Dear God: My New Years Resolution

I promise Jesus to talk with you and indirectly to others through this blog. The new year is approaching and if you spare my life to see the new year, I will be grateful, but saddened because Jesus, what have I done for you? I want to live everyday with an urgency for sharing the good news of your love and eternal life with the lost. The new year I will make a life resolution, just as Jonathan Edwards did. However, my resolution will be to live with the urgency of YOU coming back within the hour, and with two fears: the fear of giving an account for everything I didn't do while knowing the truth and everything I did that did not reflect YOUR love through me. The second fear, which should be first is rather the reverence I owe to YOU because I understand now that no one can be right with you except through faith in YOU because You came to die on the cross, so that if anyone believes that You died for the sins of the world including their sins, and confesses themselves to be a sinner and turns away from their lifestyle of offending you and their desire to serving you then they will have a fulfilled life not only here, but eternal life with YOU after they die. No one gets out of this world alive and when a person dies, they will either live with YOU forever or out of your presence forever. Jesus, I am extremely happy that YOU died for me. I HAVE to let others know.

I feel now I have more of a testimony to share with others. Growing up and attending church for many years, but never really coming to understand the simplicity of the Gospel until now. It is so beautiful isn't it.

I want YOU to be the focus of my life and I don't want but another moment, much more a year wasted doing nothing for preparing others for eternity. How do I stay focused on YOU while living in a world that is turning upside down.

I am listening to John MacArthur now and he is talking about staying focused on you through prayer, meditation in your word and self control. Self control is the key then Jesus. I want to study Your word everyday.

The more I think about it, the more I see that I need to dedicate time to studying and sharing your word, that is the only way I can be satisfied in making you happy. I want to be faithful and changing my selfish attitude to a selfless attitude is difficult if I don't continue to renew my mind with Your word.

So, now Jesus I am praying for YOU to place me wherever YOU want me, open doors and close others until I can be where YOU want me to be just so that I can focus on YOU and your work. When I write, I want to glorify YOU in my writing, when I speak with others, care for others anything I do in my actions and even when I have to remain silent I want it to all be for the glory of God. I want to help other believers, my mom and dad and my siblings and friends who have put faith in YOU to contribute to YOUR work: sharing the Gospel message however, whenever and wherever possible.

Jesus, YOU know there is no time left. Time is running out. Anyone can take a look at the world today and see that the future has no hope. I know that the world is living in perilous times that the Bible talks about. How is it that so many Presidents of countries have died within the year or last few years? Leaders of countries and nations. Also Jesus I look at all these famous people, celebrities that are also dying. I know You are calling everyone into judgement one by one and only YOU know Jesus whether a person has truly confessed their sins and put faith in YOU. I don't want any souls to be lost, but I am disappointed because I have become so comfortable with life that I have not even fought vigorously to share the Gospel with others, but now Jesus I promise. I thank you for the desires and ideas that YOU have given to me and I will run with them and pursue them through YOUR strength, through the strength of the Holy Spirit. Jesus I love YOU.

It is not by works!

"When you sing, think about the words. Can't you see what it is saying, it is so powerful." As a young child, I was part of the children's choir, not by force, but I loved singing. Although I was never good with harmony, I could belt out a tune. I use to listen to a song over and over again, studying the singer's every vocal movement. I knew when to take a breath and when and how to change my voice to sound exactly like the record. If it didn't work then I would try and try and try again until we were almost one voice. I did think about the words here and there and often with slow ballads, which were my favorite to sing. Slow songs often transferred so much emotion whether it was a song about love or pain, the ballads of instruments coming together with a vocalist helped me to connect with the song on an emotional level, even if I could not relate to the lyrics, it made me think about how I would feel if I had such an experience.

Words, they are so powerful.

Lord, this week has been a good week for me. Despite celebrating your birthday, I was so touched by understanding the Gospel. Okay, I know I have said this before, but just when I think I have a full grasp of the Gospel in its simplest form , you introduce me to more vivid images and examples that simplifies it even more and makes me truly understand the essence of eternal life.

I began sharing the Gospel with others and this is something that I am guilty of not doing. I am guilty of being complacent in my relationship with you and trying to use you as a Savior for the times when I am in most in need. Jesus I am so sorry and I apologize for my selfishness and selfish desires.

I really didn't understand your word and I have no one to blame, but me. I was too wrapped up with this world, you know.

Someone has come over, so I will finish this thought later, but I am so happy that I don't need to do anything for salvation and neither does anyone else. You did it all. Thank you

Dear Jesus: Called to be a Missionary

This weekend I saw confirmations of my calling for the ministry, perhaps as a missionary. I will not say perhaps, but more confidently as a missionary. I have had a determination to draw closer to YOU Jesus and to revive my relationship with you after years of complacency on my part. When I attended a church service, another regular Sunday service for me, something happened. Something happened for the first time in my life, in my many years of attending church services and events, the word YOUR WORD was made clear to me. The pastor did not just inform me that I was a sinner, needed to believe in Jesus before I die or spend eternity without Him in damnation. Rather he went further and gave a perfect visual example of my life as a sinner and what that looked like as a stairway to heaven, except one act of imperfection prohibited me from taking another step on the stairwell to heaven. I needed a redeemer. Sin in the past was only covered, however, when Jesus came and died on the cross he died for my sins to wipe them away, I am no longer condemned to an eternity of hell, if I simply put my faith in Christ and the work He did. God is the author of beautiful things, I could never think of this Perfect plan. For the first time, I truly understood why I needed a Savior. I understood everything more. I understood salvation better and grace and the uselessness of my works to get to heaven. Yeah, I would be able to walk up a few stairs on the stairwell to heaven if I relied on my works to get me there, but the imperfections and only one bad decision that I have made in my life would prohibit me from going all the way to the top. Lord, with YOU, I can YOU can bring me to the top of the stairwell to Heaven. Reflecting on my life, I could see that I didn't understand it before and so I was still relying on my good works, for what? Now, I can appreciate YOUR love Jesus, not only for me, but for humanity. God sent His Son that I might not perish, but have eternal life. God sent His Son that EVERYONE who believes in HIM, no matter what they have done in their lives, shall not perish, but live. YOUR grace is so wonderful, even at the last minute LORD, YOU saved the thief on the cross.

Following the pastor's sermon, I wanted to study God's word, I wanted to stop investing in this world and invest in my relationship with Christ and the eternal kingdom. I just didn't know the next step. The church featured a list of courses and programs throughout the week and I was easily captured by an evangelism course. I was excited because I thought it was the best class for me, I could jump in and get involved with sharing the Gospel of God. I took note of the person with whom to get in contact with and when I returned home from church I was excited to email my interest in joinging the course. I had made a decision that I wanted to just know more about Jesus and his word. I thought that taking this course with review the principles of my faith and salvation once more and give me an opportunity to put it into practice. However, God had different plans. I was really sad when I recieved a reply from the pastor in charge informing me that the course was full and I would have to wait until the next term. I felt so confused, Jesus what will you have me to do next? The following Sunday, I attended church and during the the announcements was excited to see that God had opened up a new course "A passion for purpose" a course focused on helping us to understand our purpose in life. It was exactly what I needed. I thought to myself "Jesus, closed one door, so that He could open up another door for me, this is probably where He wanted me to be." I was very excited and emailed the contact person in charge as soon as I got home. Enrolled in the course I had an opportunity to explore my spiritual gifts with a few assessments. I was suprise to see that the assessments reflected my strengths and skills and passions. However, on a particular test "missionary" was outlined as my top spiritual gift. A missionary, yes I had the ability to care for others and I enjoyed helping others, but Jesus come on there is no way I could do this," The facilitator of the group asked me if I had thought of ministry before, I knew I wanted to serve, but I didn't know anything about the missions field. The missions that I had met sometime ago had to rely on church donations and had to continuously seek fundraising and support. That night I went home and thought about it. Looking up information on becoming a missionary just confirmed the support full time missionaries had to raise. I thought about the spiraling communities and thousands of missionaries that are already working in the mission field, could I find people to support me. This missionary idea didn't seem possible, but I did keep it in mind.

I had attended a training with the church some weeks later and the pastor touched on the mission field. I had spoken with another pastor after the training and ask him his thoughts about working in the ministry. I didn't realize I could work in the ministry full time, but this pastor clarified that it is possible...perhaps working at a Christian school abroad. I had never considered this. I understood that as a missionary, I didn't have to travel back and forth seeking support, but I, as many missionaries do had the option of working full time in the particular destination of where I would be and ministering part time to other projects. I know this realization should have come earlier, simply put, but I thank God it came and I kept this in mind. He told me about his son who had just finished law school and informed his dad, that he believes God is calling him now to go to seminary. Missionaries have strong faith.

I was having a conversation with a friend on the phone and told her about my discussion with the pastor. "Teaching at a Christian school, or Missionaries children, we call that becoming an MK teacher, she said" I was so far removed in my understanding about the mission field. I didn't realize an MK teacher was a Missionary Kid Teacher. The idea seemed nice, but how do I get started? Where? What? I still had many questions. "Anyways," I continued. "What are you guys doing this weekend?" I asked my friend. She informed me that she would be seeing a friend who just had a baby and would be returning to China soon. "She works with....Oh my gosh!" my friend stated. "She works with MK children. She is an MK teacher."

We had decided that I would come along to talk with her friend and ask her questions about the mission field and what it was like being a missionary, and the role of a missionary teacher, but at the last moment I pulled out. "I can always call her" I thought, but I never did.

I began reading more and more books and realized, including a book that focused on evangelism and sharing the Gospel with others. I was excited that I would be reading more to help me get a better knowledge of what genre of book I would most enjoy writing. I recieved an email from a friend that I had met at the church training some weeks ago. I had marveled in her passion and dedication to becoming a full time missionary and pretty soon she would be going to Discipleship Training. In the email, she informed me that she had some books for me and would bring them for me on Sunday. I was happy. I love reading and I had planned to read 10 books within the next two months, inspirational non fiction, fiction even language books. Fortunately, I would be attending a prayer meetng service within the week, the same prayer service she would be attending. I let her know and she brought me the books, both having to do with the experiences and true stories of missionaries.

Finally yesterday, in search for what I am suppose to do next with my purpose "to serve the emotional needs of individuals" The pastor spoke about our motives and to examine what we are truly living for. Was I living for my own wants, pleasures and selfish desires or for the kingdom of God, investing in planting a seed in the world in lives, so that ultimately God would receive the glory and unbelievers would come to know salvation in Christ Jesus. What was driving my life? Was I helping to strengthen the weak, especially the believers and helping unbelievers discover the fact that they (as I am, as we all are) sinners and need repentance, with a humble attitude and not a "holier than thou" attitude. Everything he said tied in with the books that I was reading, including the idea of planting seeds before it is too late. Finally, before the pastor closed he had addressed the recent news of many teachers who would have to leave because of a new law that meant teachers could no longer work in the country. I sat and listened as one, that would be affected if I decided to return and teach. His desperate plea "Use this as an opportunity for you to get involved in missions, start a church somewhere, don't just go home, but be radical." The pastor had challenged everyone to go to the mission field. Tears quietly trickled down my face and in my prayer to YOU Jesus I said "I don't want to, but I have too." I felt the Lord tugging on me. "Just take care of my parents and their retirement, they worked hard for me I don't need the money, the clothes, the expensive meals, the comfort and satisfaction of living life comfortably I can do it as long as I have you" As the pastor kept on talking, he slowed his speech to emphasize the last words ..."because only what you do.." I knew what was coming. I thought about the hospital bed and seeing her lying there, the result of cancer, one of the results living in a sin stained world, I retrieved thoughts about the grave as her casket moved slowly into the ground. I thought about the one thing she would always say to me, the pastor completed her sentence "for God will last." I cried.

I received an invitation to go to an event, a dinner event happening the same night and journaled my experiences of God's calling on my life to become a missionary on my way to the event. I had signs, but no faith, but I wanted God to help my unbelief. The dinner I would be going to was in celebration of a new school. The pastor had served as a missionary for years. I intended to ask him questions, but didn't get too.

Anyways Jesus, I will keep praying, writing, reading, eating, doing whatever I have to do, but all to the glory of God. I am seeking the next step that I should take, but what I want to ask from YOU is this, "discernment and wisdom" I need more of this especially during these days. I love YOU Jesus, YOU are my one desire. I need to keep fighting despite what life throws at me because the end will be worth it and only what I do for YOU will last.

Jesus Te Ama

For the second time this month I heard a word "use your time wisely." I am ready to live that life that is totally consumed and crazy for you. I replaced my spare time with no spare time. I realized that I needed to work with the spiritual gifts that you have given to me and to make the use of every minute and opportunity that you give to me. So, I have drafted a list of priorities of course all of these priorities are the top on my list of important things to attend to with the main goal of bringing glory to God and sharing the Gospel. Each month, if the Lord wills, I will work to complete all that I set out to do on the list. I am living life now with an urgency. Each day I should work tirelessly for sharing the Gospel. I have failed to do so in my relationships with others, but I will do better. I have a few Christian books to read and God willing a few to write. I am trusting You Lord to take care of the needs that I have, You know them very well and as I endeavor to work for You with all my heart, mind and strength remind me each day that your grace is sufficient enough to get me through trials and tribulations in this life. I can't wait until I get to see You and Lord when discouragements come in life, I pray for strength through the Holy Spirit to draw only closer to You and never away. There are so many hurting souls in this world, the poor and the rich, the everyday business man, the judge passing down sentences and even some motivational speakers who try to motivate others. Please use me to restore hope to them through the message of the Gospel and a blessed hope that will last for eternity. Well, I will try to update this as much as possible, but for now I have to go. Thank you. Te AMA-I love you in Spanish.

Dear Jesus: Love and Communication

Dear Jesus,

I haven't written since August. Wow! for about 3 months now. There has been alot that has happened to me in 3 months and I feel that you are revealing new insights to me day by day. You have come to really stress and show me that our world is made up of hurting people and people who are searching for answers. I know that you have called me to minister to those that are hurting. I have to admit that my faith is not even as strong as it was when I wasa child. It is so much easier for adults to think about everything and reason about decisions rather than just praying about it and stepping out in faith. I have been thinking about serving as a missionary abroad somewhere. I knew from an early point on my life that money was not everything. People have billions of dollars only for awhile and then leave it behind, to face eternity with nothing, and not having You. I have decided then that I have to invest in eternity. It is just my faith Jesus, please help my unbelief. I reviewed my relationship with You and I realized that an essential part of my relationship with you was in dire need of being restored. Communication. Wow! I had everything else, worship, studying, reading, but I failed to have the most basic element in our relationship: constant communication. Maybe, I was too selfish and just enjoyed talking more thatn I did listening, but as I investigated this more deeply, my prayer life with you was almost non existent. If you love somebody, you will desire to seek them and be in constant communication with him or her, but for me I had neglected this single concept. For this reason, I will work hard on my prayer life because that is what prayer is: hard work. It is not just a matter of convenience which I had of wanting to talk with you only when I had a problem or an immediate need, but it is loving you so much that I want to be around You all the time to talk to You and to take delight in You. Well, my time is almost up and I must get back to work, so until I see You, I pray that you will help me demonstrate a selfless love to people who are hurting and I look forward to my quiet times with You.

Wow! It has been awhile..Jesus how do I stay focused?

I wouldn't call it an attention defecit disorder (I have a feeling I spelled that wrong), but anyways I just have a problem staying focused, or I can stay focused for only so long before I become disinterested and need to move on to another activity. My ability to stay focused has become more apparent to me and it is a combination for disaster whenever I am disorganized. Example 1, in my employment when I was younger I could only commit to one year at a job before moving on, just because I needed something new. During my stay at the job I would always be engaged in other extracurricular or academic activities. In my profession I sometimes question how long. I love it, it is new interesting and allows me to demonstrate creativity, but at the same time I have other passions that I also want to actively explore, because I do this I realize that I am just putting in mediocre effort. My friends and family tell me to focus on one thing at a time and master it before moving onto another, but I am afraid I will run out of time. I am not getting any younger and Jesus sometimes I think it could take me forever to master something and during that forever I could have just learned other activities, but not at a mastery level. Well, this week I was seriously considering purchasing another instrument because I wanted to revive my old passion for playing it. However seeing that I have two other instruments that I am learning and I am still at somewhat of a beginner, a little higher than a beginners level and I still need to learn how to read music notes, I think I will have to suck up my wants, stay focus and say no to buying that instrument. I will invest my time to learning the piano well and improving my techniques and chord understanding on the guitar. As a treat, in 6 months time, then, maybe I can get the other instrument :) or not :( Reaching a level of mastery may take forever, but regardless Jesus I love you and want to serve you the right way.

So, now I have been thinking about a media fast, no tv, social websites, only two websites oneplace.com and blogger NOT even search engines...ah I will try this one day first, then gradually extend it longer and longer. Do you think I can do this? Also, I really want to do a cash fast? Does that make any sense, I just made it up...I would spend cash wisely and perhaps do a mini bible study on the importance of being wise with money and a cheerful giver, because sometimes I think I am a bit selfish and groan when I have to spend money on or activities or events that don't personally fit my agenda...Sometimes I think I try to bargain too much not realizing that if I bargain with wrong intentions (to get way less) or knowing that the person is willing to take anything so I try to benefit from the bargain as much as possible instead of being fair, then God is not happy with me. Jesus please help me to be more like you. I love you and although I have alot more to write about this is good enough for tonight. Jesus I love you and you are my one desire.

Dear Jesus: Prayer and Future goals

I am getting more serious with my prayer life. I have never been a prayer warrior, but my heart is willing to learn, my heart is willing to do anything to get my life in check and a closer relationship with my Savior. My daily devotion now is closely guided by John MacArthur`s Drawing Near book, it has a passage to read from and prayer suggestions for each day of the year. Wow, I have so much to learn. At this point in time I have a passion for languages and for getting these music notes memorized :) I want to learn seriously how to read music notes fluently. My problem is that I start and stop, start and stop, but no more. I have to get serious now. Ahhhhhhhhh let`s say God spare my life to see the next 6 months I should achieve these goals. I know it may seem like a long amount of time, but with my type of schedule,I think it is a fair amount of time. :) Okay, I am going to take a nap now.

Dear Jesus: Giving others a chance

Ahhhhhh! It has been awhile since I have written.
What have I been up to? Well, nothing much. In the summer I have to create a summer program for my students, so I have been focusing on creating a summer program. What else? Nothing much really. I have been studying spanish here and there and currently I am hoping to get a teacher or to join a spanish class. I have practiced the guitar here and there, but I have not really continued with my songwriting. This month I have joined a gym because I am on a mission to get in shape, fit and to remain healthy....I have a wedding to attend in a few months. Ummm..,that's about it. I know that I need to learn how to prioritize especially within the next few months I have some personal goals that I would like to achieve, but I need to focus on one goal at a time, so I am going to give my priorities over to God in prayer so that I can get my priorities right. Ahhhhhh, what else? I am sorry if this blog may seem a bit boring at times, but I will do my best to make it as interesting as possible. Although what I blog actually reflects how I am feeling and my thoughts at the moment. Because of my lack of trust of others sometimes, I have lost many opportunities to get to know others or just share my testimony and encourage others. Specifically, this has been the case for me in the past 6 months, but I prayed that God would just have me to trust Him and not others and to take advantage to share the gospel and to encourage others. I am shy naturally and sometimes I just get too shy around others and sometimes I do well. Anyways, God is good. I met three people within the past 6 months who approached me for help or conversation, although I did not give out my number, I did pass along my email. They have emailed me and now I have decided to create friendships and whenever possible provide them with the help that they need (simple-help with improving their English conversation skills). Before I guess I just would have made up a reason in my head and a justification to go along with why I would not be able to help out, but now I thank God that He has allowed me to give people a chance and to use these opportunities as ways to help....and then witness to them about Jesus. 

Dear Jesus: Heaven and Hell

Heaven and Hell is real. God will judge the quick and the dead. No one can tell when their last day on earth will be. For some who may think they have many more years to come, sometimes they are minutes away from meeeting their eternal destiny. For others who may be ill and thinking that they have only a few more days before they enter an eternity, sometimes we see God's grace extending their lives for several more years. We live in a world of opposites.

No matter how much we try to not think about death. It must come. Everyone should be concerned about their eternity and think about it daily so that it influences how they live life on earth.

Evangelism is critical. Jesus please touch my mouth and show me how to share your word with others, without being aggressive or demanding.

Dear Jesus: I am having a bad day

I am sitting on my bed stuffing my face with oreo cookies, I just finished eating a cream cheese bagel and I bought two strawberry ice cream bars for later....I am having a bad day. At first, I did take out my bible and I read a scripture, but I don`t even know which scripture it was now. I also asked YOU Lord to just help me. It feels like I am going around in circles and I don`t think I am actually accomplishing much for YOU. Anyways I will be attending a new church now during my stay here and I also hope to attend some small groups. I wanted to go shopping today or just walking and mirror shopping just to get things off my mind. I didn`t feel like journaling or grabbing my camera to take photos...Ahhh Jesus even though I feel this way I love you all the more. To know that there is hope and my hope is in YOU is refreshing because I don`t know what I would do or how I could begin to get the smallest peace of mind without YOU.

So my dilemma now is I have begun to care about what others think, I guess. Although it is not a major impact that drives my actions it does concern me a little. I also have to deal with diverse personalities at my place of work of which some have a `different mentality`of life and people altogether.

Second, although I won`t get too specific. I guess I have been fearful (not really fearful), but lacking confidence in other areas of my life where I would like to excel. Also, I have begun to dedicate more time to myself and skill that I haven`t really focused on YOU. It is as if I am busy preparing myself for minisries, looking ahead into the future of what could be, but not really renewing my mind daily with YOUR word and living one day at a time.

Also, I think if you could open my heart and see it, maybe you would see much desire and dedication, fearlessness of certain things in life, fearfulness, a waving dedication to serve YOU, much indecisiveness at times, and maybe a little selfishness (I need to work on this), although there is love I want love not only for those close to me, but for everyone, I want more courage, I want WISDOM and I need a bit of forgiveness. Life is so difficult and sometimes it can feel like I am going in circles.

I am going to go eat some more oreos now. :(

Dear Jesus..what is your will?

I am sitting here just thinking. You know I think that sometimes I have the tendency not to be a good listener and I say this because I am always in a rush to get things done and so sometimes although I ask for opinions and answers my mind is moving too fast to actually take time out to listen. It seems as if I am always on the go and that is how my life has always been. Today though I am listening to the sermon of Jack Graham and I really just want to soak up everything he is teaching. The scripture he is explaining is proverbs 3.

These are some notes from the sermon that I have jotted down in no particular order or format:

Remember and never forget God's wisdom.
Do not be foolish but understand what the will of the Lord is.

First I need to choose to pursue God's wisdom in my life: keeping God's commandments and obeying God. God will give me the wisdom that I need to make the right choice. These days are evil so we need to make the best use of our time.

Every decision I make, opportunity, idea, circumstance, opinion, relationship and everything I have I need the wisdom of God. We can trust God with everything we have.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.

I learned from this message that I need to trust in you 100% and in all areas of my life even if this may bring situations that require me to step out of my comfort zone. I need to live in the promises that you have given me.

My story: How do I share the gospel?

Jesus a few weeks ago I met a young man on the bus well not thaht young but maybe in his late twenties or even early thirties, and honestly at first when I saw him walking in my direction I was like oh gosh please don`t let this person come up to me just because I didn`t feel like trying to sustain a conversation for the train ride.

Anyways he still came up to me and I managed to just endure the conversation until I got off the train. On the train I asked if he atteneded church and he said he could attend, but he is muslim. So, Jesus I took down his email and said I would shoot him a mesage.

Jesus I have not emailed as yet, but I guess I should soon eh?

Jesus you know my heart I just want to serve you with no strings attached and Jesus I pray that you will be able to work in this person's heart. He has been livving here four years now, but maybe a visit to church and a message will change his heart.

I haven't done this in a long time Jesus, but please bestow upon me wisdom and knowledge so that I may be able to lead and tell others about you. I will email him.

Dear God...I am confused!

I am confused. I was talking with a friend the other night and we were discussing our paths and where life would take us. We talked about our goals in life. Jesus, when I think about my future I just think about traveling this world and just helping people. Yes, it is really that simple. My perspective on life has shifted many times, from wanting the world, to just being content with YOU, and a shirt on my back, a pair of pants and shoes on my feet. I know what it is that I need to do. I began to review documentaries and testimonies of missionaries on youtube today. I saw this video that touched my heart of a missionary couple serving in Chad who gave up everything to tell others about YOU. Jesus they even had to perserve with the death of their first son. As they began to burry his casket and the mother began to cry I felt it. There are so many people serving you in the midst of tragedy and pain and look at me. I am still in my twenties and so I should start to do something. You blessed me with many desires so why can't I just start. I need the faith to just get out there and say you know what Jesus I am going to serve YOU no matter what.

Sometimes I think well maybe I should study your word more because I need to use your word to evangelize the lost. I need to have understanding of our relationship first before I can go and tell others, but is that true Jesus? I believe that YOU will provide no matter what the need is.


I also think about my parents. Jesus they are not getting any younger and I know that now is my time to support them and give them everything they need. They should be enjoying their lives now as I work hard to ensure they never have to work again. I think when I go back home to visit them I will give them a suprise ticket to Israel: the Promise land. Maybe once a year they can go anywhere in the world, I want to be able to promise them this and say "it's on me!" The only thing Jesus is how do I do this? Backpack as a missionary and support my elderly parents? Do I do one and then the next? It is frustrating because I just want to start to do something and anything for you, but also meet the needs of my family. Maybe I need to just rely on faith and YOU. I love YOU and I know that I just need to develop my faith and relationship with YOU. It just seems as if sometimes I am going around in circles although I know YOU work all things out for those who love you. Forgive me for being selfish at times and teach me how to rely and strengthen myself in your word. I also need to pray. I take prayer for granted and at times only pray when I need too or have a problem, but I know that is not how a relationship should be. Two people in a relationship don't only just communicate with the other person in times of need, but constant communication is what keeps a relationship growing. I love YOU Jesus please help me to serve you better, please bring those individuals in my life that can encourage me in my walk with YOU. My desire is to serve You.

Dear Jesus---Another Day

Dear Jesus,

I am about to start my day and I have drafted a mental list of what I need to get done. Cleaning and laundry is on my list as well as working on my application. I will also need to plan a few lessons, but maybe I will start this tomorrow because tonight I promised to meet up with a friend and also I wanted to take some photographs. I think I will save cleaning for later and begin with this application as I have much to do and the deadline is quickly approaching. I may decide to apply to one or two more schools abroaod.

Jesus, why do people become so defensive when they hear your name? I have dealt with a few that do not want to get into a discussion about you at all. One day on a train over here as a person came on the train with his Bible preaching about YOU, one man threw curses at him and then began to cover his ears. I thought the covering of the ears was quite childish, however altogether I wondered what triggers within people to hurl a set of curses with someone sharing something about YOU. I think you have showed me that if I really am to get into a field of missions overseas I may run into many challenges, including different types of personalities.

Anyways so I was watching a documentary on missions and in the documentary a reference was made to C.S Lewis. Now, I have always heard about him and pastors refer to him in their sermons, but now I think it's time for me to study more about his life. I actually have a mental list of random people, situations and events that I would like to learn more about. I like learning about history and specifically world war histories as well as Christian history (the emergence of the Church and the history of Christianity). I would add these to my ever growing list og goals. Nothing is impossible with You.

I prayed today and I prayed that I be given strength to not harbour feelins of stubborn, jealousy,pride, partiality etc and other feelings that have appeared in my life. I want nothing to do with them. I remember what was said to Cain: if you do what is right, will you not be accepted? but if you do not do what is right sin lies at the door and its desire is for you, but you must master it. So I believe that even though some feelings come into my life, if I just hang on to the word of God I can overcome such feelings. It is so hard because the human emotions are so strong, but God is stronger. So now, it is important for me to be grounded in the word of God. The Bible says we should study to show ourselves approved onto God. I know I need to do this more. I want to be able to defend my faith when someone ask me a question about it and not to be all wobbly and all over the place.

Anyways, I am going to try to write more often and update my blog. This is such an ordinary blog, but I believe YOU can use the ordinary to speak to others even if it is just one person. I know that the angels rejoice in heaven over one sinner who repents. I guess I should start my tasks now. I want to accomplish as much as I can in a day for YOU and to be productive about how I use the time that you give to me.

Dear Jesus---my week

This week I was feeling a bit down and I loss quite a bit of confidence. I went for a walk and I brought my camera along with me to take photographs. I took some really nice photos of flowers, people and a man who appeared to be quite tired. He sat down on a cement stair and held his head down, so I assumed he was tired. Anyways I felt much better after sitting down and journaling and capturing some great shots. The next few weeks for me will be quite hectic as I am trying to work on getting a scholarship to fund my graduate studies. This scholarship is quite prestigious and requires that I share a proposal of some sort, so I have been asking God to give me ideas and not only ideas because I have had many of them in the past, but this time I want something that my heart will desire after.

Life. I haven't been keeping up with my bible study, so I think that is something I definately need to return too. There are many ideas and goals that I have become passionate about lately, including learning how to read music notes, composing songs, developing my photography, oh and studying french as well as having the whole world map memorized. The last one is a recent desire that I just developped the need to know where places are on the map and to recall it just as well as I recall the letters of the alphabet. I guess I should pray and ask God what direction He wants me to take as all these passions could be quite overwhelming and I learned that if I try to do everything at once many problems will arise so its better to focus on a few at a time.

So, today I watched a documentary about some teenagers learning more about their faith in YOU Jesus and I have always said that I am not the most eloquent speaker, but I was intrigued by how some of the teenagers were able to defend their faith and this is something that I need to learn and do. I want to be knowledgeable in spiritual things and I pray for wisdom and understanding.

Ummm..I am going to get something to eat now and then perhaps take a bit of a nap.

Dear Jesus

I am lying in bed. Today was a long day, I spent the entire morning, afternoon and night just cleaning. It took me all day and I still have more to do, but I will work on it tomorrow or the day after. Cleaning the bathroom was the worst because I had to remove the drainer and clean out all the muck inside, otherwise the dirt inside would attract bugs. Anyways, I was so tired after cleaning that I ordered myself pizza, a nice reward for all that work. I am so happy that I have begun to clear the clutter in my life. I canèt wait until I finish my cleaning. I can begin to concentratate on YOU and focus on what other clutter is getting in the way between me and YOU.

I have a desire to write more songs, perhaps worship hymnn. I am relying on Jesus to speak to me and inspire me with the word of God so that I may write a beautiful piece to encourage and share the message of the Gospel with others. I have somewhere to be early tomorrow morning, so I have to make sure that I can get some rest now.

Dear God

It is time to get rid of the clutter in my life. What is holding me back from submittting everything to you and form just starting to work towards the ministry? As I sat here reflecting I noticed that there are so many ideas I have Jesus, so many desires and talents that you have given to me, but I always tell myself someday when I develop these talents more then I can do so and so, but it seems as if the years just keep passing and the someday never seems to be coming for me. Procrastination is a sin and the thing is that if we allow it to be dominant in our lives we will be stagnant, and by the time we decide to do something about it, it may be too late.

When I was younger, I always heard the saying from elders, you are young you can do so much for God, I wish God called me when I was your age. I remember the days when I was so shy and I would write music and poetry, but my shyness held me back from even thinking about sharing it with others. I remember I prayed for confidence to override my shyness and you gave it to me. Who would have ever thought that I could stand and speak before others and much more sing songs that you put in my heart for others.

So now , I am here sitting on my bed nlooking around my room and I realized Lord I don't know where or when I got off track, but I got off track with you. There is so much clutter in my life that is keeping me from totally just immersing myself in your work. I know that you brought me to this "place" for a reason and it has been almost two years now, when I came I had a dedicated mindset to serve you, but when I reflect I see that somewhere along the line, I totally missed the mark.

I only a few months left in my eyes, God willing, God spare my life to see, but I will make the best of these days that you put before me and make sure that I toil to serve you day and night, until you show me where you will want me to go next.

You want to change me and I want that change.
Yestereday I thought that I have so much clutter in my life. I sometimes seem the physical in light of the spiritual. What do I mean by this? I think that when I look around at my surroundings and I see so manyn things that I have colleceted that I don't need whether it be clothes, books, etc, but I keep holding onto these as if it is some prized possession. Perhaps too if I look at my spiritual walk with YOU, there is clutter that keeps me away from serving YOU. If I invest my time into collecting all these, then it is time wasted that I can never get back and time I should have spent in Your word, or writing, singing, sharing the Gospel, doing anything for YOU.

Yesterday, I thought about a young man who was adopted by a family and does not know his real parents, now in his late twenties he is going to the mission field to serve YOU. Jesus, do I really need all these fancy clothes, the latest jewellery, novels in the mission field. I know some people who just have one pair of jeans and two tshirts and they are fulfilled in YOU. When I think back on these years, it was as if I left the source of all fulfillment and went to a dessert trying to find water and satisfaction there. I am sorry, please forgive me and I know I have said these words many times, but Jesus I am willing to give it away to serve YOU.

So last night I began rummaging through my dresser. I kept all the dresses for the summer and packed everything within a bag. I had a whole bunch of toys for the children, however, I felt you leading me to donate them. YOU know the desire to go abroad and work there, but I can't hold onto these things, I trust if I give them away now that when the time comes, if it be your will for me to go yonder, then you will provide again in that day and time.

So today I will begin my cleaning out the extra "stuff" in my life. I just want only but a few things in this room. This will take me awhile, but I am excited to know that I can invest my all into serving YOU.

Yesterday, I printed off the music notes. I am going to learn how to read music notation. I will do it. It has been the most difficult thing for me to do, just because I get really confused looking at all the notes spread out across the page, but I know that nothing is impossible with YOU, especially when YOU place the desire in my heart. I will practice, practice, practice. I have also been thinking about learning a new instrument, but Jesus I don't want to jump head on into that right now, I want to learn how to slow down and be obedient and patient on YOU.

I listened to a sermon online and these are two comments that stood out to me:
God doesn't need our improvisation He needs our obedience.
Don't ever think that you are too old to accomplish things for God. God can use us at any age.

So, now let the work begin. Today I will clean out all the clutter as a step to my one desire to serve and love YOU all the days of my life.

Dear Jesus

I should be working on my lesson plan tomorrow, but I am thinking about my life. I am thinking about how difficult it is for me to just get my life in order when it comes to serving you. I start out good at first, but then I take my eyes off of you and my life turns another direction. How do I stay on track? Today I heard a message on generosity and the cheerful giver and I thought about just how selfish I was and some of the selfish decisions I have made in my life. It is so difficult though because when I focus my attention on serving you then others and myself last, sometimes when I do put others before myself it is hard to draw the line in terms of when people always just want to take from you all the time just because they know that you are always giving. I need you to give me wisdom. I just want YOU, and I know that YOU will always provide for me. I realized that when I had less I was so much more willing to give, but now that I have more it is as if I am holding onto what I have and also wanting more. It stops now Jesus, You are master over my life, so I ask you that you show me what it means to have abundance of life not in my possessions, but in You. Help me to follow your example of putting others first by reminding me of Your examples whenever I have decisions to make concerning giving. I also want to learn what it means to be a cheerful giver and what it means to make sacrifices for you. Teach me, show me, help me please.

A soulwinner

I want to be a soulwinner. I want to have that hunger after the things of God. I want to embrace the gospel as I did when I was younger, I want to be able to learn and share more about you. Okay I have been thinking about this goal, every month I want to find 10 people with whom I can share the gospel with. I prayed this week for me to be more open with others and to share my personal testimony about You so that they can have something to connect or relate their experiences too.

Dear Jesus

Today I participated in an event. I was a few minutes late and saw that I may have disappointed some of the teachers that were relying on me. I will be early ALWAYS from now on. The event nonetheless I would say was successful. Following the event I went out for lunch with one of my teachers and we had a nice discussion. The food was sooooooooo good. I love buffets especially for the chicken. The chicken was quite delicious. As I walked home I thought about my life again. I have more than what I need, but I am not doing anything with it. Is it just my bad habit of procrastinating or my fear that I can't see success as I would like too.
I need to try. I need to try, and pray and ask YOU Lord to take control. I don't see my set future and that scares me a bit, but I ust see myself as I have always been kind of wnadering and roaming this earth taking each day that you give me at a time. I don't think my imagination can stretch that far of how beautiful heaven will be, even with the description YOU give to us in the Bible.

Ok, now I want to ask of YOU Lord, one favor that you make a change in my heart to soften it again as a little child, not seeking after things that will benefit me, but to consider others first. I think I have become quite content with blessings that YOU have given to me over the years, that sometimes I am not thankful enough or considerate of others.

Second, I want to be able to connect with other people, no more putting up safe guards, or secrets, but I want to be able to open my heart to them of course using wisdom so that they can see genuiness and so that I can be a stronger witness for YOU.

Last I just want to develop a drive, a drive and passion that I see in others who seek after YOU day and night and they are not satisfied unless they are completely satisfied in YOU and following your precepts.

Ok, finally the last of the last. I need to learn how to be more responsible concerning taking responsibility for my failures and following your word to be a good servant. I also need to learn responsibility with saving and giving money to YOU and others.

Last of the last of the last I only want to learn what it means to love YOU with all my mind, heart and soul and then to do just that and love YOU with all my mind, heart and soul. Once I can do that then I know I will always be satisfied in YOU.

Dear Jesus

What is this blog about anyways? I don't know how you will use this, but I hope that this may work for your glory, whether to speak to someone's heart miles away or to show how great you are in my life. It is amazing how you can change the direction of where I wanted to go with this blog. I first envisioned this blog to be a story, something that I could continue to write everyday; however more of an autobiographical story of my life. Yes, I wanted to add on a new chapter each day, but you changed the direction. Instead I find myself writing about the now rather than the past. It has become more like a personal diary to you, and open for the world to read. That's okay with me.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I started thinking about life, the future that awaits not only me, but this whole world. I think so many people are hurting in this world. The rich, the poor, the mighty and the weak and we live in a chaotic world that cannot satisfy our soul.

You know I was thinking about going back to school to seal the deal and become a certified teacher, but then last night I started thinking about studying the Bible. Imagine me as an evangelist, a missionary going throughout the world and telling others about an eternity with no more suffering or pain, no worrying about finances, no addictions, no depression, no one to judge you, no mistakes. I don't consider myself an eloquent speaker and sometimes I think perhaps I am less experienced to get in front of people and start talking, but I know that if you touch my lips and tell me to speak your word, it will be done.

How would you feel if you were told that you could start all over again? Your past, erased, all the mistakes you made, forgotten. How would you feel if in this life you could live by faith knowing that all the chaos in this world would soon pass and your faith would become sight. You would one day live in an eternity where the only chaos will be perfect order, no more tears to dim our eyes ever again. How would you feel to know that there is someone that loves you so much, more than your husband, more than your family, more than the person who tells you they love you everyday. How would you feel to know that this person loves you so much that in fact they actually died a painful death so that you could one day spend eternity with them in the eternity where there is no more pain, no more death, no more hurt and no more tears. How would you feel to know that you do not have to be a billionaire to enter this place, and this place is more beautiful than the top ranked most beautiful islands on this earth. How would you feel to know that it simply takes faith in a man named Jesus to inherit all this? What! My sins forgiven, a wedding to someone who loves me more than my mind can conceive, and an eternity with this person forever all through faith in You Jesus.
Jesus you gave me an opportunity to speak with a lady today about You. She is a Christian, a new convert of a few years. I asked her how she came to trust you as Lord and Saviour of her life and she let me know that her and her family were going through some very difficult times and she ended up looking up to you, she started believing there must be a God . I thank you that you are opening opportunities for me. I want to study your word very well and to speak up for you. Please teach me also how to listen to others. This is something I need to do more of. Thank you Jesus.

Dear Jesus

Today is a beautiful day. I love the sunshine. I love the warm breeze. I am off of work for the next two days and so I want to make sure I spend this time wisely. I am in a point in my life where I just want to draw closer to you I want to refocus my life on you and minister to others using the gifts that you have blessed me with. I love music and I love writing, and now that I am learning a musical instrument I want to compose worship songs and choruses. Maybe I can even introduce these to the church. Jesus, you know the desires of my heart and you know thaht there are so many. If there is anything that I have learned it is that I need to focus on one thing at a time. Many times I tried to do everything at once, but I was unable to perform to the best of my ability. I am asking that you sort throught the desires of my heart and according to your will do what you will to do with them for your purpose, for your glory.

My goal everyday is to learn more about you. I want to fall in love with you everyday. Everyday I want my passion and desire to serve you to be rekindled and ever growing. So, I agree it is important to feed my soul with the word of God. I really like my pocket bible, it comes very handy and I read everyday now. I am working my way through the book of Genesis. I am ahead of the Thru the Bible radio broadcast that is airing each day with Dr. Mc Gee going through the bible and explaining scripture. I assume that I will finish reading the entire book of Genesis this week and then after reading it I will review again with Thru the Bible radio broadcast.


It is so important to read your word and to fill myself with the knowledge of the bible, because it helps me to live more by faith in this uncertain world.

I love you , I really do and I trust that you will use me to get the message of salvation out to people in the world. Especially, when I feel who am I to you Lord? I know that you will remind me I am more than a conqueror through You.

This is my desire.

Dear Jesus

I have been reading my pocket bible lately, starting with the book of Genesis and starting to soak everything in and all the wonders and promises of God. I can't believe that I didn't live by the realization that You are the same God of the old testament, the same God of today, tomorrow and forever nothing changes. Nothing changes. I look at the world today and Jesus I know your heart is broken by what you see, I know you are not slack concerning your promises, but you are merciful, but when you come there will be no more opportunity, you will come this time in judgement. Oh Jesus, it is so easy to forget. I want to live each day in anticipation of you and never forsaking or taking for granted your promises. It is so easy to get caught up with this world. You know today I said I was going to stay focus, but it took only a few minutes for me to do some online shopping for sales, and even though I looked through some second hand stores for houseware, electronics and other stuff, I look back and realized I wasted time considering stuff I didn't really need. Imagine if my whole life is consumed with the empty stuff of this world and you come or you should call me out of this world to give a report. Set fire to those stuff in front of me and it will burn. Jesus I want to dedicate my life for rewards that will never burn, the only burning I want to have is the desire in my heart to live for you constantly and to know nothing as the apostle said but You Jesus, and You crucified. It brings power and a feeling I can't describe.

Today I listented to the hillsong From the INside out and although I have listened to thsi song many times, this time around I felt a peace and understanding of what each word meant.

Today I hope to pick up a camcorder and I wish to do more videos and post, but maybe this time of songs that I have written for you. We have had a rocky relationship haven't we...except you are the one that is always steady, the anchor and I have been the one wanting to test and explore other waters. Many times, countless times I vowed to change and then my focus shifted, but I realize that I can do nothing in and of myself i couldnt give you a little bit of me, but I needed to surrender all. I love you so much.

I have a camera I have not used as much but I hope to use that too and take more pictures of everything. Show me, teach me direct my path Lord Jesus, I want to know what you will have me to do with the blessings that you have blessed me with.

You are my desire.

Dear Jesus

I bought a bible this week, a pocket bible. I will read it everyday and I am determined to hide your word in my heart, to learn and serve and love you with all my heart. I began today to read the book of Genesis, I read a few chapters and stopped to write this then I will read again. In the meanwhile I am listening to the radio broadcast by Dr. Mc Gee Thru the Bible. I asked YOU today to touch my lips I want to speak for you. I am by no means a preacher, but I know Lord that you can use the simple things to work for YOU. There is so much chaos in this world and many people searching for answers I want to speak for YOU whatever tool it is you have me to use, music, writing, presenting, one on one encouragement I just want to work until the day You call me home. There are souls to be saved. I am resolved like Johnathan Edwards to live life finding my only satisfaction in you, never being content with my work, but always desiring you more becoming a person after your own heart. I will work endlessly to reach out to the lost souls.

Dear Jesus .....You Are Coming.....

Jesus you have been so merciful to us and I know you are coming, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, but very soon. I look at all the disasters, wars, conflicts and all these world events that are happening today and I can see these as the Bible describes signs of the last days before your coming.
Like Johnathan Edwards I resolve frorm this day on to be only content with loving you and the most miserable of all without living each moment for you and to bring glory to your name. If I fall I will get up again because my mission in life is to share the message of your name, the message of salvation.

Jesus I know it you are coming soon. I feel something I cannot explain, but I see the signs and I recognize that this is it. I see the Middle East, I see North America, I see the rest of the world. It is hard not to admit that there is so much chaos and there is no way out, but through faith in you Lord.

Jesus I am disappointed in myself because in the time you have given me I have procrastinated, but your word says Lord that your coming will be like a thief in the night and there will be two people in the field, one will be taken and the other left, two in the bed one taken and the other left. I need you, I want to be with you, I dont want to be left behind. I dont want my family or friends to be left behind.

I had a dream years ago, very vague, I left my home country Jesus but I didnt come back home.

When you come this world will be so confused. If your love does not bring repentance, and for those that do not accept repentance, then they must recieve judgement, but the worse juddgement is not having your presence in the world.

I will write, sing, teach, do whatever I have to do to let others know they must believe. Jesus I need to work on myself, but I dont know how. I am just going to trust and believe and Jesus help my unbelief. Have mercy on us. Lord take control and even so come Lord Jesus come.

I bought a new pocket size bible today. I am planning on reading thru the Bible but reading along with Dr. J vernon Mc Gee. He has an online broadcast radio ministry called thru the bible. I know that there aree many others all over the world studying and reading along with this ministry. We just started the book of Genesis last week so I will keep up. I have to. I have resolved to learn about you only. I want to learn more, I want others to see Jesus through me. I hope others can study with me too. I listen to Thru the Bible on this site and other sermons: www.oneplace.com

I find encouragement through many pastors including Adrian Rogers, Frank Graham, John Mac Arthur, James Macdonald and other pastors.


Jesus, tomorrow is church and I will visit another church, please open my eyes so that I may behold the wondrous things out of your word. I have much on my heart that I need to give to prayer, you know my heart Jesus, my state of confusion where I start and stop, my will, but Lord your will and not my will be done.

Prayer requests:
involvement in what type of ministries: Sunday school, music ministry, discussion groups, writing blogs, photography I just need to start. Take control of my time Jesus.

Dear Jesus

I am learning that I have to be accountable to someone in order for me to get things done and in order to not procrastinate. So, here it goes here is my two month plan. I don't want to think about each stage I just want to get it done. In two months, it is my desire to use my time more wisely. So what is on my mind and in my heart, I am asking God to bless.

Okay, so my tasks for this month:
to complete a focus group PPT on old hymns (it has been something that I started, but never did finish) I want to finish it (I only need to select 12 hymns, research it and create discussion groups based on the hymn)

Number 2 I would like to purchase a camcorder so that I may begin to keep video footages of my experiences. (like a video diary)

Number 3 I need to purchase a new NKJV bible

Number 4 I need to complete sending in graduate school applications.


So this is 4 tasks that I have 2 months to complete starting from today. It may seem simple but for a regular procrastinator this is a huge challenge, but I love Jesus so I am going to make sure that I please Him. My first step is getting organized and following through on desires that have come into my heart.

I am adding a new step, an by no means does an hour seem like enough time, but I just want that hour to learn more about Jesus (whether it is writing a song, reading my bible, watching a bible movie, listening to a program) I just need that hour of uninterrupted time to spend learning about Him and in prayer.

Dear Jesus

I came home today and I spent of my evening surfing the internet for a cheap digital camcorder. I mean I also watched other youtube videos on various topics related to travel and teaching abroad. I think it would be a good idea for me to do a video blog or even if I don't post it maybe I can turn my experiences into a documentary later. I havent read my bible in awhile, the pages are torn and I ordered a new one, but I can't wait for it now,it has been too long. I listen to radio broadcasts on preaching, but I need to read more of the word. Easter is coming and I want to relearn about your death and resurrection. I pray that you can tuch my heart, lips and hands so that I can compose a beautiful Easter song. I thought today to myself that I have procrastinated alot in my life, so now I am making up my mind to work on recording a set of songs, completing my graduate school applications and one more...ummm perhaps creating the best plan for my students this summer. Please help me and remind me that I can do all things through You who strengthens me. Help me to be one after your own heart and for me to pursue YOU first all the days of my life. Help me to eliminate bad habits and distractions from my life.

Dear Jesus

Today on my way home from church I saw an old man sleeping holding onto his accordian. He was wearing a suit, all dressed up. Across his body he wore a banner that had a cross on the front and hallelujah written on the back. I closely scanned him up and down, both his face and his hands showed his age. I thought Jesus look at this man evangelizing. He is in his old age and still seeking to do your will, but I sat on the train thinking about what I have done for you, for the kingdom of God. I have done nothing. I keep saying that you know maybe someday, oneday, or maybe next year, but all those have come so many times and still I have nothing to show for my crown, to hear your "well done thy good and faithful servant." I feel lost. I know what to do, but don't do it, thinking I have all the time in the world like the rich fool. I want to spend more time with you and in your word. I will dedicate more time to you. I thank you for the gifts that you have given me.Show me and direct my footsteps. Everything I do I want to make sure it brings glory to your name. I need you to purify my heart and my mind. Give me understanding of your word, help to encourage me that I can share the gospel with others despite my lack of being the most eloquent speaker. Help me to forgive, to forget what others may think about me and to love with the love of God. I want to live not for myself but for you. Help me to remain focus.

Dear Jesus

My heart feels empty. My heart has not been seeking you in awhile. Instead I have been devoting my time into useless activities (shopping mostly). I haven't been spending time with you and it shows. I feel your absence from me in these past few weeks and I think if you came today you would not be happy with me one bit. My feelings I can't explain...always searching and wanting and getting, but not being satisfied. Jesus, is this what it feels like to be away from you for a few weeks? If so, I don't want to imagine an eternity without your presence at all. Oh, it is so bad when I think about myself and not others. I have been greedy, thinking that now is my time to enjoy all the things that I never had a chance to enjoy as a kid. Selfish me and selfish thinking. I promise Jesus to love you with all my heart and to live to make you happy. Help me to help others, grandma, mom and dad...you know all Jesus and wherever I can help I pray that you use me to help. Help me to be more serious concerning your work and to trust your will and to daily seek you.

I noticed that I don't trust others because I fear the worst, but why? The only one I need to fear is you. Jesus, I keep saying I want to know you better but it seems like it is all talk...what am I doing to know you better? How am I witnessing to others? I am tired of just talk and no action. Please just change my heart Jesus. I know you will be coming back soon and I dont want to serve you merely becasue of fear for living in eternity without you, but for fear and reverence of loving you and what you did for me.

I felt so ashamed that I didn't even remember the coming Easter weekend. I need to be more knowledgeable in the things concerning You. I need to study to show myself approved unto you, so then I am not ashamed and I can distinguish truth. Your word is truth. Jesus help my unbelief, Jesus keep me focus, Jesus help me to share my testimony and to trust you more and more. I want to totally rely on you and not money or the things of this world. They are temporary. Everyone, poor or rich, famous or not will one day leave this earth and enter an eternity where we will have to give an account to you. Remind me of this each day please. One thing we all can't cheat or buy our way out of is death. Everyone is equal in death. I love you Jesus and I want to show it, I will show it. Guide my steps, direct my path and help me to remember and be thankful of your blessings each day I wake up with my breath and the life in my body.

Dear Jesus

I haven't been feeling connected to you as I should. Communication on my part is lacking. Lately I noticed that I have begun to focus on materials. I have this bad habit of looking for good deals on items and purchasing them just because it was a good deal and helped me to save alot more than if I would have bought the item new or elsewhere. My bargain shopping has been my hobby for the past week or so.

I visited a Christian bookstore and bought a book to help me to know you better, but I havent been reading. It feels like I am letting you down. I thought about my life and realize that I havent talked about you much. If someon is in love, that person would want to talk about the significant other.

Jesus, you are the one who knows me best and I only know about the love and mercy given to uss by You. What then is going on? Why do I feel so distracted? Why can't I get my house in order? Jesus I can't do this by myself I am asking that you touch my heart and revive it. Put your desires in my heart continue to grant me perservering faith.

Dear Jesus

It is never easy starting over. It doesn't matter who you are or what you are starting over on. I can remember a time when as a student I made the silly mistake of not saving changes to an essay, and the thought of starting over was enough discouragement for me. I have been trying to hear your voice, but I haven't been seeking you earnestly. I am discouraged, but I will never give up running the race and pushing towards that which you have called me too. Even if it means returning to the starting line and starting over that is what I am committed to do. I am sorry that I have taken a few things for granted and that I have compromised my alone time with you to oversee other tasks. I am committed to you. I always need to remind myself that I can't do things in my own strength, but with you I am more than a conqueror.

I am starting over and I am encouraged that I am not alone. Starting over will not be easy, but I find confidence in God and knowing that with Him I am more than a conqueror.

For the past few months, I have been doubting others and making assumptions about people's intentions. Opportunities for me to help people turned into me thinking and questioning others sincerity, and whether some people just wanted to take advantage of my generosity. I noticed these assumptions came from a bad experience I had with another individual I had trusted. I had not quite forgiven this person, but as of today I let it go. Jesus, if I should have temptations to revisit this past experience or should I be tempted to have wrongful thinking or want to make assumptions or even talk about the individual in the past who had let me down, please I need you to give me a scripture on which I can medidate. From today I entrust my thought life to you, I will not dwell on the past mistakes of others, I will examine myself. Please help me to admit my own mistakes and wrong doings and to take everything to you in prayer rather than making hasty decisions. Help me to no longer be complacent or lazy concerning the things of God.

Dear Jesus

I am so guilty. Guilty of selfishness, guilty of taking things for granted and worse of all  guilty of not counting my blessings and not always giving thanks. It was difficult to realize these patterns in my life especially when I was concerned about meeting my needs. I didn't think about others as I once use too. You showed me that I can't change by myself I can't carry my own burdens and change my thoughts or path in life, I need YOU.

Jesus sometimes I look at the faults of others instead of focusing on myself. Sometimes I make excuses because I don't want to feel like I failed or I am not as knowledgeable in a certain area of my life. I don't want to admit the failures because if I do I won't feel as worthy. This has been holding me back in a meaningful relationship with you. If I can't admit and swallow failures in my everyday relationships with others then how can I expect to confess my wrong doings against you sincerely. I know I am not perfect, there is none righteous but YOU.

I need YOU. I want YOU to take full control of my life with no conditions attached. Use me as you please, put your desires in my heart and make my hopes your hope. I want YOU to shine through me. I want your beauty. This is my desire.

Dear Jesus

I have a friend who is going through a tough time in her life. I can't see her heart or feel her emotions, but I know that everything that I have gone through, although I didn't understand it then, YOU were working in my life for a specific purpose. In her life, I know YOU do the same. Sometimes it is so hard to think this way when we are in the midst of a battle, but I have come to learn that peace comes only from the confidence and trust I put in you.

Dear Jesus

It has been a few days since I wrote. I confess that this week I lost focus on my service. I spent most of my time just resting and thinking. This week I thought about different issues related to communication and the building of trusting relationships with others. I am still seeking answers and I pray that I seek and find direction from YOU and none other.

Dear Jesus

Please strengthen me and remind me that I can do all things through your strength. I set a new goal to work on for myself and I know that as I pray about it and rely on your word to show me just how that I can achieve this goal. My goal is to not leave anything unfinished. You know there is a saying to finish what you start and another saying that compliments it well: to do things properly. There have been many situations in my life where I failed to things properly or I just aimed for satisfaction, but Lord I know that I need to make sure I do things right in each area of my life, especially when I am seeking to serve you. I want to offer 150% every time. Please remind me that even when I am performing at work, school or other places in my life in which I serve others that it is also an opportunity not to only serve others but to serve you. Please give me more wisdom and enhance my faith and determination to serve you and others better. Help me not to focus to hard on what others think of me, or to constantly compare myself to others too much. I find that if I do so I tend to lose my focus and sometimes not finish what I start because I think I may not perform as well. I thank you that you are always there to listen to me and to speak to me through your word (the bible). I find much encouragement in reading about how many found strength in you and pressed onward despite the persecutions life threw at them. I love you too much for words to describe. Keep me grounded and firm in my faith, always learning and growing more mature as a believe in you and most importantly, always desiring and pursuing after you.

Dear Jesus

I went to the morning church service today and the pastor shared a message on obedience.   The message spoke to me. I have been disobedient, and many times I know I have done things my way. I am listening to a radio broadcast now and the pastor is saying the same message that I heard this morning. I watched the video of Jeremiah yesterday and I was reading a book on the train today both pointing to the same message. The main message I get from this morning's service, the radio broadcast and the book is that I need repentance.

"The saving faith includes calling people to repentance. It is inherent in believing and believing is inherent in repentance. Repentance is turning from sin towards God."

I need to be humbled and I repent. Many times I came to YOU for awhile and then turned back to my own foolish ways of thinking and doing what worked best for me. Was I really repentant? Was I really sorry or just overcome by emotions?

I get it now. So clearly. YOU died for my sins. My sins put YOU on the cross. Without YOU there is no grace or mercy. Without YOU I and the rest of humanity would have got what we deserve: the wrath of God, but because of YOU, I have hope and something to live for: YOU.
I just want to live for YOU. I just want to share the hope that YOU give me with others, to reassure them there really is more to life than getting caught up with living for the world, most importantly the decision they make in this life will affect their eternity.

Forgive me for the pride I showed, for not forgiving others, for turning my back on you countless times. Sorry for the lies, selfishness, all the violations I commited against YOU, I forsake all these now and fully turn and devote my life to YOU. Yes, it is amazing how YOU can reason with a sinner and though my sins are as scarlet, YOU offer to make them as  white as snow. I thank you that YOU hear me and forgive my sins. I am ready for this new life. I can't do anything on my own, God YOU even grant the gift of repentance. YOU brought this realization. YOU opened my eyes and my heart.

The radio broadcast that I am listening too shared the following truths with me:

The three elements of repentance:
Turning to God
Turning from evil
Turning to serve God


There are 2 types of people:
People who pretend to be obedient but are rebels in their heart
People who begin as rebels but repent

There is no salvation apart from repentance.

Jesus, I wholly devote my life to YOU. Your desire is my desire and your will is my will. Life would be miserable without YOU.

Dear Jesus

Today was a busy day for me I had to run a few errands, meet up with a friend who will be travelling back home soon, and I also had to pay some bills. My plans for the day were somewhat distrupted by the few tasks that I had to take care of today, but I am happy that I was able to stick to one of my habit goals: to follow through on my word and meet up with my friend. I had to wake up quite early in the morning and although my body really did not feel like it, I kept thinking "follow through"

I just woke up from a three hour late evening nap. I think it was from all that walking around  in the morning. In my sleep I wrestled with thoughts of YOU. Actually the words I kept thinking is I want to love YOU more...I want to be lost in your love and not find my way back home from here...Your love excites me, your love confuses me. I thought maybe I can revise these words and use them for a song. I am not sure.

I know for sure that I haven`t been living up to the full potential that you perhaps have called me too. I am determined to change, but determination means nothing if there is no change. I am going to try harder, but one of the lessons you have taught me is that I can`t do anything in my own strength. I need you in everything. My prayer is that you give me the strength and desire to follow through not only with everyday commitments in this life, but my biggest commitment to serve YOU. I just want to take all the determination in me and put it into action. I want to stay focused and not lose sight of why I live and my life`s purpose: to glorify YOU. The scripture says that the chief end of man is to glorify YOU and to enjoy YOU forever. David even said I was happy when they said to me let us go into the house of the Lord. I want YOU to be the first thing I think about it in the morning, the last thing I think about in the night, everything I think about during the day. I want my wants to be my only desire that I live for.

Dear Jesus

I woke up this morning a little later than expected. I think I am beginning to recover from my cold. This week will mark my first year anniversary living in my new apartment and away from most of my family and friends. You know that this year has been filled with many trials and new experiences, and many life lessons. I am so thankful that I was able to make it through this year. You specifically showed me that I need to trust you more and learn how to love others the way you command us to love and to forgive the way you command us to forgive. I am working on my behaviors, attitudes and habits and I find myself trying to be more organized everyday. This year, the Lord spare my life, and if the Lord wills I plan to work more on the music ministry that you have blessed me with: songwriting. I hope I make You proud in everything I do.

Dear Jesus

I just love waking up to the hot sun peeking through my window. I love it. It reminds me a little about my childhood days. I loved playing outside in the drive way and skipping in the front yard. I loved running to the fence in my backyard to speak with one of my neighbours. I loved most of my childhood moments. I loved pretending to dig for treasure in my backyard, or taking our parrott outside underneath the apple tree and reading books under the apple tree until the sun went down. I loved playing baseball and riding my bike to the park. If I could do it all over again, I would relive my most enjoyable childhood moments.

Now, many years later I am still very much dependent on YOU, but trying to figure out what next? Everyone has a purpose no matter how purposeful they may feel so what purpose can I serve?

Yesterday I wrote about some resolutions to try to do as much as I can for YOU with the time YOU bless me with. I feel that as I look back on my experiences I have not always been diligent or quite wise when it comes to using my time wisely. Even today, I had drafted a mental plan of what I needed to do then distracted myself by trying on outfits in my closet, and for no purpose. These little distractions are what often consume my time, so I am happy that I am now aware of it and can work towards redirecting any distractions.

Yesterday I visited a young man who was leaving to travel abroad. He said that he wanted to visit Europe and explore the country. He was sellling some odds and ends before his departure. I bought a nice fan for the hot summers. I listened to him as he talked about his interest in photography, his passion to learn languages and to travel. He had a great idea to take a picture each day of something that makes him smile.

Jesus YOU make me smile. Even when I am so frustrated, upset, something about YOUR words that touch my heart and make it come to life again. I want to know YOU more and to know YOU all the days of my life. Each day I want to discover something new about YOU. Some days I wake up and I just dont feel lilke doing anything...I cant describe the feeling, but YOU know it

I am quite excited that I can write to YOU, which is my way of talking more to YOU each day. I want to get to that place in my life where I am thinking about YOU 24/7. Love. I want to love YOU more and more. This is my desire.

Dear Jesus

A few days ago I was quite down. I guess I was a bit disappointed in myself and not quite understanding why things were the way they were. For the first time I really felt more of the pressure that comes from  letting others and myself down and with no excuses attached. I felt somewhat excluded not being wanted.
 I want to do my best to be of service to You and  to please You better. I know in my life there have been times that I have lived for myself and didnt even give the slightest thought about You. I guess I got caught up with living life by the world standards: One life to live so enjoy it while you can. I can't believe that only a few years ago I was constantly worrying about how to compete for power and position, to get the best job so that I could eagerly save up one day, maybe for a nice house. I mean there is nothing wrong with having a nice house someday, but when all my time and energy was consumed with living and saving for the future, there was no time for me to consider my relationship with you. I lived each day yes knowing you, but not really "knowing" you". I was disappointed in myself I guess because I know where  YOU have brought me from since my days as a little girl. I know the level of trust and communication I once had with YOU, the silent prayers, the diaries and personal songs for YOU and I want it back.


I have made a very important decision: to make YOU my ONE desire. All my other desires and hopes I put on the backburner. It is quite difficult to  do, but I trust that as I begin to learn who YOU are more and more and as our relationship grows deeper and deeper that the other desires I once held if they are pleasing to YOU that YOU will grant them to me.

Some of the attitudes and habits I need to work on:
1) Punctuality- Sometimes I strive just to be on time and sometimes I do make it just on time, other times I am late. I want to make sure that I am always early. I think about the parable of the bridesmaids and those that returned back to get more oil for their lamp and as they turned back You came for the ones that were waiting. I know this is not about a parable of punctuality, but I relate it to my punctuality in terms of having more than enough time to consider whether I have everything in order.

2) Organization-Order is all about being organized. I want to ensure that I have everything in order and I am organized so that I can eliminate unneccessary worries. Sometimes I start out organized and somewhere along I get thrown off schedule. It is a good feeling when I am organized knowing where things are and what I need to do when I need to do it.

3) Satisfy- I don't know when the unsatisfaction crept upon me perhaps maybe within my latter childhood days. My mother would remind me to learn to be satisfied with what I had and don't always look at what others have. My father's biblical explanation was that God gives us what we need when the time is right.
Being somewhat of a cheapskate, I tried to save all the time and therefore always lived off of mental budgets, but as soon as I wiped out one of my biggest loans I automatically began to spend on clothes and things that I really didnt need, just because it was a good price and didn't have to worry much about paying off debts, but I realized some of my decisions were quite foolish.

Now, I have put myself back on a budget. No more clothes shopping. I realize that even for the fatherless and widowless YOU provide and some are satisfied with just recieving their daily bread. Life is not about collecting the latest fashions for me. I could better invest the money into working for YOU, perhaps a skill I would like to develop to serve YOU in an area of ministry: music.

3) Keep my word- I am learning little by little to keep my word. Any promise I make I want to follow it through. JesusYOU promised that YOU would never leave me or forsake me, and even during times where I questioned your presence, YOU gave me a word, a song, a thought, a confirmation. YOU promised that YOU have gone to prepare a place for us and in your father's house are many mansions.YOU said that if it were not so, YOU would not have told me and likewise if I dont want to say anything or make a promise that I can't keep toYOU or others. I will be a person of my word, and if I know I am unable to do something for someone then I just won't promise it. My father said you must be a person of your word. A mother once told me that she learned you should never break your promises (especially) to two groups of people: children and seniors. I don't want to break my promises to anyone.

4) Stay on schedule- Even today I gave myself  a time frame to be finished this, but I have yet to finish. I want to stay on schedule as best as I can. I believe one of my biggest reasons for not staying on schedule is because I sometimes procrastinate.

5) No more procrastination-This is very important to me and for my relationship with YOU. I sometimes feel like there is not enough time, but yet with the time that YOU give to me I procrastinate and put things off and instead use the time foolishly. Not anymore. I don't want to say NO to YOU or WAIT until I am ready. I know your time is the best time and so if there is something to be done, I will not wait the last minute to do it.

There is alot more that I need to work on for now. The Lord wills me to see tomorrow, I will continue them tomorrow. Writing for me is like a Prayer to YOU each time I write. Please intensify my desire to serve YOU each day as best as I can.

Dear Jesus

You are so good to me.  It is true that your mercies are new every morning. I decided that this year is a new year and I want to get to know you better than I know you now. I want to never be satisfied with my love for you. I never want to return to state of complacency or being satisfied with my relationship with you. I realized that I have taken you for granted in many areas of my life. I had not made you Lord of my life. I relied on you when times were difficult and as soon as you lifted the burden from off my shoulders I slowly regressed into living for myself. Well, I realized that my ways and thinking need to change. I will live to make you happy,  I live for you. I understand now what it means to lose my life in this life (to live for you) and put my selfish desires to rest, but I hold onto the everlasting hope that you give. I love you Jesus.

Dear Jesus

I am working on my relationship with you. I am learning how to love you more. I didn't really have a clear picture of what it meant to love you with all my heart, mind and soul. You know that this has been my area of struggle in our relationship. I lost much time with you because I failed to communicate with you as I should.

On Sunday nights, I sat in the front row pews listening to sisters and brothers in Christ stand up and share their testimonies with others. Tear filled testimonies of coming out of a cruel world into Jesus arms really shook me, but I was a bit sad: everyone had a powerful testimony to share of how YOU had been clearly working in their lives. Their testimonies were so interesting. I wondered how cruel the world could be. I had been sheltered from the world and although I had my own personal testimonies it was nothing compared to others. I wanted to experience the world for myself . It wasn't my intention to change my whole mindset. Like the prodigal's son I laid my eyes on the world. I wanted to get the first hand experience. I wanted to experience the world for myself and draw my own comparisons and conclusions. I wanted to have a powerful testimony as others. I always heard in my childhood that if you play with fire you get burned. I would come to learn that it is much harder to leave your first love and try to return than coming to know your first love for the first time.


I think back on something a co worker told me "I wanted to find something to dedicate my life too."  In highschool this was the philosophy that I lived my life by, trying to look for injustices that I could dedicate my teenage life too. I grew up in a community that saw its share of youth violence. The face of young kids dying as victims to violence caught my attention and I wanted to address it. I had so many thoughts and ideas of how to get youth involved in second chance programs.

 I was so oblivious to the fact that I couldn't completely wipe out the apparent issues in my community. I think back now and see I could only temporarily stabilize an issue until it was ready to resurface again and again, but back then I had the attitude and determination that I could eliminate it.  I needed to look at the larger issue at hand: the humna heart. I had invested much time  on how I could address the physical problems and not the spiritual.

The Bible states that we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against spiritual wickedness.

It was probably in my senior year of elementary school or freshman year of highschool that I decided that listening to Christian music could suffice for renewing my mind and refreshing our relationship. What a terrible mistake! If I could go back, I promise I would take it back, take that decision to replace your word with Christian songs, books, programs and all those other activities I thought could suffice for your word. I lost you and when I lost sight of you and my focus on the only thing that could provide stability in my life and an example by which I could live by, I began to trust other values, views, ideas to shape me as an individual. I needed you. I was searching and trying to find what I had already had. In highschool, I for a moment got caught up with the idea of promoting social justice especially in the area of raising awareness on some of the issues in my community. I wanted to raise awareness on youth violence, I wanted to connect with the youth in the community. I wanted to make a change. I was all over the place.  I knew that I loved music and writing I knew that I could put myself in other people's shoes and  as a way to write with emotion and passion, I had creative ideas.I wanted to make a difference, but as that young naive adolescent I wanted to make a difference on my own terms. My mind was so far from having to do anything with you.

I am working on my salvation with fear and trembling.

I think back on my life and I realize that you were always there, even when you were the last thing I was thinking about you were there.

Today I went to a concert. It had been awhile since I saw a concert. This concert was organized by the young adults from the church I attend. The two main acts featured one musical band and one solo artist. I loved the band's music and how the band was able to fuse their different sounds into a single creative piece. It's hard to describ, but I found myself easily humming out spontaneous made up lyrics on the spot. The solo artist was quite inspiring for me, actually I felt that as he played the guitar and sang song after song that YOU were actually speaking tomy heart. As he sang my passion for music, writing and serving YOU was revived. It is amazing that YOU bless people wuth different gifts and talents and beautiful voices, It is my desire to use those blessings which YOU have blessed me with to bless others. Lord YOU know the desire of my heart, please search my heart and if it is your will grant me the desire of my heart. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to attend this concert, it is always a blessing to see young people doing what they love to do.

Dear Jesus

Today I played the piano. I am so happy and thankful that I have the opportunity to learn the piano. As a young child I always loved music and I would have loved to take music lessons and although I never had the chance to do so because of certain circumstances, I am happy that you have given me the chance to learn. We are never too old to learn and so today as I experimented with the white keys on the piano, with your help I created beautiful melodies. I still need to work on the lyrics for the musical piece, but I have an idea to tell a story with the lyrics. I want to talk about how sometimes in this life we make mistakes or get caught up with living just for the now and our biggest mistake, leaving you out of the equation of our life, but life means nothing without you. There are those most confusing times when like the prodigal son we return back to you, but only for awhile to return to our own sinful and selfish ways. There are those times when I ran back to you for good I pledged, but it was if I couldn't hear you anymore.During this time I wondered if I grieved the Holy Spirit to the point where I could no longer hear from you. I was always reminded that you would never forsake me.

I am more determined than ever to get up brush myself off and know you better. I am more determined to  rekindle the flames of my relationship with you. This time I don't want the flame to burn out. I want to keep falling in love with you again and again. Everyday I want to live my life for you. Everyday I want to live in your presence. I realize I live to trust you and I realize my life means nothing without you.

As I think about the words for this song I think about the scripture 1 Corinthians 15:19 "If in this life only we have hope in Christ we are of all men the most miserable (pitable)" I want to know the fullness of salvation living for you not for what I can get out of this life, or only when times get tough, but to know you  personally during my lowest points and highest points in life. I want to live also knowing I have hope to see you one day. I hope I can translate these feelings into a song.

To be continued-
"One thing I have desired of the Lord,

That will I seek:

That I may fdwell in the house of the Lord

All the days of my life,

To behold the 2beauty of the Lord,

And to inquire in His temple."

(Psalm 27:4)