Dear Jesus

I am working on my relationship with you. I am learning how to love you more. I didn't really have a clear picture of what it meant to love you with all my heart, mind and soul. You know that this has been my area of struggle in our relationship. I lost much time with you because I failed to communicate with you as I should.

On Sunday nights, I sat in the front row pews listening to sisters and brothers in Christ stand up and share their testimonies with others. Tear filled testimonies of coming out of a cruel world into Jesus arms really shook me, but I was a bit sad: everyone had a powerful testimony to share of how YOU had been clearly working in their lives. Their testimonies were so interesting. I wondered how cruel the world could be. I had been sheltered from the world and although I had my own personal testimonies it was nothing compared to others. I wanted to experience the world for myself . It wasn't my intention to change my whole mindset. Like the prodigal's son I laid my eyes on the world. I wanted to get the first hand experience. I wanted to experience the world for myself and draw my own comparisons and conclusions. I wanted to have a powerful testimony as others. I always heard in my childhood that if you play with fire you get burned. I would come to learn that it is much harder to leave your first love and try to return than coming to know your first love for the first time.


I think back on something a co worker told me "I wanted to find something to dedicate my life too."  In highschool this was the philosophy that I lived my life by, trying to look for injustices that I could dedicate my teenage life too. I grew up in a community that saw its share of youth violence. The face of young kids dying as victims to violence caught my attention and I wanted to address it. I had so many thoughts and ideas of how to get youth involved in second chance programs.

 I was so oblivious to the fact that I couldn't completely wipe out the apparent issues in my community. I think back now and see I could only temporarily stabilize an issue until it was ready to resurface again and again, but back then I had the attitude and determination that I could eliminate it.  I needed to look at the larger issue at hand: the humna heart. I had invested much time  on how I could address the physical problems and not the spiritual.

The Bible states that we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against spiritual wickedness.

It was probably in my senior year of elementary school or freshman year of highschool that I decided that listening to Christian music could suffice for renewing my mind and refreshing our relationship. What a terrible mistake! If I could go back, I promise I would take it back, take that decision to replace your word with Christian songs, books, programs and all those other activities I thought could suffice for your word. I lost you and when I lost sight of you and my focus on the only thing that could provide stability in my life and an example by which I could live by, I began to trust other values, views, ideas to shape me as an individual. I needed you. I was searching and trying to find what I had already had. In highschool, I for a moment got caught up with the idea of promoting social justice especially in the area of raising awareness on some of the issues in my community. I wanted to raise awareness on youth violence, I wanted to connect with the youth in the community. I wanted to make a change. I was all over the place.  I knew that I loved music and writing I knew that I could put myself in other people's shoes and  as a way to write with emotion and passion, I had creative ideas.I wanted to make a difference, but as that young naive adolescent I wanted to make a difference on my own terms. My mind was so far from having to do anything with you.

I am working on my salvation with fear and trembling.

I think back on my life and I realize that you were always there, even when you were the last thing I was thinking about you were there.