stumbled at times. I came to the point where I was ready just to throw in the towel because I thought every mistake I was making was only proving how bad I was and only bringing you shame. I had difficulty admitting I was wrong or at fault and put on a mask that I didn't make mistakes as a Christian. The more I made mistakes, the more guilty I felt the more I tried to avoid blame and justify my actions to save my goal of a perfect image.

Not only that, but I couldn't keep up with the idea of failing at anything. I was becoming concerned about what others think and not realizing that I couldn't live my life worrying about what others thought about me. Otherwise I would always be trying to live to make others happy, which is impossible, suppressing myself as a unique person and living a miserable life.

I am coming to that realization now and truly understanding that I am unique, and God has designed me with a uniqueness as God has designed everyone else with their own special qualities. In moments of silence and deep reflection I understand I can't make everyone happy and that not everyone will like me or be a friend. I am now realizing that only what God thinks of me should matter and be the final word.

For the majority of my life and as long as I can remember I have lived in fear of something and I haven't really expressed myself as an individual. I think back to my early childhood years in the first and second and maybe third grade where I had the imagination, personality, and belief that I could conquer it all. So what happened?

Over the years I gave into lies and thoughts that I could never be any more than my current situations. My family struggled and although I found a love and passion for the creative arts in the midst of my struggles, I battled with believing I could succeed. Finances were not on my side, I only held onto dreams and visions and missions to do something great in this world. Someday I was going to be writer that would win big and write the best seller book of all time.

Yes! many a times I talked myself out of writing. I compared myself to others too much and kept thinking I was too old to do anything as I aged gracefully. I said I couldn't do it and that I couldn't be like other professionals that had made it big. The thought was partially true: I COULD NOT be them because I COULD only be me.

I can only be the person who God created ME to be. I also heard that what we think and tell ourselves, what we feed our minds is what we begin to believe. It is kind of like the self fulfilling prophecy isn't it? r Well, I had began to believe that I wouldn't surmount to the highest of highs, and that my achievements were only temporary, it could never blossom into anything more.

[BREATHE] A new start for me and I have said this many times before, but now I realize I have nothing to lose and everything to gain for living with a renewed perspective, for being honest with myself about my insecurities, for letting God take control. I can only count a single moment in life where I decided to give God full control, but then took hold of the drivers wheel and tried to steer my life in another direction when the obstacles came.

I have decided not to feed into the lies of I can't and only believe that I can from now on. My favourite scripture is Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me and I believe this wholeheartedly.

Most importantly, I have decided to be honest with who I was, who I am and what I desire to be. I will not be a follower, but I will be that natural born leader that God has created me to be. I have decided to communicate with my Heavenly Father about everything, since He knows it already.

I want my prayer to God to be even stronger than before, than the time I prayed for this mysterious man. I say mysterious because I didn't even know him, but after reading an account on an accident he had  and the pleas from a friend for donations to cover hospital and travel costs after the man had slipped into a coma. I prayed that night...Remember Lord? It was the first time I felt a sense of real power. I can't put it into words, but I was telling God to wake him up and believing that God was right there hearing my prayer, like I was talking to a friend in person.

I was happy to hear the man had later woke up and came  out of his coma and I was encouraged knowing that prayers had been answered. I was determined to pray my way through everything from then on. Lord, I want to go beyond and deeper in living by faith, until that day my faith literally becomes sight.

Lord, help me to use the gifts and passions you have blessed me with, not only me but for everyone to realize that God has created them uniquely. May my writing serve to glorify your name, to encourage the discouraged, to bring people out of depression, to touch hearts, to melt hearts, to inspire and motivate, to do everything possible and most importantly to show people that there is a God that loves them and wants a relationship with them. I will not give into any lies of the past, present or the lies that I may rear their ugly heads in the future. I will not tell myself lies or feel guilty by lies the enemy told. I will live from this day forth and from now on in the re newness of mind and see each day as if it is were my last and live each day as if it were my last so that I can begin to live for what really matters: YOU. Amen!

reflection

I'll have to step back and think! I'll have to take a step back and pray! I urgently need wisdom from God. I don't like living anxiously, but in everything I am reminded that I should give thanks and be in prayer. This is life Lord and I can't just let it pass by without doing what really matters or doing any work for the kingdom. The past few days have got me seriously thinking about opportunities around the world to serve an to use the gifts that you have blessed me with.

I reflect on almost a year ago when the only thing that mattered was pleasing you, I was on a purging diet from worrying about all the cares of this world. I reckoned that if I could just draw closer to YOU Lord, I could be spiritually strong.

It feels like I'm desperately failing these string of tests and temptations to be a good steward with what you have given me, to love like you do  and to give. I am all over the place right now Lord and I need direction and most of all guidance and wisdom in every decision made.

Forgive me for selfish living and not always considering others above myself. Forgive me for not trusting you fully to deliver me from difficult situations and for anxious thinking and living. There's so much Lord, but you know it all and I am trusting you to help me focus on the kingdom and storing treasures on Heaven than on earth.

Francais

The following may not be the best translation....hey! It may not even come close since I still need to work on my grammar, but I will do my best. Also please excuse my missing grammar marks as I do not have my keyboard set on french.

J'ai demande a Dieu s'il etait heureux avec son peuple, quand nous commencons a crier et lui donner la grace,especialement durant les temps de besoin. C'est comme nous avons fait du bruit dans les oreilles et rien d'autre. C'est comme nous n'avons prendre au Dieu serieux dans nos vies et seulement t'a appelle quand il y a un probleme ou concerne.

Est-ce qu'on vraiment savoir le travaille de Dieu?

Durant les semaines prochaines je vais etre pensee de ma vie (je vais reflechir a ma vie) et mon relation personnel avec Dieu. Je vais ecrire un plan d'intervention (je ne put pas trouver un autre mot pour ce qui je veux dire) Mais essentialement c'est mon desir de se rapprocher de Dieu. Merci et parlez avec vous bientot!

Start back at one

It has been awhile since I've posted. I've been quite busy with work and there have been some storms. I have learned that taking my eyes off God and resting it on my problem can literally suck the life out of you. It is only a matter of time before you become weak and running back to the source of life. I went to church for the first time in a few weeks. I had been so consumed with work and doing a good job that I had invested days and nights into doing my best to prepare for my learners. The demand coupled with commuting for long hours proved to be too much for me and within the first two months, I threw in the towel and found myself physically tired, energy drained and saying "now what?" With no backup plan here I am again crawling back to Jesus. literally baby steps. A man once said if you don't learn from history, you are doomed to repeat it. I question this cycle of losing focus and wanting to do things in my own strength. I reminisce on my faith journey and those days where nothing else mattered just to be close to God and to follow after his heartbeat and now I am stuck in thinking about what I can get out of life, a somewhat selfish mentality. Lord bring me back to your heartbeat and strip all selfishness from my hands. I have so much to think about and pray about. I want to use those gifts which you have given me and I want my goals to be pleasing to you. Give me wisdom and restore my sense of worth and confidence by looking at this world and life through your eyes/perspective. Teach me!

Thoughts from my heart

Yesterday I met a man in his 90's. I sat in the doctors office waiting to speak with the physician and as only the two of us waited in the room, our eyes met and we began to talk. He told me about the responsibility he has taking care of his ill wife and how it's not easy even when the private nurse visits them for a few hours each day. He continued with his role as a husband and how he cooks and had stopped by the doctors office because he fell and hurt his head. He removed his cap and I saw the bandages carefully placed on his head. When I asked him about his family and if he had children he said yes, but they were too busy with their own families, although they do stop by to visit for a couple of hours. I began to think about my parents and the responsibility of soon supporting them.

As he reflected on his life he shared with me his experiences living in South Africa for several years and then moving to Canada. He owned a company and worked in construction. I was so proud of his achievements and really encouraged that he was so strong.

It broke my heart when he said that life was hard for him as he had to take care of his wife and that he doesn't care if he goes right now. Everyone has to go someday! His gesture and words convinced me that he thought if someone is good he or she goes up and if someone is bad he or she goes down. I wanted to share the Gospel in that moment, but weak in faith the most I could say was mention Jesus' name and Heaven. He shook his head in a manner as if he was not sure if that was right.

The conversation was great and as I walked out of the office and into another medical centre full of with adult children and their aging parents I found myself convinced that God was speaking about my role and duty to take care of mom and dad. Until now, I could see myself living for me and not accomplishing anything. It is like being trapped trying to worry about myself and future and helping my parents when I am still not fully established. I don't know what the future looks like, but I constantly find myself on a hazy path, I say hazy because although I have goals I feel something always pops up and interrupts it...or is it my lack of ability to stay focused.

I remember at the doctors office the elderly man I spoke to said that although he wishes to just go on, he couldn't because he needed to take care of his wife. Why? "It's my duty!" he said. I suddenly feel if I approach life and my relationships, how I handle money and spend the time and serve others and God and everything in between with the mindset of "my duty!" if this would change the results.

There is so much I wish I could go back and do differently and although I feel I have lived life, sheltered sharing everything with God and no one else, I feel it's time for me to take a step of faith into independence, take the burden off my parents of worrying about what I am going to do next...trust God for a good job, remain faithful and committed to my duties, be proactive in finding a Christian mate and work on my relationships with family and friends.

I feel right now like the biggest loser for Christ, I feel my lifestyle has taken a journey on a rollercoaster and because of that I have been lukewarm...no unbeliever will believe my report,, no believer will want to encourage me...I need you Jesus...break me so that I know what it means to cling onto you and never let go, but help me see the things that you have planned for me because sometimes I just want to throw in the towel, but it's that hope that you give and faith as small as a mustard seed that I am holding onto.

I would love to just be a GREAT teacher, a MOTHER to my own children and orphans and a GREAT wife supporting my husband, but I need you to help me work on my relationship with YOU...so I can be a GREAT daughter to you Lord and to my earthly parents and a GREAT sister, aunty, friend and everything in between.

I only want to be in love with Jesus, Lord renew my mind, renew my thoughts and show me what it means to fall deep in love with you. I want to go deeper than I have ever been before to a place where when my whole world is falling apart, I remain calm, loving you more in my heart. I don't want anyone to take my love for you no man or friend. I will put you first.

Lord remind me to always pray and not lose heart. I want your Holy Spirit to control me. I surrender everything to you because I can't do it. I acknowledge my selfishness and my sin and I repent. I don't want to live a selfish life or invest in the physical things of this world, but Lord I just want to be satisfied in you.

I have not been faithful. Lord grant me your favor, forgive me. I have been lukewarm and not hot for you. Sometimes I feel like Lord I don't know why you love me and choose to love me despite the times I have denied you.

Lord, I know that I don't have to worry about what people think, but I just need to put you first and serve you.

Accept me Lord, not because of what I have done. but because of what I can never do in terms of righteousness, but to live by faith and seek your will all the days of my life. I love you Lord and I keep holding on.

Life...when you feel like you've hit rock bottom...hold on

While I am not at rock bottom yet, it is so unbelievably amazing how things can change in your life from one moment to the next. Situations happen where at one moment it feels like you can conquer the world and you are on a very high pinnacle, but there are those where you feel life has take a 360 degree turn on you and you find yourself struggling. What happens to faith? Well, for me whenever I take my eyes off of God, even but for a second I lose all sense of my reality of faith and begin to focus on my problems...my problems then begin to look bigger and bigger.

I know that I need to refocus my attention on God, but avoiding distractions has proven at times to be quite difficult, but I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me.

Now, I am not sure what is ahead for me or where and what God will have me to do next, but I am realizing that a life of faith will see me through each and every circumstance if I just stay in communion with my Heavenly Father and don't focus on what other people might say or do.

The battle often occurs in the mind and I have to be careful because if I start to believe the lies that the enemy proposes, it could literally change my whole life. Our thoughts eventually change our actions if we believe them.

People are people is a piece of advice that I heard last week. It really stuck with me!
This helps to put ideas into perspective especially when at times we feel judged or if we are tempted to pass judgments. It is never OKAY to do so. From experience, I know how it feels to be judged and to mess up and say things that people take in a judgmental way. The enemy at times would love to play on our mistakes, but at the end of the day KNOW that God is bigger than all our problems, perceptions, mistakes and disappointments.

There has to be a purpose why I am in this predicament that I am in now and my response in any event will be to praise the Lord and to let not thoughts come in the way from obscuring my fellowship or judgment. God grant me to wisdom. I want more wisdom and desire it to make decisions that are pleasing to you.

I want that faith that continues to persist and persist despite the hard times, a faith that just continues to seek you Lord in everything and that literally sees you working out everything for our own good. God is in control!

I was so blessed by the sermon preached yesterday morning by a visiting pastor and even more encouraged that he helped to shift my focus back on God. I know I have messed up a times  and taken my faith for granted. I don't generally consider myself a quitter, but I know the feeling of almost giving up on God and everyone else and being tempted to not care anymore. Lord it is quite lonely and I never want to neglect the faith that you have given me. Your word says that everyone must work out their own salvation and so that is what I will continue to do.

My desire is to glorify your name. Father glorify your name :)