Today I went to a concert. It had been awhile since I saw a concert. This concert was organized by the young adults from the church I attend. The two main acts featured one musical band and one solo artist. I loved the band's music and how the band was able to fuse their different sounds into a single creative piece. It's hard to describ, but I found myself easily humming out spontaneous made up lyrics on the spot. The solo artist was quite inspiring for me, actually I felt that as he played the guitar and sang song after song that YOU were actually speaking tomy heart. As he sang my passion for music, writing and serving YOU was revived. It is amazing that YOU bless people wuth different gifts and talents and beautiful voices, It is my desire to use those blessings which YOU have blessed me with to bless others. Lord YOU know the desire of my heart, please search my heart and if it is your will grant me the desire of my heart. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to attend this concert, it is always a blessing to see young people doing what they love to do.

Dear Jesus

Today I played the piano. I am so happy and thankful that I have the opportunity to learn the piano. As a young child I always loved music and I would have loved to take music lessons and although I never had the chance to do so because of certain circumstances, I am happy that you have given me the chance to learn. We are never too old to learn and so today as I experimented with the white keys on the piano, with your help I created beautiful melodies. I still need to work on the lyrics for the musical piece, but I have an idea to tell a story with the lyrics. I want to talk about how sometimes in this life we make mistakes or get caught up with living just for the now and our biggest mistake, leaving you out of the equation of our life, but life means nothing without you. There are those most confusing times when like the prodigal son we return back to you, but only for awhile to return to our own sinful and selfish ways. There are those times when I ran back to you for good I pledged, but it was if I couldn't hear you anymore.During this time I wondered if I grieved the Holy Spirit to the point where I could no longer hear from you. I was always reminded that you would never forsake me.

I am more determined than ever to get up brush myself off and know you better. I am more determined to  rekindle the flames of my relationship with you. This time I don't want the flame to burn out. I want to keep falling in love with you again and again. Everyday I want to live my life for you. Everyday I want to live in your presence. I realize I live to trust you and I realize my life means nothing without you.

As I think about the words for this song I think about the scripture 1 Corinthians 15:19 "If in this life only we have hope in Christ we are of all men the most miserable (pitable)" I want to know the fullness of salvation living for you not for what I can get out of this life, or only when times get tough, but to know you  personally during my lowest points and highest points in life. I want to live also knowing I have hope to see you one day. I hope I can translate these feelings into a song.

To be continued-
"One thing I have desired of the Lord,

That will I seek:

That I may fdwell in the house of the Lord

All the days of my life,

To behold the 2beauty of the Lord,

And to inquire in His temple."

(Psalm 27:4)

Dear Jesus

She played so beautifully. I watched intensely as her fingers raced across the piano. The beautfiful melodies she created caught my attention. I knew then that one day, maybe someday I could learn the piano and play that song just as well. I didn't want to be the next Beethoven, I just wanted the opportunity to play out those sweet melodies and songs in my head. It was a few months later that I found myself stroking the keys of our old keyboard at home. I didn't know how to play and I  still don't know much about piano, but at that point in my life I found much consolement in music as I had always done. I have never quite been the type to speak up what is on my mind, but it has always been much easier for me to speak louder than ever through writing and  particulary through writing songs. It took me awhile to realize that You sometimes spoke to me through my own lyrics. I remember my former pastor saying that when one shares a sermon the sermon is first for that person. The songs I write I then remember that I need to relay that message to myself first before anyone else.

At home we had an old keyboard. I played around with it, hitting the white keys one at a time trying to make a melodious sound. I searched for online piano tutorials that could help me to learn anything more about the piano. I was amazed how the young and old are blessed with such a gift of handling the piano.

I was trying to write a song for her. I found encouragement and strength through her and her response to the situation. It was just like Job. A man who lost everything his children, his possessions, everything and yet his response was Shall we accept good from the Lord and not bad. Job still praised God in his suffering.

She was dying and I am not sure if she knew it, maybe she did. When I  visited her in the critical unit it looked as if she lost alot of weight.She was not tall to begin with, but why did it look like she had shrunken? She was moaning at times in pain. For sure it was the affects of the chemotherapy. The music played in the background, Christian hymns. Her lips were a bit dry so I put some  vaseline on it for her. I read her psalm 23. Even in her pain she was thanking You Jesus.

A few days later I came to see her again, but they told me she was moved to another room. In the room I saw the nurse  and another lady. I saw her sleeping, "Oh she's sleeping I said" The nurse replied she is in a coma. I was scared Jesus. There came a time when I stood alone in the room with her. I spoke to her and promised to play her favorite song I would come back with the guitar and sing for her. I didn't know what to say. Her eyelids sometimes twitched as if she was fighting to get out and see the lights.

After so many hours she came out of the coma, I couldn't visit...I can't remember why, but I would go and see her soon maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow came and I got the phone call from her husband. She passed last night. Jesus to be absent from this body is to be present with You right? I never got to play her that last song.

It was cold , so cold in February. The morning of the funeral the church was packed, the pastors all walked in ushered by a woman with a loud voice reciting psalm 23. Her casket was at the front and overlooked the congregation. This funeral was different. It was as if my mind was more at peace knowing that she is with You, but difficult and like a dream, didn't hit that she was really no longer here.

He stayed strong all the way until the casket began to move further down in the grave. He shook his head and cried "no no". The hardest part for me is to see the casket be lowered in the ground. I thank you Jesus that you give us a hope, a hope that is real. I often wonder how I could begin to comprehend death without you in the equation. I think I would be so hopeless and unconsolable. How would I get through the next day? Because of you I have tears yes but I am comforted with your peace and hope. I wonder what she is doing right now in your presence?

I sat one day and thought about just how difficult life is. No one has it all perfect. My biggest misconception  when I was younger was thinking that money could solve everything, position and power could satisfy me. I came to understand that this was a big misconception. "We are shooting the school scene, I need you to walk this way" I was filming another television show as an extra. I was so excited and I even bought some accessories to wear on set. After spending most of the day doing re runs and observing the camera men, the scenes, the actors and the setting...an old run down factory it occured to me this is so fake.

I mean I knew it was fake, but being on set the first time I didn't realize just how a few props and camera men could turn a small factory into a television show that looked so real. The actors are human just like me and you, and so I am sure they have their own set of problems to balance, not to forget the wanted and unwanted attention that accompanies fame. How do they manage? Taking the fake scenes and making it look real as they play different roles, then transitioning back into their own lives with the whole world watching expecting them to be like the fake characters that they portray in the movies, dramas, television shows, music videos.

Jesus it must be difficult! More difficult than I can imagine. I thought to myself what if I could have anything in the whole world. What if I had the money to buy anything in this world. Then I would buy it all. Yes, all. Everything. All the latest fashion clothes included. Another thought came...What if I did just that and I had the latest of everything. There is nothing more to get. I have it all. I have done it all. Recieved the accolades that I worked so hard to gain. What next? I just reach the top and stay stagnant...No. There has to be more, otherwise there wouldn't be anything to live for...The rich can no longer live for all the riches when they have it all. Jesus there has too be more to life? This is when I gave up the thinking of riches will solve all my problems. I started to think more after a sermon I heard. The pastor said something that really opened my eyes :"You are not ready to live until you are ready to die"

The pastor was right. If I woke up each morning thinking that I am on my death bed today, the truth of what really matters would come out. I bet my bank account would be the last thing I worry about. I would think about my life the years God gave me and how I invested them; relationships where I needed to forgive, especially since You forgave me, I would think about judgement. I want no tears or regrets.
If I wake up every morning with this mentality then life will be so much more fulfilling, knowing that I have a clear direction and purpose to please You Jesus. If I wake up every morning on my death bed then I am ready to live.

The next day was Sunday. We had buried her body in the same cemetry where just a few weeks earlier we had buried another brother in Christ. That Sunday her husband didn't show up for church, he needed to rest, emotionally drained I believe. That Sunday father took over and lead the service. We dedicated it to her. I remember her sharing a testimony of how she saw me once playing her favorite song. She was feeling bad, but then when she heard it she felt better. That Sunday I played the guitar as best as I could. I wanted heaven to hear it. I played as best as I could. I played her the last song.


To be continued-
"One thing I have desired of the Lord,

That will I seek:

That I may fdwell in the house of the Lord

All the days of my life,

To behold the 2beauty of the Lord,

And to inquire in His temple."

(Psalm 27:4)

Dear Jesus

I  guess I am living a new chapter in my life. I am no longer a child or that once curious and ambitious adolescent. Neither do I play the role of the dedicated university student with a motivation to always do my best. For the past few years I have been working full time. I remember as a recent graduate from university trying to concieve how the transition from full time studies to full time work would be, but I must say I have adopted this new lifestyle quite well. I have always been that person trying to multitask many commitments. The transition to a full time employee has provided me with opportunities to work with children, youth and adults. I have alternated  working roles within the teaching and social work field.  The thought of adopting a missionary life has crossed my mind a few times.  As a young child I remember having a desire to help others. As an adolescent I remember trying to find a human rights issue to dedicate my writing too. I wanted to write and raise awareness. As a college student searching and finding and losing and searching again I was left with "what next?" questions. Lord you revealed to me that no matter  how much dedicated human rights activists tried to changed the world for the best, or even tried to raise awareness about social injustices, there was a deeper issue at hand here: the heart condition.

Change started within the heart and with each individual coming to the realization that everyone is born a sinner. I know this realization may be a wide gap for some people to bridge, but during my first year as a full time employee I began to turn my attention to this realization. Later I will discuss this perhaps more in detail.


All these years I knew the truth about You, the irony was that I even attended Bible classes. I guess the motivation to succeed was prevalent in my life, but the desire and passion to wean myself off of the baby milk and graduate to eating solid food by deepening my relationship with You was put on the back burner. I was always either too busy or involving myself in different projects focused on making myself more resourceful and successful. I lost all focus on You.

I had it all wrong. I had it backwards. It took me quite a few years to realize that I was relying on my own strength, my own limited power and resources to get me further ahead in life. I was trying to do what every normal graduate does, compete for possession and a direction in life and I didn't even have a clear direction of where I wanted to be.

Looking back maybe I was a bit impulsive. I was always running around trying to take hold of any opportunity. As an ex-coworker once told me I guess I had ants in my pants and I wanted to do everything at once. This was what I confused for success.

 I realized later on that I was called to live a  life focused on You.  The first year as a full time employee I was hired to work at a community program. It was for a non profit organization. The pay wasn't great, definately not the best pay for a graduate, but the need to find something quick to begin paying off some loans eventually determined my decision to take on the job. The centre had a beautiful mural that was attractive from the outside. The upstairs had a nice office setting and a computer and telephone just for me. I always wanted my own office.

The children that I would be working with seemed alright at first glance. The working hours I automatically knew were awful. I would have to work a split shift. The program would be a before and afterschool program which meant I would work the morning, have the afternoon to rest and then work the late afternoon shift until evening. It didn't make any sense. I lived too far away from this place, but I needed a job quickly. At that time I was completing some courses for an academic program. It seemed like the perfect solution: work on my school work during the split shift and then resume my employment duties in the late afternoon. "I think I can manage this job just until I find something else Lord."

It wouldn't be long until the demands and the challenges that I would have to face hit me hard. Oh, the many times I wanted to leave. I knew I wasn't suppose to be here. This was not for me Jesus, but I had to hang in there. I met wonderful people and my boss was Christian. She was one of the best human role models that I met until this day. She turned the program from looking like rags to looking beyond riches, but I knew deep inside that I wanted to leave:"How much longer Lord." I know that when they asked me how long I wanted to commit I said a year, but it was not even a year yet and all of my developmental domains were curling up and dying. I needed to get out of here.

It was here where I learned my first life lesson on commitment and following through on my word, despite the circumstances.

3 to 4 months later, the small office room became my closet of communication with You.  I wasn't working on school work much now and so I had free time to search the internet for volunteering opportunities. However, I found myself listening to sermons: http://www.oneplace.com/. When there was no one around I would stay in the small office room, listening to sermon after sermon. It was during this time when I realized I wanted to know You better than I had known You now. I wanted to revive the same zeal I had in seeking for Him years earlier as a litttle child.

I realized that my growing up experiences , adolescence and entrance into the young adult life stages saw me place meaningless priorties ahead of You. What a mistake! I thought about my life and the many hardships that  You had always turned around for Your glory. Even in my most saddest moments I saw Your grace and protection over my life. I began to listen to sermons and pray in that little room during my split shift. Sometimes I would take little naps, but it was in this position that provided me with more opportunity and time (in what would seem like a job that wasted time) for me to seek You, Jesus and try to learn about You better.

To be continued-
"One thing I have desired of the Lord,

That will I seek:

That I may fdwell in the house of the Lord

All the days of my life,

To behold the 2beauty of the Lord,

And to inquire in His temple."

(Psalm 27:4)

Dear Jesus

"Look guys there's _______________" It was probably the first time that I had ever gotten so close to a famous person before. ______________was known as the 100 meter sprinter gold medalist.  There he was in a suit and tie all glamored up for the night. The night was quite glamorous indeed. Myself and other highschool classmates were selected to attend a very big awards ceremony. The ceremony would feature some very popular people and important people from the world of politics. Politics was the last thing I was passionate about so I didn't really jump for joy at the sight of the politicians. However, in the back of my mind I had made a decision that if I didn't become a writer or a singer, I would want to become an athlete, particularly a sprinter. In elementary school I dreamt of my future as a professional runner.  It was often highlighted with me running through the finish line, the red banner falling to the ground and my hands lifted high and waving in the air. The announcers were over excited and screaming "Oh my gosh she did it we've never seen anything like this a new world record," but unfortunately or fortunately that was not the route God had me to take.

My highschool principal had a few tickets for the awards ceremony and  those tickets were passed down to a few students, I being one of them. The ceremony was meant to motivate us youngsters to aim for the top. I remember the speech of a young girl who had graduated from highschool with an outstanding GPA. She spoke eloquently of her achievements and faithfully thanked her parents and mentors. I thought she was so smart and mature, I am not sure if I thought I had what it took to even consider competing on her level. The experience was motivating for me, but a far fetched dream. Jesus why was I here? I was not yet mature no matter how hard I tried. My notion of maturity was quite construed, maturity rather meant acting older and looking older, gaining experiences that I never had by creating them for myself without commiting to responsibility.

 At the cermony my seriousness could only be contained for so long before the immaturity began to kick in.  Although I certainly was not wild, I more or less love to make people laugh and to laugh myself. It was not long before others and I decided we were hungry and decided to scavenger hunt nearby convenience stores and take out restaurants that could feed our sudden appetites on a budget. My one friend stayed behind, she was quite mature. I  secretly aspired to be like her. She was a role model indeed,  an apparent hardworker and very intelligent.

Those of us who had gone on the scavenger hunt for food got back  in time for the closing of the ceremony. I told my mother all about the ceremony, the glamour, the awards, the famous athlete. It was amazing. It was a dream come true, and I mean literally a dream come true. Who would have known but You Lord,  that in your plan for my life a  few years later you would provide me with another opportunity to attend the awards ceremony, only this time to walk across the stage and accept an award.

To be continued-
"One thing I have desired of the Lord,

That will I seek:

That I may fdwell in the house of the Lord

All the days of my life,

To behold the 2beauty of the Lord,

And to inquire in His temple."

(Psalm 27:4)

Dear Jesus

When I was younger I wanted to be a writer. I loved how easy it was to be entertained and to entertain others with stories. I read many books as a child and I wrote many stories too.  It was so much easier to express myself through writing. I found much pleasure in reading, watching and playing sports and music. My life as a child was centred on these three hobbies. I didn't know anything more. I remember as a child I had much curiosity about You though. I remember watching television telethons with dedicated volunteers pleading for tv watchers to send in a one time donation to support a child. I didn't fully understand it all, but I had compassion. Sometimes I would lie on my bed and close my eyes really tight. I tried to imagine how this world came into being? It was during these years that my teacher had begun to more seriously discuss evolution, but I was more familiar with the Garden of Eden. Father also had one of those beautiful Bible books that showed how beautiful the Garden looked. I didn't focus much attention on evolution. When I closed my eyes and thought about the beginning, I saw a darkness darker than you can ever imagine, just plain darkness. I thought how amazing to speak everything into being, but honestly I still  didn't understand it all. I guess I was doing what everyone does: "searching for an answer about YOU, searching for truth," but I wouldn't come to understand it until some years later.

"Why me?" Many nights I would be afraid to close my eyes. Mother would make me say a prayer before I went to bed. I didn't understand it but I repeated part of the prayer "Gentle Jesus meek and mild look upon a little child, pity my simplicity suffer me to come to thee. If I die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen" My heavy eyelids would rest, my eyes would close and return me to the familiar darkness, but the darkness would only remain so long. "NO!" I saw the woman standing in the dark, a mother maybe. She looked like she was in her forties. She was standing in the rain. It was pouring. Many years ago, I can`t remember if she was trying to run or just standing there. The car headlights came on in the midst of the darkness out of nowhere. It was heading towards her. `NO!`` I jumped out my heart was beating fast. One of many nightmares I would have as a child. Many nights I would walk over to my parents room and snuggle in between them. They could protect me from the bad nightmares. They were older and bigger and stronger right? "NO!" "What's wrong?" My mother said. "What's wrong?" I kept my eyes closed. It was another bad nightmare. I would give anything to have a night of rest? Who were these people? Maybe I needed to stop watching scary movies before I went to bed, maybe they were influencing my bad nightmares.
 I watched many movies with my older siblings, but I would close my eyes at the scary parts. Did it count? I just saw the moments that lead up to the scary part, but didn't actually witness the scariest of the scary.
Who could take away these nightmares.

At school I was good in french. The accent just came naturally, the intonation and everything. This year I was going to learn french, but I was sad because I was going to change schools. The pivotal moments in my life. It was difficult. I wasn't as popular as my old school and what goes around comes around. The teachers were nice, but I had seen some of them before, but I couldn't remember where. I I had one teacher for English and one for French. I tried to be the best student that I could be, but these students were somewhat advanced than I. They had been studying together for a few months before I came, and not to forget all the years they had prior to this year. I moved from being the student who was outspoken many years earlier to becoming a shy student in a new setting and a new environment. Are they better than me? So many questions.

For three years I studied french. It was difficult at first, but eventually it just grows on you. I was an average student, not the best, but I tried really hard to learn and I loved learning more when I was in the moment of really getting and understanding a concept. This is when math was most enjoyable for me, when I was understanding. Math was my most challenging subject, I couldn't think fast enough with numbers, but if you gave me music, I could memorize it to the tee and even add in my own creative flair. I was a great athlete. French was now secondary for me. My teachers were encouraging very encouraging. I can't remember when, which year, but I had a moment sitting in class. It hit me. It was like deja vu I thought. I looked at my teacher. My eyes examined her clothes, I looked at the classroom,the whole setting, my eyes returned back to my teacher's face. I knew I had seen her. I dreamt of this moment! A year, two years earlier, I can't remember when, but I was more certain she was in my dreams.  The same moment I had dreamt about we were role playing it now. I said the same thing, she said the same thing, she's wearing the same clothes, that is where I had seen her before...in my dreams. I didn't say anything and soon I would come to realize that years later some faces, situations, settings would be something familiar from my dreams, but somewhere between graduating from elementary school and highschool I don't recall such a real moment as this. I would have dreams, no longer scary nightmares, but the dreams were very short and meaningless I thought,but it didn't become real until I had one of those deja vu moments, I'm guessing once every 4 or 5 years. I didn't pay attention to time. What could have seem like many years ago could have really been 1 year ago. As a highschool student the teenage life seems to have its own agenda. I didn't write stories as music only songs. I would hear somebody say something, read a sentence in a magazine a textbook and a whole set of thoughts would run through my head. I would run quickly to find pen and paper and rhymes, lyrics would flow. I would focus much attention on completing it before doing anything else for the day. In the night I can't remember dreaming, but I remember waking up in the middle of the night to write. I didn't understand it. I wish I could find those papers again and read them through. I would write whatever came to mind, words, lyrics, scripture verses. I had so many loose sheets of papers my desk couldn't contain them. Underneath my mattress was a backspring. This became the storage place for my works. It was easier in the night to write my idea and push it underneath my matress between the mattress and my backspring. I wrote many poems, I wrote many songs, simple songs, simple choruses. I didn't understand it all, but it didn't matter at that time as long as I was writing and storing it. I didn't read as much.

My highschool years, had seen me take more of an interest in writing poetry and music. Music became even more prevalent in my life. Studying and regaining limited popularity within my own group of friends took more of a priority. Jesus, I should have focused more on you. There were many times I came back on track with you, but then I got distracted.

Certain moments in my life would feel recognizable, like I had relived this situation, but I didn't pay much attention. I would only write more about the feelings that accompanied this new teenage life and sometimes my longing of more communication with you. I had a flashback to my earlier days.

Sunday mornings had been spent in front of the television, skipping through tv church services, fundraising telethons and sometimes cartoons. One morning my mother was going to church and she took me with her. Father slept in bed. I was entertained for sure. The choir performed they were good. They talked about Jesus. The church was full. There were so many sisters and brothers. " Hi sister..." "Hi brother.." were common greetings exchanged. Sisters and brothers in Christ. "I'm hungry" I whispered to my mother. "We will leave soon she promised." The service was long, but there were many people, many children. I was too shy for the Sunday school, but the atmosphere felt like home. Everyone was so happy.

Father came to church one Sunday. He returned for the evening service. Later on I will share his testimony, but pretty much sooner than later as a young child (grade 4 or 5) I began to attend church more regularly. Pretty soon I was baptized. It was different in elementary school, I am sure my teacher questioned my faith. Most of my comments during our religion class would reiterate deep comments about Jesus. I remember on a public bus trying to discuss the Bible with a lady. I had much more zeal.

Now in highschool, Jesus what happened to our relationship. I wanted it back, but I also wanted to live like everyone else, but you can't serve two masters at once right? Sometimes my own lyrics would witness to me. I didn't understand it. I loved music and I would easily be captured and convinced by the instrumentals much before even listening to the lyrics. One of my biggest mistakes. I learnt that what I listen to, watch, read, they all influence my thoughts about life. I should have spent more time focused on you than focused on other distractions. It would take a miracle to draw us back together. Sometimes we get so deep into something that we don't even know we are far away from what we truly need.

Many years would come and go, many hardships, many thoughts, many feelings written on paper. I would have never thought that you would provide many more opportunities and much more grace. Wow!

To be continued-
"One thing I have desired of the Lord,

That will I seek:

That I may fdwell in the house of the Lord

All the days of my life,

To behold the 2beauty of the Lord,

And to inquire in His temple."

(Psalm 27:4)