This weekend I saw confirmations of my calling for the ministry, perhaps as a missionary. I will not say perhaps, but more confidently as a missionary. I have had a determination to draw closer to YOU Jesus and to revive my relationship with you after years of complacency on my part. When I attended a church service, another regular Sunday service for me, something happened. Something happened for the first time in my life, in my many years of attending church services and events, the word YOUR WORD was made clear to me. The pastor did not just inform me that I was a sinner, needed to believe in Jesus before I die or spend eternity without Him in damnation. Rather he went further and gave a perfect visual example of my life as a sinner and what that looked like as a stairway to heaven, except one act of imperfection prohibited me from taking another step on the stairwell to heaven. I needed a redeemer. Sin in the past was only covered, however, when Jesus came and died on the cross he died for my sins to wipe them away, I am no longer condemned to an eternity of hell, if I simply put my faith in Christ and the work He did. God is the author of beautiful things, I could never think of this Perfect plan. For the first time, I truly understood why I needed a Savior. I understood everything more. I understood salvation better and grace and the uselessness of my works to get to heaven. Yeah, I would be able to walk up a few stairs on the stairwell to heaven if I relied on my works to get me there, but the imperfections and only one bad decision that I have made in my life would prohibit me from going all the way to the top. Lord, with YOU, I can YOU can bring me to the top of the stairwell to Heaven. Reflecting on my life, I could see that I didn't understand it before and so I was still relying on my good works, for what? Now, I can appreciate YOUR love Jesus, not only for me, but for humanity. God sent His Son that I might not perish, but have eternal life. God sent His Son that EVERYONE who believes in HIM, no matter what they have done in their lives, shall not perish, but live. YOUR grace is so wonderful, even at the last minute LORD, YOU saved the thief on the cross.
Following the pastor's sermon, I wanted to study God's word, I wanted to stop investing in this world and invest in my relationship with Christ and the eternal kingdom. I just didn't know the next step. The church featured a list of courses and programs throughout the week and I was easily captured by an evangelism course. I was excited because I thought it was the best class for me, I could jump in and get involved with sharing the Gospel of God. I took note of the person with whom to get in contact with and when I returned home from church I was excited to email my interest in joinging the course. I had made a decision that I wanted to just know more about Jesus and his word. I thought that taking this course with review the principles of my faith and salvation once more and give me an opportunity to put it into practice. However, God had different plans. I was really sad when I recieved a reply from the pastor in charge informing me that the course was full and I would have to wait until the next term. I felt so confused, Jesus what will you have me to do next? The following Sunday, I attended church and during the the announcements was excited to see that God had opened up a new course "A passion for purpose" a course focused on helping us to understand our purpose in life. It was exactly what I needed. I thought to myself "Jesus, closed one door, so that He could open up another door for me, this is probably where He wanted me to be." I was very excited and emailed the contact person in charge as soon as I got home. Enrolled in the course I had an opportunity to explore my spiritual gifts with a few assessments. I was suprise to see that the assessments reflected my strengths and skills and passions. However, on a particular test "missionary" was outlined as my top spiritual gift. A missionary, yes I had the ability to care for others and I enjoyed helping others, but Jesus come on there is no way I could do this," The facilitator of the group asked me if I had thought of ministry before, I knew I wanted to serve, but I didn't know anything about the missions field. The missions that I had met sometime ago had to rely on church donations and had to continuously seek fundraising and support. That night I went home and thought about it. Looking up information on becoming a missionary just confirmed the support full time missionaries had to raise. I thought about the spiraling communities and thousands of missionaries that are already working in the mission field, could I find people to support me. This missionary idea didn't seem possible, but I did keep it in mind.
I had attended a training with the church some weeks later and the pastor touched on the mission field. I had spoken with another pastor after the training and ask him his thoughts about working in the ministry. I didn't realize I could work in the ministry full time, but this pastor clarified that it is possible...perhaps working at a Christian school abroad. I had never considered this. I understood that as a missionary, I didn't have to travel back and forth seeking support, but I, as many missionaries do had the option of working full time in the particular destination of where I would be and ministering part time to other projects. I know this realization should have come earlier, simply put, but I thank God it came and I kept this in mind. He told me about his son who had just finished law school and informed his dad, that he believes God is calling him now to go to seminary. Missionaries have strong faith.
I was having a conversation with a friend on the phone and told her about my discussion with the pastor. "Teaching at a Christian school, or Missionaries children, we call that becoming an MK teacher, she said" I was so far removed in my understanding about the mission field. I didn't realize an MK teacher was a Missionary Kid Teacher. The idea seemed nice, but how do I get started? Where? What? I still had many questions. "Anyways," I continued. "What are you guys doing this weekend?" I asked my friend. She informed me that she would be seeing a friend who just had a baby and would be returning to China soon. "She works with....Oh my gosh!" my friend stated. "She works with MK children. She is an MK teacher."
We had decided that I would come along to talk with her friend and ask her questions about the mission field and what it was like being a missionary, and the role of a missionary teacher, but at the last moment I pulled out. "I can always call her" I thought, but I never did.
I began reading more and more books and realized, including a book that focused on evangelism and sharing the Gospel with others. I was excited that I would be reading more to help me get a better knowledge of what genre of book I would most enjoy writing. I recieved an email from a friend that I had met at the church training some weeks ago. I had marveled in her passion and dedication to becoming a full time missionary and pretty soon she would be going to Discipleship Training. In the email, she informed me that she had some books for me and would bring them for me on Sunday. I was happy. I love reading and I had planned to read 10 books within the next two months, inspirational non fiction, fiction even language books. Fortunately, I would be attending a prayer meetng service within the week, the same prayer service she would be attending. I let her know and she brought me the books, both having to do with the experiences and true stories of missionaries.
Finally yesterday, in search for what I am suppose to do next with my purpose "to serve the emotional needs of individuals" The pastor spoke about our motives and to examine what we are truly living for. Was I living for my own wants, pleasures and selfish desires or for the kingdom of God, investing in planting a seed in the world in lives, so that ultimately God would receive the glory and unbelievers would come to know salvation in Christ Jesus. What was driving my life? Was I helping to strengthen the weak, especially the believers and helping unbelievers discover the fact that they (as I am, as we all are) sinners and need repentance, with a humble attitude and not a "holier than thou" attitude. Everything he said tied in with the books that I was reading, including the idea of planting seeds before it is too late. Finally, before the pastor closed he had addressed the recent news of many teachers who would have to leave because of a new law that meant teachers could no longer work in the country. I sat and listened as one, that would be affected if I decided to return and teach. His desperate plea "Use this as an opportunity for you to get involved in missions, start a church somewhere, don't just go home, but be radical." The pastor had challenged everyone to go to the mission field. Tears quietly trickled down my face and in my prayer to YOU Jesus I said "I don't want to, but I have too." I felt the Lord tugging on me. "Just take care of my parents and their retirement, they worked hard for me I don't need the money, the clothes, the expensive meals, the comfort and satisfaction of living life comfortably I can do it as long as I have you" As the pastor kept on talking, he slowed his speech to emphasize the last words ..."because only what you do.." I knew what was coming. I thought about the hospital bed and seeing her lying there, the result of cancer, one of the results living in a sin stained world, I retrieved thoughts about the grave as her casket moved slowly into the ground. I thought about the one thing she would always say to me, the pastor completed her sentence "for God will last." I cried.
I received an invitation to go to an event, a dinner event happening the same night and journaled my experiences of God's calling on my life to become a missionary on my way to the event. I had signs, but no faith, but I wanted God to help my unbelief. The dinner I would be going to was in celebration of a new school. The pastor had served as a missionary for years. I intended to ask him questions, but didn't get too.
Anyways Jesus, I will keep praying, writing, reading, eating, doing whatever I have to do, but all to the glory of God. I am seeking the next step that I should take, but what I want to ask from YOU is this, "discernment and wisdom" I need more of this especially during these days. I love YOU Jesus, YOU are my one desire. I need to keep fighting despite what life throws at me because the end will be worth it and only what I do for YOU will last.
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