Dear Jesus

I went to the morning church service today and the pastor shared a message on obedience.   The message spoke to me. I have been disobedient, and many times I know I have done things my way. I am listening to a radio broadcast now and the pastor is saying the same message that I heard this morning. I watched the video of Jeremiah yesterday and I was reading a book on the train today both pointing to the same message. The main message I get from this morning's service, the radio broadcast and the book is that I need repentance.

"The saving faith includes calling people to repentance. It is inherent in believing and believing is inherent in repentance. Repentance is turning from sin towards God."

I need to be humbled and I repent. Many times I came to YOU for awhile and then turned back to my own foolish ways of thinking and doing what worked best for me. Was I really repentant? Was I really sorry or just overcome by emotions?

I get it now. So clearly. YOU died for my sins. My sins put YOU on the cross. Without YOU there is no grace or mercy. Without YOU I and the rest of humanity would have got what we deserve: the wrath of God, but because of YOU, I have hope and something to live for: YOU.
I just want to live for YOU. I just want to share the hope that YOU give me with others, to reassure them there really is more to life than getting caught up with living for the world, most importantly the decision they make in this life will affect their eternity.

Forgive me for the pride I showed, for not forgiving others, for turning my back on you countless times. Sorry for the lies, selfishness, all the violations I commited against YOU, I forsake all these now and fully turn and devote my life to YOU. Yes, it is amazing how YOU can reason with a sinner and though my sins are as scarlet, YOU offer to make them as  white as snow. I thank you that YOU hear me and forgive my sins. I am ready for this new life. I can't do anything on my own, God YOU even grant the gift of repentance. YOU brought this realization. YOU opened my eyes and my heart.

The radio broadcast that I am listening too shared the following truths with me:

The three elements of repentance:
Turning to God
Turning from evil
Turning to serve God


There are 2 types of people:
People who pretend to be obedient but are rebels in their heart
People who begin as rebels but repent

There is no salvation apart from repentance.

Jesus, I wholly devote my life to YOU. Your desire is my desire and your will is my will. Life would be miserable without YOU.

Dear Jesus

Today was a busy day for me I had to run a few errands, meet up with a friend who will be travelling back home soon, and I also had to pay some bills. My plans for the day were somewhat distrupted by the few tasks that I had to take care of today, but I am happy that I was able to stick to one of my habit goals: to follow through on my word and meet up with my friend. I had to wake up quite early in the morning and although my body really did not feel like it, I kept thinking "follow through"

I just woke up from a three hour late evening nap. I think it was from all that walking around  in the morning. In my sleep I wrestled with thoughts of YOU. Actually the words I kept thinking is I want to love YOU more...I want to be lost in your love and not find my way back home from here...Your love excites me, your love confuses me. I thought maybe I can revise these words and use them for a song. I am not sure.

I know for sure that I haven`t been living up to the full potential that you perhaps have called me too. I am determined to change, but determination means nothing if there is no change. I am going to try harder, but one of the lessons you have taught me is that I can`t do anything in my own strength. I need you in everything. My prayer is that you give me the strength and desire to follow through not only with everyday commitments in this life, but my biggest commitment to serve YOU. I just want to take all the determination in me and put it into action. I want to stay focused and not lose sight of why I live and my life`s purpose: to glorify YOU. The scripture says that the chief end of man is to glorify YOU and to enjoy YOU forever. David even said I was happy when they said to me let us go into the house of the Lord. I want YOU to be the first thing I think about it in the morning, the last thing I think about in the night, everything I think about during the day. I want my wants to be my only desire that I live for.

Dear Jesus

I woke up this morning a little later than expected. I think I am beginning to recover from my cold. This week will mark my first year anniversary living in my new apartment and away from most of my family and friends. You know that this year has been filled with many trials and new experiences, and many life lessons. I am so thankful that I was able to make it through this year. You specifically showed me that I need to trust you more and learn how to love others the way you command us to love and to forgive the way you command us to forgive. I am working on my behaviors, attitudes and habits and I find myself trying to be more organized everyday. This year, the Lord spare my life, and if the Lord wills I plan to work more on the music ministry that you have blessed me with: songwriting. I hope I make You proud in everything I do.

Dear Jesus

I just love waking up to the hot sun peeking through my window. I love it. It reminds me a little about my childhood days. I loved playing outside in the drive way and skipping in the front yard. I loved running to the fence in my backyard to speak with one of my neighbours. I loved most of my childhood moments. I loved pretending to dig for treasure in my backyard, or taking our parrott outside underneath the apple tree and reading books under the apple tree until the sun went down. I loved playing baseball and riding my bike to the park. If I could do it all over again, I would relive my most enjoyable childhood moments.

Now, many years later I am still very much dependent on YOU, but trying to figure out what next? Everyone has a purpose no matter how purposeful they may feel so what purpose can I serve?

Yesterday I wrote about some resolutions to try to do as much as I can for YOU with the time YOU bless me with. I feel that as I look back on my experiences I have not always been diligent or quite wise when it comes to using my time wisely. Even today, I had drafted a mental plan of what I needed to do then distracted myself by trying on outfits in my closet, and for no purpose. These little distractions are what often consume my time, so I am happy that I am now aware of it and can work towards redirecting any distractions.

Yesterday I visited a young man who was leaving to travel abroad. He said that he wanted to visit Europe and explore the country. He was sellling some odds and ends before his departure. I bought a nice fan for the hot summers. I listened to him as he talked about his interest in photography, his passion to learn languages and to travel. He had a great idea to take a picture each day of something that makes him smile.

Jesus YOU make me smile. Even when I am so frustrated, upset, something about YOUR words that touch my heart and make it come to life again. I want to know YOU more and to know YOU all the days of my life. Each day I want to discover something new about YOU. Some days I wake up and I just dont feel lilke doing anything...I cant describe the feeling, but YOU know it

I am quite excited that I can write to YOU, which is my way of talking more to YOU each day. I want to get to that place in my life where I am thinking about YOU 24/7. Love. I want to love YOU more and more. This is my desire.

Dear Jesus

A few days ago I was quite down. I guess I was a bit disappointed in myself and not quite understanding why things were the way they were. For the first time I really felt more of the pressure that comes from  letting others and myself down and with no excuses attached. I felt somewhat excluded not being wanted.
 I want to do my best to be of service to You and  to please You better. I know in my life there have been times that I have lived for myself and didnt even give the slightest thought about You. I guess I got caught up with living life by the world standards: One life to live so enjoy it while you can. I can't believe that only a few years ago I was constantly worrying about how to compete for power and position, to get the best job so that I could eagerly save up one day, maybe for a nice house. I mean there is nothing wrong with having a nice house someday, but when all my time and energy was consumed with living and saving for the future, there was no time for me to consider my relationship with you. I lived each day yes knowing you, but not really "knowing" you". I was disappointed in myself I guess because I know where  YOU have brought me from since my days as a little girl. I know the level of trust and communication I once had with YOU, the silent prayers, the diaries and personal songs for YOU and I want it back.


I have made a very important decision: to make YOU my ONE desire. All my other desires and hopes I put on the backburner. It is quite difficult to  do, but I trust that as I begin to learn who YOU are more and more and as our relationship grows deeper and deeper that the other desires I once held if they are pleasing to YOU that YOU will grant them to me.

Some of the attitudes and habits I need to work on:
1) Punctuality- Sometimes I strive just to be on time and sometimes I do make it just on time, other times I am late. I want to make sure that I am always early. I think about the parable of the bridesmaids and those that returned back to get more oil for their lamp and as they turned back You came for the ones that were waiting. I know this is not about a parable of punctuality, but I relate it to my punctuality in terms of having more than enough time to consider whether I have everything in order.

2) Organization-Order is all about being organized. I want to ensure that I have everything in order and I am organized so that I can eliminate unneccessary worries. Sometimes I start out organized and somewhere along I get thrown off schedule. It is a good feeling when I am organized knowing where things are and what I need to do when I need to do it.

3) Satisfy- I don't know when the unsatisfaction crept upon me perhaps maybe within my latter childhood days. My mother would remind me to learn to be satisfied with what I had and don't always look at what others have. My father's biblical explanation was that God gives us what we need when the time is right.
Being somewhat of a cheapskate, I tried to save all the time and therefore always lived off of mental budgets, but as soon as I wiped out one of my biggest loans I automatically began to spend on clothes and things that I really didnt need, just because it was a good price and didn't have to worry much about paying off debts, but I realized some of my decisions were quite foolish.

Now, I have put myself back on a budget. No more clothes shopping. I realize that even for the fatherless and widowless YOU provide and some are satisfied with just recieving their daily bread. Life is not about collecting the latest fashions for me. I could better invest the money into working for YOU, perhaps a skill I would like to develop to serve YOU in an area of ministry: music.

3) Keep my word- I am learning little by little to keep my word. Any promise I make I want to follow it through. JesusYOU promised that YOU would never leave me or forsake me, and even during times where I questioned your presence, YOU gave me a word, a song, a thought, a confirmation. YOU promised that YOU have gone to prepare a place for us and in your father's house are many mansions.YOU said that if it were not so, YOU would not have told me and likewise if I dont want to say anything or make a promise that I can't keep toYOU or others. I will be a person of my word, and if I know I am unable to do something for someone then I just won't promise it. My father said you must be a person of your word. A mother once told me that she learned you should never break your promises (especially) to two groups of people: children and seniors. I don't want to break my promises to anyone.

4) Stay on schedule- Even today I gave myself  a time frame to be finished this, but I have yet to finish. I want to stay on schedule as best as I can. I believe one of my biggest reasons for not staying on schedule is because I sometimes procrastinate.

5) No more procrastination-This is very important to me and for my relationship with YOU. I sometimes feel like there is not enough time, but yet with the time that YOU give to me I procrastinate and put things off and instead use the time foolishly. Not anymore. I don't want to say NO to YOU or WAIT until I am ready. I know your time is the best time and so if there is something to be done, I will not wait the last minute to do it.

There is alot more that I need to work on for now. The Lord wills me to see tomorrow, I will continue them tomorrow. Writing for me is like a Prayer to YOU each time I write. Please intensify my desire to serve YOU each day as best as I can.

Dear Jesus

You are so good to me.  It is true that your mercies are new every morning. I decided that this year is a new year and I want to get to know you better than I know you now. I want to never be satisfied with my love for you. I never want to return to state of complacency or being satisfied with my relationship with you. I realized that I have taken you for granted in many areas of my life. I had not made you Lord of my life. I relied on you when times were difficult and as soon as you lifted the burden from off my shoulders I slowly regressed into living for myself. Well, I realized that my ways and thinking need to change. I will live to make you happy,  I live for you. I understand now what it means to lose my life in this life (to live for you) and put my selfish desires to rest, but I hold onto the everlasting hope that you give. I love you Jesus.

Dear Jesus

I am working on my relationship with you. I am learning how to love you more. I didn't really have a clear picture of what it meant to love you with all my heart, mind and soul. You know that this has been my area of struggle in our relationship. I lost much time with you because I failed to communicate with you as I should.

On Sunday nights, I sat in the front row pews listening to sisters and brothers in Christ stand up and share their testimonies with others. Tear filled testimonies of coming out of a cruel world into Jesus arms really shook me, but I was a bit sad: everyone had a powerful testimony to share of how YOU had been clearly working in their lives. Their testimonies were so interesting. I wondered how cruel the world could be. I had been sheltered from the world and although I had my own personal testimonies it was nothing compared to others. I wanted to experience the world for myself . It wasn't my intention to change my whole mindset. Like the prodigal's son I laid my eyes on the world. I wanted to get the first hand experience. I wanted to experience the world for myself and draw my own comparisons and conclusions. I wanted to have a powerful testimony as others. I always heard in my childhood that if you play with fire you get burned. I would come to learn that it is much harder to leave your first love and try to return than coming to know your first love for the first time.


I think back on something a co worker told me "I wanted to find something to dedicate my life too."  In highschool this was the philosophy that I lived my life by, trying to look for injustices that I could dedicate my teenage life too. I grew up in a community that saw its share of youth violence. The face of young kids dying as victims to violence caught my attention and I wanted to address it. I had so many thoughts and ideas of how to get youth involved in second chance programs.

 I was so oblivious to the fact that I couldn't completely wipe out the apparent issues in my community. I think back now and see I could only temporarily stabilize an issue until it was ready to resurface again and again, but back then I had the attitude and determination that I could eliminate it.  I needed to look at the larger issue at hand: the humna heart. I had invested much time  on how I could address the physical problems and not the spiritual.

The Bible states that we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against spiritual wickedness.

It was probably in my senior year of elementary school or freshman year of highschool that I decided that listening to Christian music could suffice for renewing my mind and refreshing our relationship. What a terrible mistake! If I could go back, I promise I would take it back, take that decision to replace your word with Christian songs, books, programs and all those other activities I thought could suffice for your word. I lost you and when I lost sight of you and my focus on the only thing that could provide stability in my life and an example by which I could live by, I began to trust other values, views, ideas to shape me as an individual. I needed you. I was searching and trying to find what I had already had. In highschool, I for a moment got caught up with the idea of promoting social justice especially in the area of raising awareness on some of the issues in my community. I wanted to raise awareness on youth violence, I wanted to connect with the youth in the community. I wanted to make a change. I was all over the place.  I knew that I loved music and writing I knew that I could put myself in other people's shoes and  as a way to write with emotion and passion, I had creative ideas.I wanted to make a difference, but as that young naive adolescent I wanted to make a difference on my own terms. My mind was so far from having to do anything with you.

I am working on my salvation with fear and trembling.

I think back on my life and I realize that you were always there, even when you were the last thing I was thinking about you were there.