"Why me?" Many nights I would be afraid to close my eyes. Mother would make me say a prayer before I went to bed. I didn't understand it but I repeated part of the prayer "Gentle Jesus meek and mild look upon a little child, pity my simplicity suffer me to come to thee. If I die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen" My heavy eyelids would rest, my eyes would close and return me to the familiar darkness, but the darkness would only remain so long. "NO!" I saw the woman standing in the dark, a mother maybe. She looked like she was in her forties. She was standing in the rain. It was pouring. Many years ago, I can`t remember if she was trying to run or just standing there. The car headlights came on in the midst of the darkness out of nowhere. It was heading towards her. `NO!`` I jumped out my heart was beating fast. One of many nightmares I would have as a child. Many nights I would walk over to my parents room and snuggle in between them. They could protect me from the bad nightmares. They were older and bigger and stronger right? "NO!" "What's wrong?" My mother said. "What's wrong?" I kept my eyes closed. It was another bad nightmare. I would give anything to have a night of rest? Who were these people? Maybe I needed to stop watching scary movies before I went to bed, maybe they were influencing my bad nightmares.
I watched many movies with my older siblings, but I would close my eyes at the scary parts. Did it count? I just saw the moments that lead up to the scary part, but didn't actually witness the scariest of the scary.
Who could take away these nightmares.
At school I was good in french. The accent just came naturally, the intonation and everything. This year I was going to learn french, but I was sad because I was going to change schools. The pivotal moments in my life. It was difficult. I wasn't as popular as my old school and what goes around comes around. The teachers were nice, but I had seen some of them before, but I couldn't remember where. I I had one teacher for English and one for French. I tried to be the best student that I could be, but these students were somewhat advanced than I. They had been studying together for a few months before I came, and not to forget all the years they had prior to this year. I moved from being the student who was outspoken many years earlier to becoming a shy student in a new setting and a new environment. Are they better than me? So many questions.
For three years I studied french. It was difficult at first, but eventually it just grows on you. I was an average student, not the best, but I tried really hard to learn and I loved learning more when I was in the moment of really getting and understanding a concept. This is when math was most enjoyable for me, when I was understanding. Math was my most challenging subject, I couldn't think fast enough with numbers, but if you gave me music, I could memorize it to the tee and even add in my own creative flair. I was a great athlete. French was now secondary for me. My teachers were encouraging very encouraging. I can't remember when, which year, but I had a moment sitting in class. It hit me. It was like deja vu I thought. I looked at my teacher. My eyes examined her clothes, I looked at the classroom,the whole setting, my eyes returned back to my teacher's face. I knew I had seen her. I dreamt of this moment! A year, two years earlier, I can't remember when, but I was more certain she was in my dreams. The same moment I had dreamt about we were role playing it now. I said the same thing, she said the same thing, she's wearing the same clothes, that is where I had seen her before...in my dreams. I didn't say anything and soon I would come to realize that years later some faces, situations, settings would be something familiar from my dreams, but somewhere between graduating from elementary school and highschool I don't recall such a real moment as this. I would have dreams, no longer scary nightmares, but the dreams were very short and meaningless I thought,but it didn't become real until I had one of those deja vu moments, I'm guessing once every 4 or 5 years. I didn't pay attention to time. What could have seem like many years ago could have really been 1 year ago. As a highschool student the teenage life seems to have its own agenda. I didn't write stories as music only songs. I would hear somebody say something, read a sentence in a magazine a textbook and a whole set of thoughts would run through my head. I would run quickly to find pen and paper and rhymes, lyrics would flow. I would focus much attention on completing it before doing anything else for the day. In the night I can't remember dreaming, but I remember waking up in the middle of the night to write. I didn't understand it. I wish I could find those papers again and read them through. I would write whatever came to mind, words, lyrics, scripture verses. I had so many loose sheets of papers my desk couldn't contain them. Underneath my mattress was a backspring. This became the storage place for my works. It was easier in the night to write my idea and push it underneath my matress between the mattress and my backspring. I wrote many poems, I wrote many songs, simple songs, simple choruses. I didn't understand it all, but it didn't matter at that time as long as I was writing and storing it. I didn't read as much.
My highschool years, had seen me take more of an interest in writing poetry and music. Music became even more prevalent in my life. Studying and regaining limited popularity within my own group of friends took more of a priority. Jesus, I should have focused more on you. There were many times I came back on track with you, but then I got distracted.
Certain moments in my life would feel recognizable, like I had relived this situation, but I didn't pay much attention. I would only write more about the feelings that accompanied this new teenage life and sometimes my longing of more communication with you. I had a flashback to my earlier days.
Sunday mornings had been spent in front of the television, skipping through tv church services, fundraising telethons and sometimes cartoons. One morning my mother was going to church and she took me with her. Father slept in bed. I was entertained for sure. The choir performed they were good. They talked about Jesus. The church was full. There were so many sisters and brothers. " Hi sister..." "Hi brother.." were common greetings exchanged. Sisters and brothers in Christ. "I'm hungry" I whispered to my mother. "We will leave soon she promised." The service was long, but there were many people, many children. I was too shy for the Sunday school, but the atmosphere felt like home. Everyone was so happy.
Father came to church one Sunday. He returned for the evening service. Later on I will share his testimony, but pretty much sooner than later as a young child (grade 4 or 5) I began to attend church more regularly. Pretty soon I was baptized. It was different in elementary school, I am sure my teacher questioned my faith. Most of my comments during our religion class would reiterate deep comments about Jesus. I remember on a public bus trying to discuss the Bible with a lady. I had much more zeal.
Now in highschool, Jesus what happened to our relationship. I wanted it back, but I also wanted to live like everyone else, but you can't serve two masters at once right? Sometimes my own lyrics would witness to me. I didn't understand it. I loved music and I would easily be captured and convinced by the instrumentals much before even listening to the lyrics. One of my biggest mistakes. I learnt that what I listen to, watch, read, they all influence my thoughts about life. I should have spent more time focused on you than focused on other distractions. It would take a miracle to draw us back together. Sometimes we get so deep into something that we don't even know we are far away from what we truly need.
Many years would come and go, many hardships, many thoughts, many feelings written on paper. I would have never thought that you would provide many more opportunities and much more grace. Wow!
To be continued-
"One thing I have desired of the Lord,
That will I seek:
That I may fdwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,
To behold the 2beauty of the Lord,
And to inquire in His temple."
(Psalm 27:4)
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