Change started within the heart and with each individual coming to the realization that everyone is born a sinner. I know this realization may be a wide gap for some people to bridge, but during my first year as a full time employee I began to turn my attention to this realization. Later I will discuss this perhaps more in detail.
All these years I knew the truth about You, the irony was that I even attended Bible classes. I guess the motivation to succeed was prevalent in my life, but the desire and passion to wean myself off of the baby milk and graduate to eating solid food by deepening my relationship with You was put on the back burner. I was always either too busy or involving myself in different projects focused on making myself more resourceful and successful. I lost all focus on You.
I had it all wrong. I had it backwards. It took me quite a few years to realize that I was relying on my own strength, my own limited power and resources to get me further ahead in life. I was trying to do what every normal graduate does, compete for possession and a direction in life and I didn't even have a clear direction of where I wanted to be.
Looking back maybe I was a bit impulsive. I was always running around trying to take hold of any opportunity. As an ex-coworker once told me I guess I had ants in my pants and I wanted to do everything at once. This was what I confused for success.
I realized later on that I was called to live a life focused on You. The first year as a full time employee I was hired to work at a community program. It was for a non profit organization. The pay wasn't great, definately not the best pay for a graduate, but the need to find something quick to begin paying off some loans eventually determined my decision to take on the job. The centre had a beautiful mural that was attractive from the outside. The upstairs had a nice office setting and a computer and telephone just for me. I always wanted my own office.
The children that I would be working with seemed alright at first glance. The working hours I automatically knew were awful. I would have to work a split shift. The program would be a before and afterschool program which meant I would work the morning, have the afternoon to rest and then work the late afternoon shift until evening. It didn't make any sense. I lived too far away from this place, but I needed a job quickly. At that time I was completing some courses for an academic program. It seemed like the perfect solution: work on my school work during the split shift and then resume my employment duties in the late afternoon. "I think I can manage this job just until I find something else Lord."
It wouldn't be long until the demands and the challenges that I would have to face hit me hard. Oh, the many times I wanted to leave. I knew I wasn't suppose to be here. This was not for me Jesus, but I had to hang in there. I met wonderful people and my boss was Christian. She was one of the best human role models that I met until this day. She turned the program from looking like rags to looking beyond riches, but I knew deep inside that I wanted to leave:"How much longer Lord." I know that when they asked me how long I wanted to commit I said a year, but it was not even a year yet and all of my developmental domains were curling up and dying. I needed to get out of here.
It was here where I learned my first life lesson on commitment and following through on my word, despite the circumstances.
3 to 4 months later, the small office room became my closet of communication with You. I wasn't working on school work much now and so I had free time to search the internet for volunteering opportunities. However, I found myself listening to sermons: http://www.oneplace.com/. When there was no one around I would stay in the small office room, listening to sermon after sermon. It was during this time when I realized I wanted to know You better than I had known You now. I wanted to revive the same zeal I had in seeking for Him years earlier as a litttle child.
I realized that my growing up experiences , adolescence and entrance into the young adult life stages saw me place meaningless priorties ahead of You. What a mistake! I thought about my life and the many hardships that You had always turned around for Your glory. Even in my most saddest moments I saw Your grace and protection over my life. I began to listen to sermons and pray in that little room during my split shift. Sometimes I would take little naps, but it was in this position that provided me with more opportunity and time (in what would seem like a job that wasted time) for me to seek You, Jesus and try to learn about You better.
To be continued-
"One thing I have desired of the Lord,
That will I seek:
That I may fdwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,
To behold the 2beauty of the Lord,
And to inquire in His temple."
(Psalm 27:4)
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