Merry Christmas...new resolutions for my relationship with you

I have to keep pressing on. I thank you Lord that even in my moments of distress and need you remind me that i have to push on and remain alert. I have to remain and continue in loving you and serving you no matter how bad I feel at times for failing you, for choosing desires and letting my selfishness override at times. I rely on your love and that's what keeps me going. How many times I've slipped away only to run back to you and you are still there. God forgive me! Forgive me living only for myself. God, if you spare my life to see a new year, I continue to hear from the testimonies of those that have already walked my road and who are much older and wiser now. They have also walked with you for many years and the advice I continue to hear is if you could live life all over again and do it all over again, that they would "pray more" and spend more time "reading your word!" 

God, how many times I have set so many goals for my relationship with you only to get caught up with distractions and swayed back and forth because my foundation was not stern. Your word Lord, teach me to value it, read it and love it because i need to live by it. 

I will meditate on it day and night and be renewed.

Give me wisdom, more than learning to fear You. Give me discernment, teach me these things Lord so that my will may be in line with your will and so that when I pray according to your will it will not be according to my own pleasures, but it will be for the things you desire. 

I have so much potential Lord, focus me. 

I have been praying for this young man and the flesh part of me says there is no way this person can change they are too deep in their thoughts and lifestyle, but Lord forgive me...who am I to say who can or who cannot change? Who am I to even doubt the power of prayer? Lord, Change him and use him for your glory. May he experience you. May I experience you more and more. May you bring understanding of your word to him about salvation and to all the others in my particular program. I want them to know that there is a living hope. Show me how to rely on the Holy Spirit so that I may only be satisfied in you. Those who are thirsty or hungry, let them come and taste and see that you Oh Lord, you are good and your mercy and love endures forever and ever. 

I have a few assignments and tasks coming up, Lord I pray that you take control. Spirit move as I write, as I sing, the words you would like people to hear, impress them on my heart. 

I pray for a decision to join a music group for a performance, although the songs are songs of praise the group is a combined group, not really all believers and although I want to encourage unity Lord, I need to be different, and i don`t show I am different when I join a group to show I can be unified, it is not a one time thing, but an everyday thing. I rather use these times to find a quiet place and spend time with you Lord. I just want to love you more, more and more. I want to go deeper in my relationship with you. I heard someone say something about my actions in public is just a surface view of what I do in public. Loving others and not ignoring them despite arguments, loving others because I am reminded how much times I have failed you and you still forgive and love me, loving others because I no longer live for myself is what I desire to do. 

God, help my communication skills too.

What's happening with our world today?

All over the world we can see an outbreak of violence. Isn't is scary? I know the Bible warns of these things that are coming and so for the believer we can easily put things into context, but how about those Lord that are so caught up in the roles of everyday life that they are slightly bothered by the problems in the world or just brush it off as a phase that will slowly pass. I thank God for Jesus. I thank God that there is a living hope. I couldn't even begin to imagine how I desperate and hopeless I would feel if I didn't have my faith in You to lean back on. It's not easy! Trust me and Lord I am sure you know...when everyone else is living the reality and you are stuck here, not perfect, just human like everyone else and constantly being tugged back and forth between living the normal life like everyone else and living life that you have called me to, believing in Jesus and telling everyone else about the provision you made for humanity, that we don't have to be afraid of death, but there is life after death, and eternal life with you, in the presence of God is not based on all the works we did here on earth, but solely on the fact that we believe that Jesus paid the punishment for our sins, the sins of the whole world and because we believe in Jesus we are all justified with eternal life forever.

The prisoner doesn't have to fear if he repents of his or her sin and trust in you.
The celebrity doesn't have to fear because all his riches and money and celebrity status won't get him or her into heaven, but simply faith in Jesus.

I love you Lord and it is difficult at times to live this life. I sometimes toil between walking in the flesh (living the reality) and walking by faith (living the eternal reality). Sometimes I see things and I desire it too, but hearing others' testimonies and their endurance in the faith, encourages me and it uplifts my spirit. I can't wait for what else God has in store for me. 

Commitment, Perseverance and Prayer- How Bad Do you Want Success?

Lord, I'm falling, catch me please. I will persist in prayer, although I feel unclean and unworthy to come before you. Thank you for your grace and mercy, your mercies are new every morning and this my soul knows very well. Yesterday I watched a video of a motivational speaker and some of the things he said were very true...he talked about perseverance and described it as wanting something really bad. It got me thinking: "You are my one desire!" Do I want to experience your love really bad? Do I want to love you and follow you really bad? Do I want to know you better really bad? If so, what am I doing. I brush off prayer sometimes to feed my other desires and appetites,  but I need to understand that prayer is most crucial. I compare myself to others and the things that I should do I don't rather the things that I shouldn't be doing I do. Well, no matter how many times I have to approach your throne Lord, I will come, but I will remember that I can't be presume and use you whenever I feel like.

Lord help my unbelief, kill my flesh and selfish desires, help me to consider others first. I really need a group of Christian friends who can encourage me. I need an accountability partner and team of prayer warriors who can intercede on my behalf when it seems like I can't go on.

Lord I thank you for the visions that you have given to me. I still hold onto the vision of world revival although it seems like the only thing I need right now is to revive myself. Lord restore to me the joy of my salvation. I still believe! And I am holding on! I want to be like Job and though all the hardships in my life weigh me down, though You even slay me, yet will I serve you.

I pray for the person on my mind, who seems really weak and does not have a personal relationship with you. At times I can look at that person and say there is no way, your life is too dirty or you've done too many bad things-that is the human response, but God with you ALL things are possible and you call sinners to repentance. No one is perfect! SIN is not categorized on a scale before you, but sin is sin and we are all guilty, even those that may consider themselves to be more righteous, We are all in need of your grace and mercy and your gift of salvation that comes by FAITH alone in Jesus. I thank you for sending your son to die for everyone and this person too. I pray that you move in this person's heart, reveal yourself to them in your own way. Help me to continuously humble myself and FEAR you, so that my life is pleasing to you. Integrity is what happens in the dark when no one is looking. Father I want to trust you more and I pray over the battle in my mind, sometimes it is so easy to run to people for their perspective on how to solve a problem, but Lord I pray that I would consistently perservere in prayer and bring all my needs, wants, desires, thoughts, before you. May my faith be pleasing to you. Father please forgive me because I have taken my problems to others before coming to you.

As I continue my day remind me of service to others, the time that you have given to me and I pray for more WISDOM in my speech, thinking and most importantly actions. it hank you that you are going to do a marvelous thing and although I can't see it I am resting upon your promises. May I always always always admit when I make mistakes and ask for forgiveness and destroy pride and conceitedness because that is not of you.

I just want to love like you love Lord,that is my full time job. To love not those that love me, but also my enemies and in my loving and my response to others may I cotinue to be focused on one thing planting seeds and the saving of souls.

I thank you for your forgiveness and your love. Amen :)

I try to do right, but sometimes I just mess up...working on my relationship with God

Dear God, 

It feels like I am back at square one. Why can't I walk without slipping? I know now that prayer is life.  Now, that I am challenged with so many relationships, I need to understand how to live out my role in those relationships. The most important one being with you. I know I have been relying on myself lately for everything. I should know by now, my strength can only take me so far and my wisdom compared to yours is folly. It makes no sense trying to rush things because I should know that your time is the perfect time and you are never too late or too early to intercede. 

School is becoming a bit stressful, but I just keep reminding myself that it's only a few months. I feel like I've lost focused on my relationship with you. I keep making mistakes when it comes to my relationship with other people. What is it Lord? What do I need to work on? I know "trust" is important and I trust you to tell you everything because you know it all already, but sometimes with others I put my personal desires and wants before them.

It's difficult. 

Lord help me not to compare, or to fall into the trap where I become worried about my reputation and what other people may or may not think about me. Who cares? 

Lord remind me that it's all about you and not me.
My priority is to work on my relationship with you and everyday pray more, prayer is communication with you and how can a relationship grow without communication.
For every big or small need Lord, I want to take everything to you in prayer. 

Faith

Lord sometimes fears and doubts creep in, but I don't want to RELY on my own reasoning...It always fails me.
Although my flesh is weak and the Spirit is willing, draw me to my knees in prayer. 

Give me wisdom, change my perspective, remind me of your love not only for me, but for the whole world. Remind me of the mission of "saving souls" and redeeming the time, rather than satisfying my fleshly desires.

Lord, you know my needs, help my unbelief, I am trusting you to PROVIDE in YOUR way and in YOUR time. 

Restore my relationships with others, remind me it is not about me.  but about you and other people. 

Change my view of giving, I always think about myself and what I can do for you if I just have this and that ...I always see myself as investing rather than spending...when there is need Lord, and if I can help me to meet that need and not think about saving, it is better to obey than to sacrifice. 

Keep me humble and if I make a mistake help me to admit my wrongdoings, I can't live up to PERFECT because only you are PERFECT. I love you, forgive me for my stubbornness and for not sharing your love with others. I have been disobedient forgive me Lord. 

Lord provide or show me the way you want me to go. Lord in terms of writing, music, relationships, employment...give me the strength and let me follow your lead and not rely on my own works. I love you.

Jesus Keep Me Near The Cross

Relationships! "It's all about relationships!" someone once told me. I agree! The only disappointment is that life becomes a bit confusing and difficult when we don't know how to navigate these relationships.  What makes it difficult is past experiences and if you haven't really had good experiences in a relationship. Growing I use to be quite vibrant, wanting to try out new things and quite the athletic type. My imagination ran wild as a child and if I didn't draw out my thoughts and feelings then I would represent them in a storybook. I loved to write. Relationships came easy for me and I often liked taking the lead on things.

Relationships were easy for me to engage. I wasn't the uncontrollable child, but quite respectful and submissive and so I knew how to perform well for adults and my teachers.
Life was exciting! I lived with my family in a beautiful house with a spacious backyard and I even had an apple tree in my backyard where I would take naps and read under during the summer.

My mother was the backbone of our family. She was the perfect mother. Not only was she stunningly beautiful, but she was a supermom. She could do everything: cook, clean, sew, sing and decorate the house during the special holidays. She was a stay at home and worked the nights. When my siblings and I were school age children and ready to enter school full day then it was time for my mother to trade in her stay at home job for a full time job. God showered down his blessings!

My father was an equally hard worker yet stern in his demeanor and although at times his disciplinary actions felt as if I were in boot camp, I can draw out a little more understanding being an adult now. As a child I was scared to get in trouble for I knew my father's repercussions would not be the best.

Trusting was challenging for me to do half way through my primary school years and onwards, there were too many changes that occurred at home. Stress was definitely a factor in our family and I caved into a little shell of telling all my worries and problems to God.

In a way these problems, uncertainties, moments of feeling unloved brought me closer to God and strengthened my faith so I am thankful even for the obstacles. School was suppose to be my save havenwhere I forgot about all my problems, but instead I felt it was more a place where my difference stood out more. I was not like all the other kids I concluded, they seemed to have everything and my family and I we were just making ends meet and living by faith. I was also a newbie as I changed schools half way through primary school and in this new school during my senior year I was bullied for a little bit, by one girl who just didn't respect me.

Trust, I learned to trust God more and more.

Relationships with the opposite sex was mostly difficult because of my unwavering relationship with my earthly father, heavenly father and other male figures in my life. Forgiveness after forgiveness took a toll on me moving on from high school to college and university and seeing that I had sectioned off apart of my heart. I wanted to guard it and be strong. Over time it's as if I built up some form of resilience, that would allow me to be bold, refuse me to break down and cry and allow me to spring back from mistakes and hurt.

For several years I avoided returning back to my past to forgive my mistakes and those of others. God is good! He showed me that I needed to forgive others just as He forgave me in order to grow in my relationship with Him. I did this! But my response to deal with betrayal or hurt had always been to ignore the person altogether. He is showing me "relationships" is key to winning souls for the kingdom of God and to Humility.

Father develop this humility in me as I surrender myself over to you. I submit to whatever calling it is and your desire not mine, your will be done not mine. Keep me from the evil one, protect my soul, I forgive those who have hurt me and those who will try to. Help me stay focused on your will, that none should perish,but come to have eternal life, which is in your Son Christ Jesus. Amen :)

Prayer of Restoration

God is good! His holiness reminds me of just how sinful I am and always ALWAYS in  need of more grace and mercy. I can't begin to imagine how I could live life without knowing the giver of peace, love and total satisfaction. Sometimes though, more times I relentlessly forget about seeking Him during my difficult times and as the past so thought perfectionist I once thought myself to be I rely on my own works, my own thoughts and try to solve problems through my intellectual reasoning and wishful thinking, but things never seem to go well. 

Time after time, I am reminded to wait upon the Lord and approach God in prayer. After my latest experience of shutting myself down, ignoring someone I really wanted to witness to and missing opportunities to share my faith with others because I was so distracted by a few other individuals, I've learned that I have to PUT GOD FIRST in everything, in the smallest problem, in the biggest problem, when things are going great, when things are going bad and even when I find myself hurting so much that I don't have any words to express how I feel. PUT GOD FIRST!

So what now? I feel completely helpless and hopeless when I hurt someone because I fail to trust God and take things in my own hands. I have a bad behavior of avoiding and ignoring people, when I am trusting in myself and my own efforts to take care of things and don't really know how to deal with it. Ignoring has often helped me to not deal with things, but it also gives me an excuse for not admitting my sins before God.

At times I ignore because I know dealing with someone or some particular situation will make me more vulnerable and it becomes a power struggle of letting my guard down or remaining my guard up so that I control my own wants and desires and don't get hurt in the process of doing so.

The Christian life is a constant battle but thank God He has already won the victory. For me it's my flesh wanting to fulfill the earthly desires, my own self happiness, wants and needs and I know if I even give but a second of provision for it the temptations of life can really blurry my Heavenly vision. The Spirit wants to tell everyone that there is more to life than empty pleasure, through faith in Jesus we can live a life more abundant and after this life we won't have to fear the penalties of death or being judged on our works because let's face it, there is nothing I or anyone else can do that can ERASE my sins, but the Bible says that God knows this and so He sent Jesus as a sacrifice to die for our sins, that we whoever believes in Jesus will be saved. I believe this! 

When I mess up, although the guilt of my mistakes and thoughts of how I could have done things differently flood my mind, I am reminded of God's grace and mercy and His forgiveness and so likewise I trust God and move on. It's going to be difficult to move on and even in my current situation, I trust that all I can do now is pray for this person and that he may come to know the love, forgiveness and peace in Jesus. Yes, I know there is no problem too big for God to take care of and He can move the hearts of stone and repair hurting hearts.

Short post

Sometimes I get caught up in wishing that life was much easier to decipher.I wish that my fleshly desires, wants and selfish ambitions for love and respect would never tempt me. Right now, I want something that seems good, it seems right, but I know that if God is not central then there is no point. I need to be able to grow in my personal relationship with God. Instead it seems like I have to retreat to a quiet place, forget about what could be and focus on loving you Lord and telling others about you. Lord I choose you, you have the words of life and I can't and won't change you for anything or anyone.

Yesterday I met a man

who took time to share his story with me and others about his life. Lord, ever since he was a child he struggled with pain in all shapes and forms. His father was an alcoholic and his mother was addicted to pills/drugs. His brother and his friends often beat him and sexually assaulted him and as a child he had no where to turn. Lord, he loved to sing and so he would sing until he joined a local church choir. There, he met a friend, an older guy who became a mentor and father figure. He was the only one he could really trust, but his world fell apart when that man later raped him. His family found out and too keep from hurting he took all the pills he could find in the house. When he was asleep he didn't have to feel pain and no one could hurt him anymore. When he woke up out of his coma a few days or months later, he was informed in the hospital that his parents had given up custody and signed him over to the state/ward. He had to go to a foster home, where the pain only continued.

He ran away and became homeless living on the streets.

Just before his 18th birthday he was notified that once he turned 18 the ward would not have anything to do with him.

He found his way back home, living with his mom because by then his parents had divorced, his brother had moved out and at 18 he began highschool.

Now he talks to people about homelessness and his ministry to serve the brokenhearted. It really got me thinking Lord, that he places his trust in You. After all the heartaches and pain, the disappointments, violence, being stabbed, tortured, kidnapped, shot at on the  streets he still puts his trust in you.

Yesterday morning, or was it the day before I met this man I had read a passage from Job when Job had found out that he lost everything his possessions and even his own children he stated in the book of Job 1: 21

"Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked shall I return. The LORD gave and he LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." In all this Job did or sin or charge God with wrong.

There are so many things on my mind right now, I know why I am worrying because I haven't been spending much time with YOU, meditating upon your word or getting to know you more. I have taken off my eyes off of you and put away the eternal perspective to focus on the physical immediate concerns. Please forgive me LORD. I want to see with faith again and not revert back to relying on my own strength to do things.

This week I will begin working as a teacher in the school with a Coordinator observing me. Please remind me that my service is a reflection of YOU. I want to serve faithfully as if I am serving you despite the contexts or circumstances. Lord I don't want to focus on the lies of the enemies or the doubts or the voices that say "You Can't" For I know I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me. Most importantly Lord, I want to share the Gospel with whomever you send me too.

I desire to serve you faithfully. I desire to be obedient to you and not give in to my own selfish desires or passions. 

I know I haven't written in awhile

busyness tries to keep me away from you. I am back in university again and as old as I feel I know that you have a plan for my life. I need so many things right now Lord, but you know my needs and those which are necessary to be left unmet so that I can rely on your grace. Your grace is sufficient for me. I am studying really hard to become a good teacher. I know I have a lot to learn and I am nothing compared to other teachers, but I am determined to work hard and help students learn. I am meeting a whole bunch of hungry souls that are searching for answers and I am so thankful Lord that You have placed me in this program. Although the enemy will sometimes try to discourage or whisper doubts, I pray that you never let me forget that my hope is in YOU Lord, my confidence is not in my own abilities, but in YOU. I pray that your vision for justice as in Isaiah will resonate in my heart and be that constant reminder of my mission to share the Gospel. I have so much to tell you, but you already know and Lord forgive me when I fall at times, but I always know that you have the words of life, to who else can I go? I love you deep down inside and I want to grow deeper in love with you everyday. Teach me your word, teach me to serve like you to be more and more like you. Amen!

Back home- A new journey

Thank you Lord for bringing me back home safely. The flight was long and although I had a window seat I didn't really spend much time looking out the windows. I peeked outside my window a few times  and tried to envision Heaven among the clouds. My flight back I kept thinking about the heavenly journey one lady had told me about. A student sat beside me, I would say a university or college student preparing to study abroad, I wondered Lord how I could share the Gospel with him on the flight. He asked to borrow my  pen and I had to ask him to get up when I was taking a washroom break, but besides those minimal conversations we didn't speak much. Arriving at another airport terminal and getting ready to transfer onto my connecting flight this time I sat beside an older gentleman who was really focused on his Ipad applications (Ipad or tablet, I can't say for sure). Lord I wondered if he knew you and although I read my Bible and fell in and out of sleeping (I get really tired on planes) I didn't get to talk to him specifically about you Lord. I need boldness. Lord empower me with boldness. I only want to see souls, lost without you.

Returning back home and back to this environment has been a bit difficult to adjust, just because everything seems different Lord. I am thankful that you have a plan and all though I cannot see it I know you have me here for a reason. I am thankful that you are changing my mind about "work" and all "work" is an opportunity to glorify You. As I enter the schools for my practicum, I pray Lord that I will submit my life, attitude, actions and thinking all to you, that you may mold me. I have a lot to learn and characters to develop. Help my faith to endure. 

Yesterday I visited a church for the first time since my flight back and  the pastor talked about the lies that the enemy has spread throughout the world, and it is so strong that people believe it. As Christians if we know the truth that this life is futile and we are created to be in direct fellowship with you Lord and a relationship with you brings about true freedom and also a living hope with you to live again in your presence when we die. 

God I have given into the enemy's lie so many times and I am thankful that you showed me a relationship with you is walked with a Spirit filled life. I need to always be filled with the Spirit. Jesus everyday will be a great day because it is a day to serve you Lord. 

I was listening to Adrian Rogers (Integrity: Don't Leave Home without it) and Jack Graham (message on faith) and it was interesting that they both touched on integrity and "work" I have been out of work for the past 6 months and now I am ready to get back into the swing of things and while I was out of work I tried to serve more in ministries, but I realized the serving was futile without restoring my relationship with you. While getting to know you better I had my up and down moments, many moments of awareness of your love for me and my wretchedness as a sinner with futile works that could never be good enough. I really learned more and also that I am always a missionary whether I am on the field full time or working flipping burgers in a restaurant. No job is insignificant, God you place people where they are as you unfold your plans. As a believer in Christ nothing is just random. 

I am sorry for whining, complaining about my past jobs, not developing my character and getting caught up in heartless and halfhearted work. God whatever you give me to do I will always do with excellence as I if I am serving you. 

Yesterday I helped a family member paint a house and while in the past I would moan and groan about how difficult it was and even quit halfway through I was more delightful. I want to work and work hard and love even the nature of working because it is a way Lord to witness for you and to be obedient to You. I love you Lord and what I do I will do for You.

Keep Your Word

I have had trouble speaking too fast, getting caught up in the moment of trying to be pleasing and breaking my word rather than keeping it. Father forgive me. Sometimes I generally forget, other times I am too busy and out of inconvenience place other priorities above my word. I repent Lord and today I will make a change. I promise not to make a commitment Lord that I cannot fulfill, I want to be reliable to others and follow through. I know that there are times where there will be unfavorable circumstances or mishaps, but in everything as much as is within me Lord help me to keep my word as you do. Imagine how unstable and untrustworthy is one that can never commit and always apologizing for commitments they couldn't keep. I want to be more like you Jesus and prefer others first in everything. Thank you Lord :)

Lust and Trusting God

Today I listened to the pastor preach a sermon on the destructiveness of lust. It was such an important message for both the women and  men in the congregation. The pastor talked about how people sometimes brush off looking at images that they shouldn't be looking at and listening to or watching certain types of programs thinking that it is simply innocent fun, but if we truly look at such things deeper it has the ability to change and influence our thoughts and actions. Today many men struggle with issues of pornography and a filthy thought life urged on by pictures on the internet, magazines, movies and television shows that continue to flash images of sexual impurity. I listened intently as the pastor shared the testimonies of a few men who admitted to literally being unable to love women as daughters of God or see them as anything, but objects because their consciences and entire thought life had been corrupted with images from magazines, pornographic videos and other images that did not express women in a positive light. 

Personally I never realized that men struggled so much more with lust and that simple images could stir on a whole set of feelings and reactions that could leave them in bondage for seeking more. Today the sermon really made me think about the fight of faith and discipline and self control to do what is right and pleasing to God. Today I thought about the core of discipline in my life centered on hating sin as God hates it. I also realized that this is wisdom, to fear God and to continuously fear sin. 

As a woman I am going to make sure that I dress modestly at all times, especially knowing what I know now and the struggle for men. I want to be pleasing to God and be sure that I help my brothers in Christ and not be a stumbling block in how I dress. God is good, no matter how deep away someone is drawn away with their pornography God is bigger than their problem and He is a good that can change peoples lives from the inside out. Jesus came to save the world from the bondage of sin, including pornography.

Apart from this sermon, I listened to a few others online at oneplace.com and I hear God telling me to be persistent in prayer. I have big visions to see world revival starting with some of the most outreached populations, such as Japan and journeying throughout the world. I have often been a dreamer of goals and visions and sometimes I get discouraged to follow through because at times it does not seem realistic or too far fetched. I am encouraged now that if I am going to walk in this life I must do so by faith and although I do not have all the answers, God is God and He can do anything. feed thousands with a few loaves and fish, make a donkey speak, part the red sea. I am learning now to walk in faith and it is okay to hold onto the visions that God has given me, but to persistently pray that God's will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. 

I am not sure where God will lead me next, but I understand that if I choose to follow Him into unknown ad known avenues, I must deny myself (deny the desires that take away time from God, that make me stumble any desires that affect my personal relationship with God in a negative way) take up my cross and follow Him daily. Sometimes this might mean giving up internet, cable, certain foods in order to not be drawn away from God. In everything I cannot deny my mission to share the Gospel message of God's love and eternal salvation through sending Jesus to die for the sins of the world. Amen!

Revival...Set the captives free Lord

Lord I have been praying for a revival and I often can't stop the thoughts that come to mind. Seeing   souls won for the Kingdom of God. Seeing the poor, the rich, the famous, the forgotten, the unloved, the hurting, the proud, confess that they are sinners longing for a personal relationship with Jesus who foremost loved them that He died to save them from the eternal punishment of their sins.

Everyone is longing for something Lord.  Even the celebrities, the rich and the famous who have all the earthly possessions they could ever want, Lord they are dying inside and more empty just trying to fill the longing and void inside of them. The purpose of life is to have fellowship with Our Creator, Our God.

Lord, I pray for the celebrities because it is easy to look past them isn't it? Why should we pray for them? some may question, they have everything they need, right? True, but the Bible says what shall it profit a man to gain the whole world, bur lose their souls. God I cry aloud! You love them, despite the sin, God you love the sinner. We are all sinners, all equal before you Lord, despite whether we are a king, a  president, a pastor, Lord when we are all guilty of breaking your commandments. Thank you for sending your Son Jesus to die for the sins of the world, for dying not only for my sins, but for that drug addict's sin, for that prisoner's sin, for that multi millionaire's sin, for that beggar's sin, you died for everyone.

We were created to have fellowship with you, but because of sin, sin separates us from you, but thank you you made a way back to you, a way back to having fellowship with you and fulfilling the longing in every human's heart "to know you." Thank you for not only restoring the opportunity to know you and be satisfied with life on this earth, but for also eliminating the eternal penalty of dying in our sins, by sending Jesus who is now an advocate for all those that believe that He came to die for their sins and through Him is the redemption of sins.

Now when I stand before God, I don't have to try and explain my wrap sheet of good and bad works, hoping that my good works will outcast the bad. Not even my best works could take away my sin, but because Jesus sacrificed His life on the cross for my sins and the sins of the world, I will die a sinner and admit to God that I know I am a sinner and nothing I did on earth could ever take away my sins, but I trust in Jesus who He gave as a provision for my sins and because I put my faith in the saving work  that Jesus did for me on the cross, I am justified by faith in Jesus  Christ and God forgets my sins.

Living a life on earth without trying to satisfy an inner longing with money, clothes, relationships, material things is FREEDOM, but there will be those who get caught up in this web and only feel worse than they started, emptier. Lord I pray for them and that they will encounter YOU. Try you, taste and see that the Lord is good and the His mercy endures forever.

I pray against the schemes of the enemy that will try to distract people from thinking about you or throw doubts in the minds of people. Lord I pray for a revival and for Christians to take a stand for you and not be sidetracked with disputes. There is strength in unity.

We are fighting a spiritual battle for souls and I want everyone to know eternal life exists and FREEDOM from bondage exists when we put our trust in Jesus. Amen!

The Gospel

Yesterday I went for coffee with a friend. It had been awhile since I had seen my friend and so we took time to catch up. I also had an opportunity to share the Gospel with her, but Lord I pray that I will continue to be persistent not through my own strength, but through the strength of the Holy Spirit. I pray Lord that I will persists to have the same mind that Christ had and that I don't become complacent for one second in my faith, even when the temptation is so strong to be distracted that I draw nearer to you even more during this time. Lord I pray for my friend, I pray for her faith Lord that she will think about what we discussed yesterday and Lord that you will make the Gospel even more clear to her. You love her Lord as you love the whole world and it is not your will that anyone should perish, but  that all should come to repentance and accept salvation that is found in You and You alone. I pray Lord for my walk with you. I am sorry that at times I have been complacent and have compromised. I have fallen into the temptation of distractions and turning my attention to other things, not focusing on planting seeds in the lives of hurting and desperate people. On my way home yesterday, I passed a woman who sat on a bench outside of her apartment sobbing into her phone. Lord there are so many people that have problems, that are relying on their own good works and efforts even achievements to fulfill the longing inside of them, but God we were created (human beings) to have fellowship with you and unless we come into fellowship we will always be seeking for fulfillment in things that cannot satisfy. I pray for her soul, I pray Lord that you will have someone come and share the Gospel with her, how much you love her and that forgiveness is found in you. Lord you can change her life around, only you, shift her perspective. After this life,  creation (human beings) will have to give a report to the Creator (God), including the sins that we have committed, even as small as a lie...sin is sin. However, although sin may be categorized by us human beings as one sin being worse than another (murder worse than lying) to God who is HOLY sin is sin and it is all the same. The Bible likens lust to adultery and although as human beings we justify one sin being worse than another because of the human standards we compare it too, it is all sin to God and sin must be banished. I may see apples and categorize them saying these are big apples and these are small apples, but at the end of the day they are all apples. All sin must be punished...God is a God of love, but God also demands justice. If this is so, that means as human beings since everyone sins, we would also face eternal punishment once we died, BUT THANK GOD that He sent Jesus to die for our sins. God loved us so much that He sent His only begotten Son and the Bible says if we confess our sins and believe in our heart Jesus died for our sins and repent, then we shall be saved. So now we are justified by our faith in Jesus Christ. Standing before God, I don't have to rely on all my good works...."Yes I am a sinner God, but look at all the good works I have done, surely I made up for all the sins I committed..." Now I can say " Yes, I committed sins, I know I am a sinner (small or great), but I put my faith in Jesus as Your word says, I know all my good works can never justify my sins, but my faith in Jesus does and because I trust Jesus and the fact that He died for me and the sins of the whole world on the cross, His righteousness is imputed onto me...I am saved! Jesus is my advocate!

Lord thank you! It is not easy imitating you and your love for others in a world that is all about competition and self seeking, but because my hope is in you I am willing to deny myself and follow you until you call me home. Work reallllllllllly hard and share the Gospel that is able to save people's souls. Eternity is forever! I desire to see world revival and people coming to you. Lord break my pride, I only want to be proud of You. Lord as my flesh wars against me to do what it feels like, remind me of your word. This is a fight! a spiritual battle and as we walk around this earth, we can't see visibly that the enemy is always planning..he hates when we try to tell others about you and will do anything to get us to keep our mouths shut. Meanwhile people continue to turn to the things of this world to find love and satisfaction in a boyfriend, girlfriend, money, careers, travels etc, but these only give them temporary pleasures. I desire to see these people just try you Lord and see that you are good and always satisfying. The enemy will continue to deceive them and tell them lies about who you really are. I pray for believers to stand up and pray pray and pray. Lord may your Spirit move, may believers rise up and fearlessly pray and share the Gospel with everyone. May shackles be broken and people's hearts be moved to hear the Gospel and make a choice, a decision to commit their lives to you. Amen and Amen!

My Foundation

I went for a walk. As I walked I asked you Lord to speak to me I wanted to hear you clearly. I was mostly quiet for the entire walk, just praying in my heart. As I began to walk alongside the river I saw stairs by the river, but on the other side of the river. I couldn't cross the river although it would be the quickest way, but in order to get to the other side of the river I had to walk around. Around? That meant at least another 30 to 40 minutes and although I thought "forget about it!" I really wanted to sit on those stairs. I had walked on the same side of the river and always postponed going to the others side. Tonight would be the night! As I walked Lord, I thought about the times that I just gave up, doubted and disappointed you, but I promised you that no matter how hard life is or how tough things get even if I am knocked down and take time to get up, I will keep believing in you, keep holding onto my faith. When I finally made it to the other side of river I sat down on the stairs and listened to the rushing waters, it was amazing to hear its sound knowing that it is not a water tap that humans can turn it off, I marveled how the water close to me stood still but a few centimeters further in it rippled. It took me awhile before I noticed that across the river from where I just walked there were similar stairs....I could have sat there, but I didn't notice that there were stairs. Sometimes we have to go across the river and travel further to see the whole picture. On my walk to the stairs I noticed stars and tried to count them, I think I counted eight. I never really noticed the stars here before. All creation testifies of YOU. Lord you are good and your mercy endures forever. I pray that my faith may endure, Lord I want to stay grounded on You. You are my foundation.      

I plant Lord, but you give the increase...Amen

Yesterday I had planned to do some writing. However as I sat in a coffee shop, I was introduced to a lady. We had begun a conversation of our lives and backgrounds and then touched on the topic of God. She had squirted the question of death and shared that once she dies she believes that she will just fall asleep. My heart sank Lord. As I listened to her, I realized Lord that she was trying to find her identity and that it was as if she neglected your word (the Bible) based on the fact that she had read it and did not agree and that her idea of you Lord was based on what she could intellectualize. I told her that the human standard cannot be compared with a absolute HOLY standard and if so, it would just show us our sinfulness as we are all sinners in need of forgiveness. It was quite difficult to get through to her Lord, especially because she was a wordsmith, in love with reading books and studying frameworks, but God I held onto faith. I know Lord that I can't only tell her, but show her your love. I pray that the Gospel will be translated every so easily in her life and that she will encounter you  and when she does I know she will never be the same again. Lord, I thank you for giving me your peace, not as the world has, but a peace that passes all understanding. I thank you Lord that I may plant a seed, but it is YOU who gives the increase. Jesus you are coming back soon. God thank you for showing me that there is no partiality with YOU. I want to be conformed more into the image of Christ each day, from now on and forever more until you come back for me. 

Live each day like it's your last ....glorify God and tell others the good news

I have been working on preparing some documents for an upcoming church event and I am for the opportunity to serve. However, I want to serve God with humility and to always remember this. I want to serve knowing that I gain nothing, not even recognition...I don't want it! I just want to be able to serve faithfully. Looking at the news today and hearing about so many innocent victims who lost their lives to gun violence, as innocent victims, bystanders attending a party or on the way home from work and I feel almost sick, at times I feel scared. Yet in the midst of these tragedies I am reminded about my relationship with you Lord. I need to stop any complacency, complaining, relaxing and live for you. Everyday that I get up I will thank you for my breath, I will work hard to and walk in the calling that you have called me. I am more motivated to DO what it is I have to do. Writing books, teaching, encouraging, singing anything that you have called and prepared me to do, I will do it. It is as if I don't want to sleep, but just work so that when you come for me you find me working or when you call me home someday you will be happy that I redeemed the times for the days are evil days nowadays. Our world is getting worse and Jesus you are the only living hope that when we die, we will live forever with you because of your faith not in our works, but in you Lord. Only you Lord.

One life to live and after the judgment

I see souls. God from now help me to only see souls, not people. Souls destined for an eternity with you or an eternity without you. When I look at the world from this perspective my calling is more urgent to tell others about you. It is so easy to get caught up with the worries of this world, focus on working and saving up to buy a nice house someday, for a family, for future investments and retirement. I know now that I would trade it all Lord, this world is fading and I would trade all the riches in this world and give it up just to focus on eternity and seeing souls be saved to live forever with you. 

I desire more of you, to love you more, to show your love to others. I am so thankful for your grace and mercy. I use to rely on my good works and compare myself to others, but God you showed me that in your eyes there is no partiality. You love the guilty, the prisoner, the liar, the thief, you loved all of us in our sinful state that you sent Jesus to die for us on the cross and now when I stand before you when I die, I don't have to go through a bunch of reasons, excuses or even present to you the good works that I have done because I have nothing good to offer to a Holy God. Even if I lived a good life and gave to the poor, one little lie that I tell makes me guilty of your law. No human being can live perfectly or present themselves righteous to you, but because you sent Jesus anyone that puts their faith in Jesus Christ and trust that he died for our sins will be made righteous NOT by our works, but by faith in Jesus. 

Many people will meet the grave trusting in their good works, but come to find out that all their works are futile. The decision on how we choose to live our lives and if we place our faith in Jesus or not must be made before we meet the grave, because when we die our decisions are irrevocable.

God I want to be a faithful servant, remind me that the pleasures of this world are quickly fading and only what I do for You Lord will last. God I want to see souls from now on and with an urgency demonstrate your love to others. I want others to see a difference and ask for the joy and hoe within me. I desire to live for you and only you and I want the angels to be rejoicing in heaven as souls are ushered into your presence. My confidence is in your Lord and help any unbelief. The Spirit is willing, but my flesh at times is week and will sometimes be enticed by the desires of this world. I pray that I will be filled with your word so that I may be able to flee and fight temptations. Continue to reveal yourself to me. I love you Lord, you are my one desire. 

Sacrifice

Life calls for sacrifice, but it is only natural for us as human beings to be so. Sometimes our selfishness is intended, most of the time it happens naturally. Comfort and convenience makes everything easier and so people will do anything to consider their needs first or the needs of those they love (family/close friends) before meeting those needs of other people. Thank you God for showing me otherwise. Last night I cleaned the house, before telling my sister she needed to make more of a sacrifice to clean and keep things tidy. I know I do too, but cleaning was something that I have been doing for months. As I began cleaning in the wee hours of the morning 12am I just kept thinking sacrifice Lord. For some people maybe you are showing them something different in their lives right now, but with me you are showing me unconditional sacrifice. Even when I clean and the house gets messy again to not wait for others to come in and help because sometimes they wont be able to do it and even if I have a schedule for the week, don't worry about it just get back in there and clean. It may feel like I am a servant, but all things I do I do unto You Lord and through constantly cleaning and picking up other people's mess and mine too, you have taught me patience and what your love looks like. It is sacrificial. I went to bed close to 3am this morning and God knows I fought every inch of sleep since I was up at 5:10am yesterday morning, traveled back home for 4 hours on a bus and then went straight to church to help out with programs and to attend service, I came home around 7:00pm and went to a coffee shop to do some writing until 11:50pm. God is good though we have to be prepared to work all the time. I ask God to show me more sacrifice, I was beginning to resent sacrificing all the time ans asking God how much longer. It is similar to when Peter said: "Lord how many times should I forgive my brother?" And Jesus answered and said seventy times seven. God is good and His mercy endures forever.

God please take away any residues of bitterness, please take away the desire for me to want and get the last word in, in a quarrel, God please take away the quarrel itself. I want to be like you in every facet. Forgive me for being stubborn at times, selfish in my thinking at times and help me to work harder to sacrifice my time and needs to serve others. Also teach me obedience first and show me what it means to obey as obedience is better than sacrifice. God I pray for the unfinished projects that I have started and aim to finish, Lord I pray that you will show me how to prioritize my time in such a way that I may get what needs to be done done, but by not being selfish and just focusing on my own schedule, to do this as I continue to make sacrifices to serve others. I pray for ideas for my projects and for patience when the ideas don't come as quick as I would like them to come. God I pray for my students that you will continue to help me teach well and that my students will learn well. Thank you for this day and as I pray for all those that I will meet today that I may rise to share Christ with them in my actions and words and through sharing the Gospel. I pray that you will prepare their hearts to receive the good news that you love them despite their past and present, and today is the day of salvation, if they hear your voice I pray that they will not harden their hearts. God you are always good. Continue to glorify your name and may your will be done on earth as it is in  heaven. Amen :)

Taking time out

I packed a bag, took with my Bible, a few articles of clothing and toiletries and jumped on a train heading  the road 4 hours  in the opposite direction, away from my home. This week I wanted to spend time working on unfinished goals and projects that I got distracted from, I wanted to also get to get some quiet time away from the busy city to just reflect on my relationship with God. I thank God that I had the opportunity to get back into the swing of writing. It has been forever since I sat down to write stories.  I use to love writing as a child and I could do it for hours. My imagination was much more vivid back then, but then I stopped, not writing completely, but I shifted my focus to songwriting. I have been thinking about the past lately and how I had dreams of becoming an established author and publishing books. Honestly, I just got distracted with the perils of life, my instability and inability to just focus on one thing at a time, I guess worked against me in actually accomplishing one set goal, but God is good and God is faithful. I can never rule out how God works and when he works. Lately, I have been writing more and God is reviving and restoring my passion. He has showed me so much about faithfulness and not saying "I can't do this or that." I use to hear so many times preachers add in their sermons that God just wants availability and it is so true. Availability and willingness is what is needed for one to be used in mighty ways. I am learning that God shapes and moulds us through situations and so who cares if I am not qualified or not to write. I will tell the Lord my fears and commit all my thoughts and concerns to Him, but most importantly I will draw closer to Him because the more I do the more he shows me His character and moulds me into His image. I want to live as Christ did and imitate Him. Amen and Amen!

Readers please comment

Have you been following my blog? Or perhaps a few random entries here and there? Is there anything that stood out to you? Please comment with any thoughts or questions, I would be more than happy to respond.

Human Trafficking...Suicide...God I am ready for YOUR justice.

I am lying down in bed, today I heard  a sermon about the human trafficking victims in Cambodia and how a man gave up his promising career to try and rescue and restore these girls. I also watched the Nefarious documentary. Although I knew a little about human trafficking the documentary really brought me deeper into the issue. I thought about YOU Jesus and how much you love each and everyone of these girls trafficked into sex prostitution. Yet these girls are hopeless, feeling worthless as they have been treated as cheap merchandise and at times even animals are treated better than them. I have been lying down quietly, I don't even know what to think Lord or how to think. How does a mother sell her daughter to pimps so that she can eat her daily bread, would the mother not choose to starve? Have people just become so desensitized to this way of living and onlookers and those who have freedom to fight for justice just plain and down right complacent? If so, then Lord break our hearts, break my heart, as someone with freedom looking in at these issues of human trafficking and not just human trafficking, but other issues such as suicide, Lord I want my heart to feel the intense pain that these victims feel. I want to hurt like they hurt, and hurt with them, I want to cry with them, I don't want to feel satisfied with the comforts of life when across the ocean, families are selling their daughters just so they can get the basics of life, although some also sell because they want a better lifestyle. YOU have showed me that my I can depend on you and that there is POWER in the gospel to set the captives free, even the most oppressed, vulnerable and those treated as worthless, in my eyes they are more prepared to accept YOUR love which is DIFFERENT from what the world gives.

What next Lord? I know that I don't have to wait to feel equipped before I act in faith. NO! All you require Lord is faith and availability. The just shall live by faith. Lord today I give over my desires, my plans, my gifts that you have given to me, my passions and even my faith. God take these and show me what you will have me to die for. Everyone is looking for a cause for which they can dedicate their life too. Lord in sickness and in health until death brings us together in the place you have prepared for yours and those who love you, use me to live out your heart for justice, to loose spiritual and physical chains of the oppressed. I may not be qualified by the world's standards. but I am thankful that you continue to reveal to me that you are the KING of the universe. I love you LORD, let's go get this world! In the process if I get wounded and hurt, yet will I praise your name. In this process, if I seek to even get the slightest perception that I have done everything in my own strength, humble me Lord with your mighty hand. I love you :)

Lessons about Love

God, you are so good. You have been reshaping my views on love. The love of the world is different from your love. I don't think anyone could say they would be willing to die for an enemy. If a man stands on trial and is sentenced to death for the murder of an innocent and child, which mother or father would forgive the murderer and then stand in proxy ready to take the murderer's place and be executed. Your love reminds me of this, but different in that you are HOLY. All humanity is a sinner and so we are deserving of the penalty of sin which is death physically (on this earth) and spiritually (eternal damnation). Sin demands punishment and there are no good works that I could have ever offered you to get me off the hook, but God You loved us (the whole world) so much that you were willing to send your only Son, 100% Holy to die and take the punishment for my sins...that's love. Now by faith in the saving work that Jesus did on the cross and His resurrection I can live a life more fulfilled here on earth (with a changed perspective of my purpose) and after when I physically die, my soul will go on to live in your presence forever. You are wonderful! Who wouldn't want to believe and be saved and experience life to the fullest on earth and eternity not having to bear the eternal punishment of damnation? Lord, I know it is so hard for people to admit that they are sinners. After all, our world today sends the message to be confident, to be proud of who we are and what we do, to enjoy life because there is only one life to live, to enjoy the pleasures of indulging in sin, partying, drinking, engaging in sexual intercourse and living life to the fullest, but God does this really satisfy? The world's pleasures may be fun, but it will never be fulfilling, after the fun has subsided you are even more thirstier for something that will satisfy. We were all created to be in relationship with You and unless we have that relationship, we will continue to look for happiness and love in all the wrong places. 


You have been showing me that as a believer, I need to represent Christ love to others. I need to show them when the world forsakes them, condemns them, hates them and judges them as a sinner that I am right there beside them to say: "we are all sinners and even as a sinner God loves you so much and desires that you come to know Him personally and He wants to give you eternal life, not eternal damnation, because it is His will that all should come to repentance." If we acknowledge our sins before God, repent and believe that He sent Jesus to die for our sins then we shall be saved, God is not like man, He is ever faithful to forgive us. His love is a sacrificial love and no one can out do Him in loving. 


I thank God that He is changing my perspectives on love and showing me new things I desire to love as He loves.

Life lessons: A new chapter

Currently, I am out of a job, but looking. In a few months, I will be heading back to school for a teaching certification, an endeavor I am still a bit confused about. If you were to ask me if I wanted to become a teacher a year ago, it would have been an absolute "no" without any further discussion. Teaching brings a whole heap of responsibility attached and I have so many other passions and interests that I want to pursue and feel I could do much better at and although my teaching strategies have somewhat improved, I feel I need a lifetime (which could be dedicated to other areas that I am good at) to become a great teacher. "Teaching is difficult" I would have said and even more so you feel the pains of disappointment when you put all your effort into planning and teaching, but some students don't seem to be improving or some kids are confused, disinterested, bored and quickly losing interest. I know, make it fun! Highly discouraging when your idea of fun and creativity turns out to be a flop.

A year later the feelings still lingered and I have to make a decision about what program to pursue. Time is flying, I need to pursue graduate studies next term because I am only getting older and need to become more stable in life, have a steady income and provide for my family (parents and myself). My parents aren't getting any younger and they should be retired by now. Pretty soon I will be signing  my name in another age bracket (hint hint). Of course, I have been struggling with teaching, but it provides me stability, it keeps me challenged, I like learning and with my teaching certification doors will be opened up throughout the world for me to teach and be a missionary as I have dreamed. The idea of becoming a missionary teacher seemed quite appealing. I had begun to build up enthusiasm for teaching, enjoying the kids was the easier part, but teaching well and explaining material that the students understood and could say "yes i got it!" was the most difficult and in a way it still remains challenging for me, 

Whereas many people would say their main motivation was because they love teaching and enjoy when their students get it, my main motivation is to learn how to become a better teacher so that I can share in the benefits of when my students understand. Most importantly, I realized that teaching is a vehicle for missions and sharing the Gospel with others. The art of explaining information in a way conducive to learning is one aspect of teaching, but the other aspect of being able to influence a student by taking time out to spend with them, showing them that you genuinely care and love them for who they are and their unique abilities is the other part that God is calling me too. I am a little nervous about entering the teaching program, but this time around on my educational journey, I will enter full heartily knowing that this is a part of my mission. The other part for sure revolves around international development and creating social supports, but for this season in my life God chooses to start me off with teaching and I need to submit. Where He leads me I will follow...Amen!

Unity and Family

To be honest, I never paid much attention to the idea of having a family. It was quite far fetched from my mind. Although I spoke more about it when talking about my future endeavors just an automatic and expected response that society expects to hear from an aging young adult. This week however God has really been speaking to me about "unity and family" and loving my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, putting their interests above mind. This is a different type of love. Love is willing and self sacrificial. God has been confirming through His word that when I love as Christ loves and if all Believers in Christ love as He does we will be so powerful, there will be unity and nothing will be able to dismantle us or blur our mission or distract us from sharing the Gospel with those who desperately need to hear and see a different love from what the world has to offer. 

Do not be anxious...

God, part of me wants to feel useful again. It has been a few months now since I decided to take some time off and to pursue you and although I have experienced so many experiences since then, I know that you are shaping and preparing me to be pleasing to you. Self control, obedience, dependence on You, trust, thanksgiving and serving You and others is the consistent message I get. I know that I will have to as Paul put it beat my body into submission. My flesh is so weak, although my Spirit is willing. It definitely is a war against my soul to abstain from sinful desires and from following my own self will. Now, I feel like Lord, you have showed me everything I need to live again, and I don't want to forsake the responsibility of working. However, God as I silence the lies that the enemy tells me about myself and confidence and usefulness, I will wait upon You. I will seek You and not what you can do for me. I will bring my requests and petitions to You. This is the hardest thing that I 've had to do because I am a planner by nature, but after spending these last months seeking and then turning away from You. It is always better when I am focused on You.

So, this is my conclusion, everyday of my life from now on, I should put the spiritual battle at the forefront of my mind. I should arm myself with the attitude that I will suffer for YOU Lord and everyday is not only a day of preparation, but a day of thanksgiving, a day of salvation for lost souls. I will speak words of encouragement and uplifting words. Before I am tempted to utter a useless word, I will stop and think "will this bring glory to God" If the Lord wills, I have three more months before I get back to work, but God may reserve these following months as an opportunity to learn more or more preparation. I pray God that You fill me. My soul wants to please You. I surrender everything to YOU. Reveal what job you have for me to do today and God I promise I will discipline myself to do your work faithfully. I pray in Jesus name. Amen!

4:30am thoughts

4:30am in the morning and I suddenly wake up reflecting on the years. "I am getting older" my mind tells me and I am not yet settled into any one career. I am floating around. "Get settled, work towards a career like everyone else, get married soon!" My thoughts are making me sad now. God, have I done anything great for you? Have I changed? Why is it hard for me to share with family and friends on first instinct concerning monetary things? I think, I don't have much and I don't want to go back into debt...save! But another voice tells me I have given you so that you may help others. Whenever the first selfish voice comes into mind I need to silence it, immediately and scream NO! When someone is in need, God as long as you continue to bless me I will bless others and help others with the portion you have given to me.

I feel so behind in life when I compare or think about others, but God this is apart of the spiritual battle, is it not? What am I anxious for? Your word says do not be anxious for anything, but in everything through prayer and supplication that I should let my requests be known to you. God these are my requests:
I want our relationship to be strong and fervent, renewed each day through prayer and genuine communication with YOU. You are my best friend and my confident.
I want to be able to understand more clearly the power of giving and to do it.
I want to be a shepherd to others in the faith and to be shepherd by others: strong brothers and sisters in the faith.
God you know my inner desire at the moment to be a Helper and to take responsibility. Cultivate me as a responsible, caring daughter in Christ, who exercises self control.
I want to make you happy Lord and use the spiritual gifts that you have given me to glorify YOU.
I want to share the Gospel more, reveal opportunities to me, give me revelations of what YOU will have me to do and where YOU will have me to be.
I want to be a really good teacher as well. Cultivate and shape me Lord.

Open the doors

Life can be difficult. One moment you can be so sure of your purpose and then next moment, it is gone. I think sometimes we tend to focus to much on our mistakes and missed opportunities that while we spend time focusing on these we miss other opportunities. Right now I am in a phase in my life where God everything is so confusing, my foundation is shaking because I honestly haven't been relying on you as much as I did a few weeks ago. God I need you to intervene and just reveal and clarify things for me in my life right now. If you are calling me to the missionary field please show me the path you have prepared for me. Open the necessary doors, please. 

Reflecting on my life...Where do I go now Lord?

I sat effortlessly on the train today on my way back home from Hangeul class. I thought about the person I had been and the person I was becoming. I thought about almost anything and everything. Yesterday I spent the majority of the day with a friend reflecting on life. I asked you Lord that you would provide clarity and direction. My friend and I discussed everything and our purpose in life. I found that she was clear cut and straight to the point in what she wanted. God, I was still over the place. Lord why? Even after the purpose courses and enlightened sermons I felt like I was an infant again, totally loss for words, then, I began to write. I wrote everything out my passions in life, the things that make me happy, questions, answers, one word descriptions that represented my life. I realized that my motivation and past dreams over time I had decided were too heavy for me, too heavy to carry into the future and I was letting those fade away. I guess I felt tired and frustrated of not seeing the success I expected, tired of hurt and failure, tired of rejection and tired of just moving in a circular direction. I want to move in a straight line, progressing and not regressing. Yesterday, I decided that what I really want is to do my best to help others. My ideal dream to find a new community, a new culture and literally change that environment serving in it faithfully confirmed that I needed to be on the mission field, but where? I realized that I really have an admiration of missionary families and it would be an honor to have one. I realized that if I couldn't have a family, my heart would beat even more for the opportunity to be a mother to orphans. I could run an orphanage or a school just for orphans. My mission in life is to be that encouragement to the desperate, to lead and to love. I know that I have to someday soon see the realistic part of making and saving money for future retirement, but no matter how I try to conceptualize it, I seemed to think that when my time of serving is done, when my work here is done, God will take me home. Yesterday, however, I thought about living a simple life in a village away from everything, I don't need the best of everything, comfort is always nice, but at the end of the day, I would be thankful for having my breath, making what I need to support my family and parents, and being good at what it is that I am doing to help others. A few days ago I woke up spontaneously at 2am in the morning to the thought "discipline" I continued this thought on the train this morning. In order to fulfill my dreams, I need to work on building certain characteristics. I admit I have not been quite disciplined, my accuracy is off  and I have seen that at times I have lost the battle of making assumptions, believing it, calling it out and at times living for myself. Eeew right? God I want to change. I want to be more disciplined and discipline starts with the simple everyday task. No more excuses only taking responsibility and this will help me to stay focused and become disciplined. I decided to take a drastic move today. I am responsible for my body and remaining healthy. I will be more disciplined in eating healthy and even wake up early morning or go for a walk in the evening every day (unless I am ill). I will also be disciplined with simple house chores ensuring that the house is not just tidy, but I do a good job in really deep cleaning and not just when I have people over. I will also be responsible in my planning, not just planning simple lessons, but challenging myself to do more and really take on challenges that my mind tells me I could never do. I know I can do all things, everything through Christ Jesus who strengthens me. 

I realized today that being disciplined requires letting some activities go. I realistically can't do everything although I really want to. Now, I would like to focus on studying languages, lesson planning and my missionary course until I start work again. When I study, my whole attention should be on studying and not half heatedly there as I switch back and forth between television programs. It is also up to me to fight thoughts of doubt or selfishness that pop into my head and say NO, I want to do or choose that thing which will glorify God. I realize now that I also have to be honest with myself and responsible for letting go of other commitments that I thought I could undertake and I really can't continue to do. I want to love and love God and others and never again will I ignore someone, I need to communicate, open up more and not be afraid of trusting others again. I know that ultimately I put all my trust in God, but I need community as well, even if past experiences have been daunting experiences it has taught me wisdom. I should move onto my next task now: planning. 

Spiritual Warfare...Trust God

God is good! These past two weeks have been a time of training and spiritual warfare for me. God's mercy and faithfulness is everlasting. God however made it really clear to me that I am not fighting flesh, but against principalities, against powers and against the rulers of darkness. The enemy felt more real to me these past two weeks as the enemy attacked and tried to break me down. My only response was to trust God. I thank you Lord that I can just trust you and there is no more doing it my way. This week God showed me how important it is to be discerning and He gave me spiritual wisdom. Thank you Jesus. I thank God for those who were praying for me and I know that God protects His own and will bring all my enemies to shame. While I won't get into details, I had people with wrong intentions to hurt me, but God always turns those wrong intentions around for His glory. I hope that I showed them in my dealing with their negativity towards me what it means to love Jesus, what it means to trust God. I know I still have a way to go in my relationship with Him, but I love God and I know that all things work together for good for those who are called  according to His purpose. Show mercy to my enemies, because God reconciled me to Him while I was an enemy. A picture of loving my enemies is displayed through God's mercy to me as I too was once an enemy toward God. I see enemies now as a chance to love even more, love more in the face of adversity and to show the mercy given to me from God.

God is Always Good!

God is always good! Even when I feel discouraged, I know that if I put my trust in God and stand steadfastly in His love, then everything will work out just fine. Through the past few months it feels like I have been on a spiraling journey with God. He has been showing me things, breaking my heart to love as He does, teaching me about fear and the fear of reverence for Him. God has been reshaping my confidence and a confidence that is dependent on Him. Knowing God and just how Great He is really makes me know that I can overcome any situation, that I can do anything. When my eyes are focused on God it is hard to sink, but when I focus on others or give into distractions or try to rely on my own effort then that is when I become discouraged. I pray for more godly friends so that I can continue to exhort and be exhorted and encouraged to live for Christ. He is my only pursuit and passion.God is telling me to follow Him and to do so now. I can face the world with God. I am resolved and determined to share the Gospel and this treasure of abundant life. I can't wait to see God where you are going to take me next. There are so many people hurting, wanting to know if you really do exist? and how to have a relationship with you. There are some who believe they are unworthy of any relationship and can never earn your forgiveness. I want to tell them that you died for their sins and no matter how deep the sin, if they put their trust in the work Jesus did on the cross for them, believe in their heart and repent then God salvation is for them too. Salvation is for everyone.

Sometimes I want to...

cry or scream for an answer. I want to hear the voice of God everyday. I know that God is greater than all my worries and problems. I know that as I begin to fight the spiritual battle that I will face opponents. I need clarity God. I thank you that I cannot rely on my own strength to do things, but it is through your power and through my faith in you that I can do all things. It is so hard to wait and be hit and threatened by the enemy, while I have to remain silent and wait. Thank you that if you God are for me, no one can be against me. I love you and even though it hurts to wait, I will do it and pray for you to clarify things to me as they come.

God is good

God is good, all the time. It feels like I have overcome a spiritual battle although if God were to grade me maybe I would get a 7 out of 10 for really holding fast onto loving God and trusting Him. I failed to trust Him at times fully and took things in my own hands...sorry God. I am so happy that God forgives and restores. Amen! He restores us when we make mistakes and He even restores the joy of our salvation. GOD you are good. The greatest pursuit in life is to know God and to make HIM known (Jack Graham).

I know that I need to know you more God in everything I do. I need to know you more intimately. I need to experience you more intimately. Please let me feel your constant love and help me to understand who you are as much as my limited mind will allow me to accept.

Thank you God

Thank you that you have begun to speak to me, or maybe I just started to actually listen and get rid of the distractions that have been taking my attention off of you. You have been teaching me more about what your love looks like, forgiveness and helping others grow closer to you and love you. I am sorry for the times I held a grudge and for the pride I held on and for the times I failed to forgive others. I forgive them now and I thank you that it is through your power alone that I can forgive. God you are so good to me. I thank you for revealing to me even more clearer than ever that in this life we are fighting a spiritual battle, which can only be fought with spiritual devices (prayer,etc). I am so thankful that you have marked this in my mind. I am so sorry for trying to rely on my own efforts and my flesh and blood to fight a spiritual battle. The souls of people are at stake and if they die without knowing your Son Jesus and accepting Him and the fact that He died for our sins so that we have might forgiveness, then they will rely on their own goodness to be reconciled with You, but that's not enough. I have purposed to not listen to any of the lies that I have believed so long, the thoughts that question my ability to lead people to Jesus or to plant in a seed in their life. I am so determined now whenever I have a thought that discourages me from sharing the Gospel to rebuke that idea, understanding that I do not fight against flesh and blood, but against Spirit. I am ready to live totally for you and work for you everyday until I take my final breath. Thank you!!!

Dear God I want to hear from you

God, I want to hear from you. Why aren't you speaking? Speak for your servant listens. I learned this week that I can't begin to love others truly the way You love me until I know what it means to be deeply in love with You. I love you, but I know that I have put other things before you in the past. Please forgive me. Change my heart attitude, 24 hours I want to desperately be seeking after you, in my thoughts, words, actions. I love you, but I want to know what it means to give everything up and to rely only on you, to be madly in love with you. I know that in order to do this I must first ask you for forgiveness for living in my own strength and trying to do things in my own strength, especially love others. I need to put off any things that are not of you: selfish attitudes, self righteousness and see myself just as a sinner, my true nature, a sinner saved by grace. Thank you God. I know you have good things in store for those who love you and I want every second to be a working minute for me, towards your kingdom. I thank you that you are helping me reveal more about myself and to feel comfortable with myself just as I am, comfortable with the fact that you love me and that's enough. I want to love others who know no love. Destroy any judgmental thoughts and attitudes as soon as they try to take place in my heart or mind. It is not of you...only love. This week I will practice

My last breath

It has been awhile. However, I just noticed that every time I come to blog I appear to be in a solemn mood, a bit uncertain of a situation. I have been thinking lately about my relationship with God. I know that I want to be fully in love with You to the point where I can't get you off of my mind even if I try. I promise I just want to put you first in everything and I won't get sidetracked any longer. For my life is but a vapor a breath and before my last breath passes I want to glorify and honor you in everything I do. I love you.

Forgiveness and Love for others (brothers and sisters in Christ)

It is difficult to understand sometimes why people act the way they do. Before I use to look up articles to even see if I could understand what such behavior meant, but now I give up. Lord, I put it all in your hands. I don't want to be a hindrance to anyone or a stumbling block especially to my brothers and sisters in Christ. Lord you have been showing me that I need to check my motives and make sure that my desires are according to your will and that is what I have been trying to do. I am examining myself and renewing my mind with your word. Forgive me treating others the way they treated me. It is no excuse, but I found it difficult to address this particular individual regarding their behavior and assumptions, so I just tried to ignore the situation and avoid talking with the individual in general. God however calls us to love one another as Christ has loved us and if we have a problem to go and speak with that brother or sister in Christ in person. Your word says to confess our sins to one another. I am sorry God that I have failed to do this. Please give me the strength and wisdom to deal with this situation. I thank you for changing my focus and attention to be placed on You, and I live to make you happy and to glorify You so please help me to do what is right in your eyes and not mine. I love you :)

Love like you love

I have a desire to learn more about Your love Jesus. I want to know what it means to love like you love, although this will be most difficult especially in the world today. I want to know what love feels like without boundaries, loving and fervently praying for those who hurt me. Loving with forgiveness. Loving those that are most vulnerable and the outcast of society. I desire to love like you do. I don't want to love for love in return or for mere convenience and the benefits or satisfaction of receiving love in return.

God You are greater than all our problems and the love that You showed by sending your only Son to die for sinners demonstrates the essence of love. Loving me despite my faults and failures or the endless wrongs that I have committed against you.

I rely only on You, but I know that You will bring special people into my life, who I must look after, special sheep, people that are hurting or longing for care and I want to do my best to witness to them not just in word, but deeds.

Please help me with the desires that have been placed on my heart. Help me to win the endless battles in my mind. I am more than a conqueror and I constantly want to be focusing on how to glorify your name, share the Gospel and serve the emotional needs of others. Thank you for the sheep and Shepphards that You have brought in my life and will bring in my life. Help me to love as You love me and not for convenience. This is my desire.

Dear God....From Selfish Ambitions to Humility and Selflessness

These past weeks I have been examining myself. You are showing me that I still have behaviors and habits that I need to work on. Looking at my life I see that I am trying to serve you, but still relying sometimes on my efforts. Sometimes I see traces of selfishness continuously emerging in my thought life and turning into action. Sometimes I see traces of stubbornness in me arising and constant justification of my actions even when I know that I should admit my failures. I am bringing these behaviors to You and I ask that You help me to change. I know that the longer a person conforms to their pattern of thinking and destructive behaviors, the harder it is to change them. A missionary cannot be selfish or proud or show partiality. Help me to get rid of even any little traces of such behavior.

I have something else on my heart and mind. I am looking for direction in life. Where do you want me next? I sense now that I may need to work on these behaviors first before You will move me to where it is You want me to be. I apologize that my Quiet Time with You has not been solely focused on You. I just let distractions get in the way...Right now it seems as if there are so many opportunities and open doors. Jesus please close those doors that You do not want me to walk through, but those that you do desire me to go through then please keep them open and order my steps.

You put a desire in my heart...I think it was You or I hope is not my selfish ambitions arising in me. Recently, I found an ongoing passion to learn languages. Thinking from a business perspective...I thought about the potential business and employment opportunities that are granted to people who speak several languages. However, thinking from Your perspective Lord, I thought to myself maybe You want to use these languages for my missionary work in sharing the news of Your love and the message of the Gospel with others. Is this what You want? Lord, please speak to my heart about this because I have just been getting to excited about all this language and learning and my passion for learning one language has quickly risen to about 6. Please help me to remain realistic and help me to not place these new passions above our relationship. I don't want to glorify all these new passions and interests, only You. However, if it is Your desire for me to learn 6 and even more then provide me the wisdom and understanding and continued dedication to learn and use these languages faithfully and for no other purpose than sharing the Gospel with others, drawing people closer and into a relationship with You and serving the emotional needs of others.

It seems as if a year ago was just yesterday. Time flies doesn't it? I have one more concern on my heart. There is so much violence in the world and although I am not surprised because the Bible talks about all these things, I am overwhelmed. It hurts to watch the news and hear the news of senseless murders and deaths. I wonder if that person knew You. I think immediately "the deceased" as the news anchors refers to the victim, is really someone, a living soul who is now standing before You and giving an account for their life. Father, but yet I feel like a nominal Christian...strengthen me again. Help me as I renew my mind and constantly shape and humble me. I want to see that in everything I do, say and in all of my actions that I diligently serve You and not fail to share the Gospel with others. Father please help me to take care of the fatherless. The fatherless I consider as anyone who is hurting and You know father many people are hurting. I think that the celebrities hurt sometimes the most. Some people have so much money, mansions, private jets and all the riches that one may hope for, but inside they are so empty. Help me to live only for You and always for You. I desire to see You face to face one day, until then help me to live by faith in a hopeless world. I love You and my one desire is to serve You and to do so faithfully.

I need you more

Dear: God,

I need to know that You are with me. I sometimes feel so confused and although I pray, it is confusing when the silence is louder than the noise. Why are you silent? Is it that I am not praying sincerely? Lord, I don't want to ask for my own benefit, but I just want to fulfill the desires of Your heart. Please make my desires in line with your desires. Please remind me that this life is temporal and only what I do for you will last. I love You and I trust You, bur I noticed that even for a moment when I focus on the worries of this world and lose my focus on You even but for a moment, my mind wanders and I end up concentrating on the wrong things. You know my prayer now and Jesus I know that You will answer and that sometimes You answer with a no. When I am tempted to be selfish or to think about myself help me to do something radical that demonstrates a dedication and a commitment to renewing my mind and seeking after YOU. I want to love and put others first over my self seeking ways and my own benefits. I need to renew my mind daily and Jesus, I will do this. I just want to make YOU happy and no matter where you bring me Jesus. Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world for YOU and other times I just feel defeated, like I should be further along in life when I compare myself to others. I will not compare myself to others Jesus, but whenever I am tempted to do so, I am resolved to think about eternity and the souls of the lost. I am resolved to think of new ways to share the Gospel with others and to bring hope and serve the emotional needs of the hurting. I love you Jesus, I am going to get some rest now.