Dear Jesus

A few days ago I was quite down. I guess I was a bit disappointed in myself and not quite understanding why things were the way they were. For the first time I really felt more of the pressure that comes from  letting others and myself down and with no excuses attached. I felt somewhat excluded not being wanted.
 I want to do my best to be of service to You and  to please You better. I know in my life there have been times that I have lived for myself and didnt even give the slightest thought about You. I guess I got caught up with living life by the world standards: One life to live so enjoy it while you can. I can't believe that only a few years ago I was constantly worrying about how to compete for power and position, to get the best job so that I could eagerly save up one day, maybe for a nice house. I mean there is nothing wrong with having a nice house someday, but when all my time and energy was consumed with living and saving for the future, there was no time for me to consider my relationship with you. I lived each day yes knowing you, but not really "knowing" you". I was disappointed in myself I guess because I know where  YOU have brought me from since my days as a little girl. I know the level of trust and communication I once had with YOU, the silent prayers, the diaries and personal songs for YOU and I want it back.


I have made a very important decision: to make YOU my ONE desire. All my other desires and hopes I put on the backburner. It is quite difficult to  do, but I trust that as I begin to learn who YOU are more and more and as our relationship grows deeper and deeper that the other desires I once held if they are pleasing to YOU that YOU will grant them to me.

Some of the attitudes and habits I need to work on:
1) Punctuality- Sometimes I strive just to be on time and sometimes I do make it just on time, other times I am late. I want to make sure that I am always early. I think about the parable of the bridesmaids and those that returned back to get more oil for their lamp and as they turned back You came for the ones that were waiting. I know this is not about a parable of punctuality, but I relate it to my punctuality in terms of having more than enough time to consider whether I have everything in order.

2) Organization-Order is all about being organized. I want to ensure that I have everything in order and I am organized so that I can eliminate unneccessary worries. Sometimes I start out organized and somewhere along I get thrown off schedule. It is a good feeling when I am organized knowing where things are and what I need to do when I need to do it.

3) Satisfy- I don't know when the unsatisfaction crept upon me perhaps maybe within my latter childhood days. My mother would remind me to learn to be satisfied with what I had and don't always look at what others have. My father's biblical explanation was that God gives us what we need when the time is right.
Being somewhat of a cheapskate, I tried to save all the time and therefore always lived off of mental budgets, but as soon as I wiped out one of my biggest loans I automatically began to spend on clothes and things that I really didnt need, just because it was a good price and didn't have to worry much about paying off debts, but I realized some of my decisions were quite foolish.

Now, I have put myself back on a budget. No more clothes shopping. I realize that even for the fatherless and widowless YOU provide and some are satisfied with just recieving their daily bread. Life is not about collecting the latest fashions for me. I could better invest the money into working for YOU, perhaps a skill I would like to develop to serve YOU in an area of ministry: music.

3) Keep my word- I am learning little by little to keep my word. Any promise I make I want to follow it through. JesusYOU promised that YOU would never leave me or forsake me, and even during times where I questioned your presence, YOU gave me a word, a song, a thought, a confirmation. YOU promised that YOU have gone to prepare a place for us and in your father's house are many mansions.YOU said that if it were not so, YOU would not have told me and likewise if I dont want to say anything or make a promise that I can't keep toYOU or others. I will be a person of my word, and if I know I am unable to do something for someone then I just won't promise it. My father said you must be a person of your word. A mother once told me that she learned you should never break your promises (especially) to two groups of people: children and seniors. I don't want to break my promises to anyone.

4) Stay on schedule- Even today I gave myself  a time frame to be finished this, but I have yet to finish. I want to stay on schedule as best as I can. I believe one of my biggest reasons for not staying on schedule is because I sometimes procrastinate.

5) No more procrastination-This is very important to me and for my relationship with YOU. I sometimes feel like there is not enough time, but yet with the time that YOU give to me I procrastinate and put things off and instead use the time foolishly. Not anymore. I don't want to say NO to YOU or WAIT until I am ready. I know your time is the best time and so if there is something to be done, I will not wait the last minute to do it.

There is alot more that I need to work on for now. The Lord wills me to see tomorrow, I will continue them tomorrow. Writing for me is like a Prayer to YOU each time I write. Please intensify my desire to serve YOU each day as best as I can.